How To Act During A Separation: Should A Wife Pretend That She's Happy When Her Husband Leaves Her

A separation in marriage is a very stressful and distressing time. It is like the rug has been pulled out from under you and you don't have solid ground to stand on anymore. But you need to understand, your marriage is salvageable if you want it back.

It is very important to try to be as calm as possible in this situation. I know it might sound horribly difficult right now, but that is what you need to try to do.

Everything has changed and if you have kids that makes it even worse. At this time, you need to take care of yourself and your family. While it might seem like the only option you have is to beg your spouse to come back, you have to resist the temptation even to communicate with him.

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By having as little contact as possible with your spouse they will start to wonder what you are doing and might even begin to miss you. It's funny what happens when people take something for granted and all of a sudden it's gone.

Use the time apart to let your head clear, you need to be able to think clearly to work at getting your marriage back on track. While it might seem like you are losing precious time, this layoff period is very important. I know the natural inclination is to think that you might grow further apart or that your spouse is seeing someone else. Try to keep these thoughts at bay, they won't help you in reaching your goal.

Just remember that this cooling off time is the first step in getting your marriage back.

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I have been married for 31 years and there have been some pretty rough times when I wanted to leave. It was taking so much of my energy to work through our conflicts and I wasn't sure it was worth it. I was so frustrated with my husband because he just wasn't getting it. It seemed like the harder I tried the more distant he became. I had to evaluate the pros and cons of leaving and I just could not bring myself to end it. I had invested so much of my life in the relationship and I did not want to start over. He was not abusive, I just felt disconnected.

I decided to let go of the expectations I had of him and just concentrate on my own growth and mental health. My motivation was not to change him, but change myself and become the best me I could be. I started looking at the positive things I could do with my life and started taking ownership of the things I could control and the things I couldn't, I let go. I refused to let circumstances define my day. My day was going to be positive and I was going to find the good in it no matter what happened. I started exercising regularly, eating better, and developed some great friendships with some women that also had a positive attitude about life. I read some good books like "The DNA of Relationships" by Gary Smalley and "Changes that Heal", by Henry Cloud.

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I realized very quickly that working on myself was a full-time job. I had a lot of work to do on me. I started enjoying life a little more and it felt like I had discovered how to take power back in my life. It was a slow process, but over time I did start to change. I did not nag my husband as much and because I had let go of my expectations of him, I found that I didn't feel disappointed as much. I was learning to accept him for who he was, knowing that he could not meet all my needs. Having a girls night out once in a while helped meet some of those needs.

To my surprise, my husband started to change, also. It was not right away, but he became softer and less defensive over time. Now we are able to have conversations and talk about things without getting upset and frustrated. We have become best friends. We still have disagreements, but we are usually able to talk it out and come up with a compromise. I am thankful I stayed, because I have become a better person through it all and our marriage is stronger because now we work together to make a difference. Life is still hard sometimes, but I feel like we have both grown to handle things in a more positive way with a better outcome.

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What is a boundary? Ask a sportsman and he may tell you it is the boundary line that surrounds the game and in most cases when you step over it you receive some kind of penalty. Ask a King of a country what is a boundary? He will tell you it is the cut off point that separates his kingdom from another. These are pretty good answers in general do you not think?

Ask the abusing husband in a marriage what a boundary is? I bet your bottom dollar he will not have a clue. Why would he anyway? He is getting his own selfish way totally. It is amazing how many people when asked could not tell you what a boundary is when it comes to relationships. In fact it is not until there is true understanding of the meaning that many folk suddenly realize what an awful marriage they are in.

The messages to little girls were your job would be to look after the man you will marry someday. I can tell you from experience, much as I adore my baby brother now. When we were much younger my job every morning was to make his bed, help with breakfast and in general treat him like a little prince. I remember at the time being rather annoyed as even then I suspected I was going to grow up to be a very independent woman.

