Getting Married For The Second Time: How To Have A Successful Second Marriage

Getting Married For The Second Time: How To Have A Successful Second Marriage

If you have ever been through a divorce you know that regardless of which side you were on that it can be a gut wrenching experience. The emotions, fears, uncertainties and just the time spent contemplating a new future can be daunting. Many marriages begin that are inherently set up to fail. Begin by saving your second marriage before it starts with these simple tips.

Many years ago I asked a friend about marriage. His advice was simple. "The only thing that you know for certain before getting married is that you are willing to give it a try". Sound advice? I'm not certain, he had just been divorced for the forth time.

What if before launching into marriage and particularly before getting remarried we took a different approach. Blinded by idealism and possibly relieved to move beyond loneliness people enter relationships expecting the best and will overlook flaws that may lead to disaster down the road.

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A wise couple takes a different approach. Knowing that there will be inevitable struggles down the road they build a solid foundation that will not be eroded in the worst of marital storms. This couple takes the time to really understand each other and as they build trust they become more vulnerable and open to each other. This is how individuals can overcome the statistics and saving your second marriage before it starts.

Learning to communicate when life is good and you are not facing a crisis is the best guard against struggles taking the life out of your marriage down the road. A couple that works on techniques to open the lines of communication first will be best prepared to weather the inevitable storms.

Investing in your future success will not only help in crisis but will draw you and your partner closer together and help you to enjoy each other more every day. Make the commitment together to nurture your relationship. Chances are you have both had different experience that are equally difficult in your past. Understanding what you have each been through and better understanding what may come up as possible issues will help safeguard your marriage.

Saving your second marriage before it starts is a positive first step with your new partner and they will appreciate that you are taking the first steps toward fortifying your marriage and your future together.

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At long last! You have tied the knot and have entered marital bliss! Now you and your spouse have a new life living together as husband and wife. You now have the freedom to populate the world and add offspring to the rising number of the world's ever growing population. But wait, this requires one big question - Are you now ready to have children?

Is It Baby Time Yet? Or Is It Just Our Time Now?

Think about it - stop, look and listen to yourself. Since the beginning of you saying, "I do." The two of you are in the just getting to know one another stage. You definitely want to spend a lot of time alone together. The last thing you should want at this stage is to add a little baby into the mix. That baby would just take precious time away from the both of you in spending quality time together. Be real. That's how majority feels.

Is Your Partner Ready In Having A Baby?

This may be a not so common question in marriage, and it is often neglected, but have you and your spouse discussed having children before the two of you got married? Normally this topic should be discussed before ever committing to a marriage. What were your partner's thoughts on the matter? Did he or she ever let you know before you tied the knot that he or she was not that interested or planning to have children ever? Or was she or he a bit more ambivalent?

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Maybe, just maybe, this was a topic or subject you avoided or just thought that you would resolve later. If she or he has already and strictly made clear that he or she is not that interested in children and having them, then don't expect to ever change feelings about the matter. But don't lose hope. As we age and our life circumstances change, people do often change or alter their feelings on or about parenthood.

Ask yourself how important having children is to you. For some, the thought of never having children is unbearable. If having children is really something necessary for you to feel ultimately fulfilled, then this is something that will need resolution eventually. Does this mean that you should end the relationship when your partner doesn't want any children? No. But avoiding the subject or simply hoping that he will change his mind, is most likely not the best approach.

Maybe a few years into marriage, you are stuck in a dead zone in your career. You have bought your first home and you are both locked into the current circumstances. With climbing debt you decide it isn't the right time to start a family.

After a few more years, both of your careers are good and pretty much settled one of you have already advanced up the corporate ladder, the salary is great, life is awesome and you would have even more than enough money to afford having a child. So what's the problem? You looked in a mirror and see that you're already 40 years old. You start to think that you're a bit too old to be having children. So you sit back and give a long sigh of dissatisfaction. You wished you had decided to have a child sooner than this.

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Romantic jealousy is probably one of the most intense and destructive emotions we can harbor. Romantic jealousy results where there is a perception, correctly or not, that there is a threat coming from a third party to a relationship that is highly valued and which is responsible for some level of emotional well being.

As the old adage goes, prevention is better than cure and while it is certainly possible to cure oneself of intense jealousy in a romantic relationship, preventing jealousy is the easier and more responsible route to take.

One of the most powerful characteristics in a relationship that can help to establish the environment where jealousy is less prone to happen is intellectual honesty.

Intellectual honesty is a term normally used in academic or debating circles with its main characteristics being an unbiased attitude, and full respect for known facts. Though useful in these circles, intellectual honesty can also be useful in our relationships and particularly our romantic relationships where emotions tend to run high. Applied and practiced properly in a romantic relationship, it helps lay a foundation for mutual trust, respect and a high-value relationship - all of which can go a long way in reducing the likelihood of intense jealousy ever becoming a part of that relationship.

How do you practice intellectual honesty in your relationship? Here are some ideas:

* See your conversations as a vehicle to enhancing the relationship and never your personal interests.

