The complex issues of feminity and masculinity play a key role in the development of every gay man. Why are gay men ridiculed in our society? Essentially they are criticized for expressing traits that are considered “feminine”. From an early age they learn that the way they walk or move, the way they cross their legs, the sound of their voice, or their personal interests do not match what is expected of men in this culture.

The process of unlearning these cultural “rules” of masculinity is an important task on the route to gay men’s personal growth. While it may not take long to intellectually understand that these judgments about how a man should act are arbitrary, unfair and unnecessarily restricting, the process of fully releasing these destructive voices may require some deeper attention.

In my therapy practice gay men are often surprised that they still carry with them an inner homophobia that they assumed they had expelled years ago when they first came out. They see themselves as proud, out gay men and yet upon reflection they discover that they restrict themselves from crossing their legs at the knee, or allowing their wrists to move as they want, or carefully monitoring how they are viewed by strangers or family. The habitual self-editing ultimately can lead to an overall experience of feeling tired, “less-than”, and insecure.

How can gay men let go of these deeply internalized, negative societal messages? Here are some suggestions:

□ Seek supportive friendships with other gay men. You must have contact with other gay men to fully heal the effects of inner homophobia. Look for friends who know how to support rather than criticize. Avoid or confront people who tease you—even in fun—for being “too gay”.
□ Starting listening more closely to your internal dialogue. Where do you criticize yourself without even knowing it? When you catch yourself beating yourself up, take a breath, and then replace those statements with true, compassionate statements.
□ Notice how you move in your body. Do you celebrate how you move or do you control and restrict yourself? Find a safe place and safe people with whom you can practice moving in any way that feels natural and good to you without having to edit yourself.
□ Read affirming books about gay men. One of my favorite books about gay male development is The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs.

It is important not to underestimate the power of the surrounding culture to impact your self esteem. Rejecting and reframing those powerful cultural messages is a process that requires ongoing attention.

Author's Bio: 

Adam D. Blum, MFT is a psychotherapist who works with gay men and couples in San Francisco. He specializes in self-esteem and relationship issues. You can reach Adam at 415-255-4266 or via the web at He writes a blog on these topics at