The truth is I entered into marriage with the same thinking. I cleaned I cooked I looked after my man. This is what my mother had done and I had learned well. Is it better today are we more attuned? One day a friend of mine who I thought was incredibly liberated said to me. Why do you let everyone step all over your boundaries? At first I thought she meant was I letting to many visitors into the house. Do not laugh because I am sure many women have thought the very same thing.

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I can imagine how Einstein and Darwin felt as they made their discoveries for the moment I knew what a relationship boundary was I felt my whole world changing. My dreams and needs would no longer take second place as I was going to stand up and be counted. Here is a truth that some of you are not going to like though. We have the power to not only set our own boundaries but also enforce them. Why did my mother not tell me about this very important stuff? She never knew herself of course.

Now I can tell you if your husband is physically or mentally abusive that he will not give a damn about boundaries. In any situation like this trying to initiate any kind of boundary setting may be next to impossible. You may have to cut your losses and slam the door behind you. It takes a lot of hard work and determination for this kind of character to change their ways and honestly you only have one life. Do you want to waste it in this kind of misery? I truly hope not.

It is never too late in a reasonable marriage to bring boundaries into play. At first there will be resistance as most people are inclined to get a little stuck in their ways. But if the love for each other is there setting up some solid boundaries can only make it better.

Where you both have been floundering in the dark you will now see clear guidelines in the areas of respect and care. You will get to know each other so much better as you will both see where you individually draw the line. As you both evolve into two confident people with masses of self- respect your relationship will blossom and grow into all that it can be. Boy I wish I had known about these boundary gems years ago but I do now and I am hoping you will too. They really can work miracles as they lay down an invisible line between the two of you as to what is acceptable and what is not. So can you answer this question for me? Has your partner stepped over your boundaries today? You now know what to do.

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Did you know that Barack Obama used to be in Law school with Michelle? She was actually assigned to be his supervisor, when he was working at the Law school. The story goes that he was completely smitten with Michelle. He kept making his advances, but Michelle kept turning him down (see where I'm going with this?) To cut a long story short, she did end up falling for him eventually and they are still happily married to this day.

The truth of the matter was that Michelle totally wasn't into Barack at the beginning. He thought he was goofy, even though the other women thought that he was attractive. Whatever magic he worked on her, it got her in the end.

Still, she employed the use of a special "Secret Mindset" that slowly reeled him in. What is this "Secret Mindset" all about? It's basically the fact that the woman in the relationship ALWAYS has control. That's right, ALWAYS.

See, some people think that the man wears the pants. He's the breadwinner, blah blah blah. Very traditional. In our modern society, women who are independent and can fend for themselves are far more attractive. They have more power.

What some people don't get is that women have to allow the men to do anything and everything.

· She has to let him marry her (why does the man kneel? It's because he's ASKING for her hand in marriage).

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· She has to let him make love to her (otherwise it's non-consensual and potentially could be rape).

· She has to let him provide for her (if men get women gifts or other unwelcome forms of providence, it's stalkerish. Could be considered a crime if worse enough).

The woman has complete control. I don't know if Michelle knew it at the time, but she definitely would have given off those vibes when Barack Obama was first courting her.

At any rate, hopefully that's made something click somewhere in your mind. It's actually clicked already in my mind. What does a male feel about this fact? I don't know. I embrace it. I always knew it to some extent, but in a way, it makes it more fun. The woman basically has to not only accept me, she has to initiate if she wants something.

I can always prompt it or suggest it, but if she's really into the idea, she'll make a move. That sort of a response just shows me that I'm doing something right.

So ladies, believe it. You are the person in charge. Your man loves and respects you and though it hurts me to say this, he is yours to control. If you believe it, you will respect yourself more, he will respect you more as a result. Love comes out of respect and isn't that why you're reading this?

Now Listen Carefully-

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Divorce does not have to be your only option. Even if it feels as though your relationship can't be saved because of the ongoing conflicts between you and your spouse, it can be. There are techniques that you can begin using today that will not only stop a divorce, but will help also you build a stronger and more loving marriage.

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