* Be open and do not get defensive in your conversations. Defensiveness tends to make the conversations become insular thus creating distance between both parties.

* Never knowingly omit relevant information you have that is pertinent to an issue. This builds suspicion.

* Never misrepresent or twist facts to advance your own position or interest.

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* Show genuine interest in your partner's concerns or point of view by asking pertinent questions.

But how do these help in building a bulwark against and preventing jealousy in your relationship? Here is what you will find happening over time with the practice of these principles.

* You and your spouse will become more conscious of how you interact with each other over time and this consciousness will lead to a deeper connection and understanding of the value of the relationship.

* Openness means you have to unmask your own feelings which leads to a deeper sense of sharing.

* When you choose to share all the information you have on a particular subject, no matter your own personal feelings, you are saying to your spouse - I trust you to be fair and I am also prepared to be fair. This can only result in value and trust being built in the relationship.

* Being honest, refusing to twist facts to support your own interests demonstrate integrity and a refusal to be unfair to your spouse. This not only demonstrates respect for your spouse but for the integrity of the relationship.

Jealousy is a monster that feeds on insecurity. All of the above will build a sense of security within the relationship. The more the relationship is valued and the more that both parties really believe that each values the relationship the less likely either party will doubt the faithfulness of each to the relationship. This is what helps in building a bulwark against jealousy in the relationship and preventing jealousy in the long run.

You may not be able to completely remove feelings of jealousy from your relationship, but one thing is certain - the more emotional security there is in the relationship, the more likely you are to prevent jealousy from taking root.

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Many couples don't realize how they are slowly pulling themselves away from each other mentally, emotionally, and physically because of the separate lives they lead. The husband is doing his own thing, and not thinking about his wife's feelings, and the wife is doing her own thing, not thinking about her husband's feelings. This kind of marriage has its priorities confused.

Priorities in many marriages are backwards. What should be priority number one is on the bottom of the list and what's on the top of the list should be on the bottom. This is exactly why infidelities and other marriage issues happen. Couples don't realize where they are taking their marriage when priorities are not aligned properly. In a typical marriage husband puts himself above God. He doesn't mean to do this, but he does not have a firm grasp or understanding of how to direct his marriage.

If a husband thinks he is at the top of the priority list then who is he accountable to? Himself? Who is he responsible to? If a man lives his life as a "one man show", without responsibility to his wife, family, or marriage, there will be problems! This man will never be fulfilled and happy in life because he has no purpose. He does not understand the importance of marriage. He does not understand that he could be the king in his own home by making his wife his queen.

The wife's priorities are backwards too. She is not putting God first in her life, and therefore she lives her own life under her own understanding. Who is she accountable to? Who is she responsible to? If a wife lives her life as a "one woman show", without responsibilities to husband, and family she will never be happy in her relationships or fulfilled as a woman, no matter who she is married to.

What do I really need to do to make my spouse love me again? Is it possible to build massive attraction in my spouse?

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How can I say these things with such conviction? At one time in my life I did not put God first in my life and everything around me deteriorated. You see, God has a plan for you. His plan is for you to succeed in everything that you do. Yes, in everything that you do! But there is a stipulation - you must put God first in your life then He will give you happiness and abundance.

The fact is God created marriage to be a partnership between a man and a woman - they are team players working together for the benefit of the marriage and family. Is this how your marriage is? Who are you accountable to? Some couples don't think they are accountable to anyone, not even their spouse. Is that why some spouses have affairs?

In the marriage that God designed, a husband is to be accountable to God first and then to his wife. That means a husband has responsibilities to his wife to take care of her, and to love her, even when he doesn't feel like it. This is the most important purpose you will ever have in life. God wants you to take care of your responsibilities wisely, and then there will be blessings.

Wife, you are accountable to God and to your husband also. You have a responsibility to support and to respect you husband. This is what God created you for. God created the union of marriage to work best when both husband and wife KNOW what their duties and responsibilities are to each other.

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Marriage is not about going your separate ways like marriages do today. Wife has her career and friends and husband has his career and friends. Wife has her endeavors that she embarks on and husband has his. Is this a marriage of one flesh or is this two people living separate lives?

Marriage is about building each other up in the Lord and creating abundance and happiness for yourselves and family. It is about happiness, love, and abundance. Do you have that in your marriage? Why or why not? What can you do to bring abundance into your marriage?

Society has taken marriage and turned it upside down. The intention of "loving each other for life" is a nice thought, but if couples aren't really committed to working together and helping each other be all that they can be, then they are probably going to have an unhappy marriage. It's all about priorities, priorities, priorities. If a husband is putting himself above his wife then that is being selfish. If a wife is putting herself above her husband then that is being selfish.

What does all this mean? Well, next time you feel like doing something outside the bounds of your marriage, as a separate individual from the marriage, remember you are married and have responsibilities in your marriage. Check your priority list and see if your behavior is the proper thing to do. Will your actions be beneficial to the marriage or harmful to the marriage? We should be accountable and responsible to God first and then to our marriage.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.