“Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while and leave footprints on our heart and we are never, ever the same.” ~ Anon

This article is penned by my colleague and friend Jim Delpino. Jim is a highly gifted and experienced clinical social worker and marriage and family therapist. He’s also a senior professional Love Mentor in our relationship coaching program. This article is reprinted by permission from Icon Magazine.

None of us comes into the world with the requisite knowledge and skills to achieve the goals, hopes and dreams that we will set for ourselves in life. Our first mentors and coaches are our own parents and family. After this comes a wave of people from neighbors, ministers and friends to coaches, teachers and mentors. All of these folks can potentially reach us at the deepest levels and profoundly affect the way we look at, understand and proceed with life as time goes forward. We are born with the need and wired to accept certain inputs for us to grow and achieve our hopes, dreams and goals. It is almost universal in humans to wish to meet people who will make us be what we wish to become; someone who will make us do our best and become the best version of ourselves.

A coach or mentor can significantly increase our chances of realizing our goals in virtually every aspect of life. Studies show that without a coach or mentor that, in general, we have 10% of the chance of succeeding and reaching our goals as does someone who has a coach or mentor to help them achieve their goals. Mentors and coaches are available to help us with: 1) money (Do you have a financial adviser?), 2) Fitness (Do you have a trainer?), 3) Career (Do you have a mentor at work or a career coach?), 4) Spirituality ( Do you have a priest, minister, rabbi or other teacher?), 5) Hobbies (Do you have a teacher or mentor?), 6) Nutrition ( Do you have a nutritionist?) and 7) Love and Relationships ( Do you have a mentor?). The list goes on and on.

We live in such a complex world that it is difficult to acquire all the skills and understanding necessary to succeed without proper help and guidance from someone who knows more in a given area than we do. In the middle ages, young people were taken into a guild where a master craftsman would teach and develop the skills, knowledge and habits that would lead to success. In our more complicated world we must do a similar thing and seek out those who know more about something to give us the correct inputs to realize our hopes, dreams and goals. As a species, we are designed to grow in the context of a relationship. A coaching or mentoring relationship can provide us with the inputs we require to progress.

People in general are more likely to repeat than they are to change. This is true regardless of age, gender, ethnicity, etc. If we have been doing the same thing about a problem for the last five years, we are most likely to address that same problem the same way in five years from now. This is true even if the approach to the problem has failed over and over again. Pride and stubbornness along with fear and lack of knowledge can work together inside of us to sabotage success; thus the saying, “Old Habits die hard.” With enough repetitions of failure, many of us give up hope and stop trying to achieve our goals. This is where the role of a coach or mentor becomes necessary.

A good coach or mentor brings to the relationship with a mentee the kind of inputs we are wired to receive to move through our failures to find success. There are three basic inputs a mentor or coach brings to the equation: 1) Limit setting or discipline, 2) Nurturance or support and 3) Programming, teaching or information. These are the same inputs we are wired to look for from our parents initially. A coach or mentor provides a kind of specialized parenting focused in a particular area.

Limit setting is a key input in the learning and growth process. So many of us, act in ways that actually make failure and lack of achievement high probability outcomes. A good mentor will know which behaviors and actions are contributing to failure and knows how to decrease or stop those negative actions. This calls to mind the popular quote from Albert Einstein that, “Craziness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.” For those of us who recall the song, “Hard Headed Woman” by Cat Stevens, the following quote equally applies to limit setting, “I’m looking for a hard-headed woman, one who’ll make me do my best.”

The need for nurturance and support for we humans is universal. Without basic love from our parents, we fail to thrive. In the areas of growth and goal achievement nurturance provides a certain kind of energy that embodies a belief before the fact that someone can reach a reasonable goal. We move ahead in part because those things we have not achieved are frightening for us. Nurturance and reassurance are the cure for fears of this kind. We respond to nurturance the same way that plants respond to sunlight; they orient towards the source of it. A coach or mentor who is able to provide discipline and nurturance has a better chance of succeeding with his or her mentees than one who is unable to provide both.

The third and last input of a good coach or mentor is to be able to provide knowledge and information about how to go about achieving a goal. If someone has relatively little or no knowledge about fitness he or she will not be a good trainer no matter how good he or she is at limit setting and support. Information or programming helps to rewire the brain, creating new synaptic connections allowing for us to better achieve our goal. Synapses in the brain are formed by repeatedly responding to new information. If we have as a goal becoming a better chess player, with information and practice over time we will be better in five years at chess than we are now. The physical formation of synaptic connections in the brain helps us to recognize patterns and improve our efficiency at dealing with problems. As an example, watch any teenager learning to beat a new video game. The exact same thing occurs in our physical brains when we are acquiring new knowledge to increase our chances of achieving our goals. Having a good coach or mentor who can provide all three inputs not only creates the possibility but greatly enhances the probability that we will live our hopes, dreams and goals. Especially in the challenging arenas that love provides.

Thank you to Jim for his wise words!!! Jim is one of our most gifted Love Mentors. In case you haven’t heard– I just started a highly personalized Love Mentor coaching service. Now you can have coaching from a trained Love Mentor like Jim, who has used Love in 90 Days principles to get and stay happily married. Each one has a long background in transformational work and is closely supervised by me. Most importantly, each Mentor is gifted and can help you move forward to the love relationship you really want!

The best news is that we can give you an introductory 40 minute one-on-one personalized session by phone or Skype for FREE. No strings attached. Just go to http://www.lovein90days.com/contact/ to get your own personal FREE session by phone or Skype ASAP, because the time slots are filling up very fast.

Wishing You Love

Dr. Diana

Author's Bio: 

Dr. Diana Kirschner is a psychologist who has helped thousands of singles get the love they want. Dr. Diana’s dating and relationship advice have been featured on the Today Show, where she is a frequent guest, her PBS Special on love & the 90 Day Love Challenge on the Fox Morning Show. Love in 90 Days is now in paperback with a new chapter, Dating Games Men Play! And to celebrate the launch get $100 in FREE BONUS GIFTS! Visit http://www.lovein90days.com/new-dating-book/

And don't forget to sign up for my free dating tips and relationship advice newsletter by going to http://www.lovein90days.com. You will learn how to find, attract and keep great love partners.

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