Often times partners share their wondering about how exclusivity, monogamy, and fidelity is possible in a longterm relationship. It is usually the male partners who pose this question when their female counterpart is not present.

I appreciate their honesty, risk and willingness to explore this topic and concern. I completely understand their plight. Unfortunately, this is often chucked to “boys will be boys”, “it is unnatural for a man to be monogamous” and the like making men appear archaic. I would like to believe that we are more evolved than this. That society is not caging an animal with marriage that when let loose it will wreak havoc. No, not “I would like to believe”, I DO believe that.

I believe that the primal impulse to conquer and be “king of the jungle” has evolved and moved to the career and money earning potential realm. This is why men who don’t feel comfortable in their level of success, as measured by society’s standards in this regard, are depressed, dissatisfied, “searching” and managing the associated pain by numbing themselves in some way. Yes, the “successful” ones experience some of this as well because they still don’t feel as the “king of the jungle” at some level… Their primary relationship is not meeting this need… I hear the uproar from women, feminists and social keepers… But, let these men loose and they are still not happy…

The answer lies in the balance between togetherness and separateness not just when it comes to how much time we spend together, but at an identity and energy level. If we are “too close” we lose our selves, our individuality, our uniqueness. This is a traumatic and annihilating loss. Women have a higher tolerance level for this as historically and culturally they’ve been taught, and even threatened, to be in this role, and because their brain is wired for “weness” to serve an evolutionary purpose. Men might experience this more as the caged-in syndrome. They are more likely to experience exclusivity as restrictive and believe that the answer might lie in going elsewhere to find and engage the other parts of themselves…

Sexual intimacy as we know it in relationship, is laden with burden and restrictiveness. Women bring in the caretaking and men the protectiveness (restrained aggression). Neither is bringing their primal and adult-evolved selves, whose basic needs are being met, to their interaction. This creates neediness and apathy. This is boring!

What we usually fail to see is that in absence there is longing. In separateness we can embrace and share our splendor, and herein the “king of the jungle” thrives. Here is where men and women get to be themselves without the burden of stereotypes and other prescriptions… So, how do we set up security, connection and closeness to meet our security needs, and yet allow for space, separateness and individuality to meet our identity and erotic needs?

We think (or react…) through our interactions. We think through our lovemaking. Thinking creates emotional intimacy (when positive…), but with the caveat of impeding erotic intimacy. We do not allow ourselves to feel and be present. We do not fully express ourselves physically. We do not fully engage our embodied soul. We feel empty and dead. We might fall pray to believing we’d feel more alive by increasing the number of sexual conquests we notch on our belt, but we are bigger than this! It is instead about how we fully express our Selves in our human dimension in every interaction and every moment. It is not about numbers, it is about being…

So, while we continue to invest in meeting our basic needs it behooves us to be with ourselves, in our body and have a full experience of our Selves that we share with our partner. Yes, reality has its limitations and consequences. It is challenging to achieve this level of Being.

In the mean time the use of fantasy, Imagination, in sexuality is a vehicle that allows for the expression of unmet security needs, unburdened loving, and engagement of our embodied soul. As Esther Perel suggests, “sex is somewhere we go, not something we do” and the goal in our relationship is to have intimacy through sex – erotic intimacy.

Our committed relationship, marriage, is then not a cage but a mechanism for self exploration, development and expression. This marrying of meeting our security and identity needs, eroticism, frees us to transcend our human experience, and the perceived limitations of monogamy, allowing us to embrace our latent Spiritual Being…

At the end of the day, fully embracing our humanity and physical body is our pathway to our Spiritual Self… Complete the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment to help you effortlessly start implementing this, make changes and immediately experience the relationship you want. There is no need to be archaic – transcend the limitations and embrace the possibilities!

Happy Transcending!

Copyright (c) 2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

Author's Bio: 

About Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT (Metropolitan MFT)
I'm the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC (Metropolitan MFT), a private psychotherapy practice specializing in working with couples. I help couples succeed at their relationship by assisting them get on the same page and deeply understand each other, repair hurts, create intimacy, stay connected, share passion, and tap into their synergy. I specialize in pre-marital, codependence, reactivity / anger, and infidelity work.