Five Forces That Hinder or Enhance Togetherness - Part 4

“We seem to be growing apart.”

“Whatever happened between you and Sharon?” I asked Sharon’s ex-husband.

"Oh, she’s moved back to Phoenix with her sister.” I remained silent to give my friend time to say more. He sighed heavily and said, “We just seemed to grow apart over the years.”

Millions of couples meet, fall in love, get married, get used to each other, get bored with every-day-life, change in a variety of ways, then grow apart, and finally divorce. Then, they search for someone or something to fill the void in their sad and lonely lives for the next decade or so. They suffer from a low Relational IQ.

Relational IQ is a phrase that refers to one’s ability to connect with other people, to manage relationships with effectiveness and empathy, and to love and be loved. Some are good at it. Some aren’t.

Here are four undeniable truths that relationally intelligent people know and apply:

First of all, people with a high Relational IQ recognize the fear of rejection and must deal with the desire to be safe. To risk friendship and intimacy is to risk emotional pain. Even long-time partners, husbands and wives, parents and children, find it easier to live together on the surface of emotional familiarity where they can avoid the potential pain of disapproval, ridicule, or outright rejection.

Their associations are shallow, their friendships are superficial, and their hearts are sheltered. Sheltered but not warm — and they grow colder day-by-day until they are once again warmed by friendship and love. People with high Relational Intelligence know that closeness and intimacy include the risk of pain and regret but take the chance anyway.

The second truth people with high Relational IQs know is that someone has to take the initiative. The problem is no one wants to make the first move to apologize or be the first to start a healing conversation.

We want the other to apologize to us. We want her to express regret first or him to move to patch up the relationship. Relationally Intelligent people accept that someone must take the initiative, and often it must be them.

The third truth people with high Relational IQs know is that relationship building takes time. You can’t microwave relationships, you can’t listen in a hurry, you can’t communicate in sound bites, and you can’t text message your way to intimacy, Why? Because no one is normal, we’re all weird. We’re all clogged up with pride, guilt, shame, damaged egos, dented self-esteem, and badly broken hearts. Relationally Intelligent people know that it takes time to work through each other’s weirdness.

The fourth truth that people with high Relational IQs know is that relationships must be given a top priority. We get a job, make money, work overtime, volunteer for service clubs, drive the kids to dance class, help coach their soccer team, and run to and fro so fast that we never have time to build truly loving relationships.

Then one day, all packed inside the family van, we notice that the person in the seat beside us or the kids in the back seat are strangers even though we’re on our way to “family night” at church. As Steven Covey says in his book, First Things First, we discover we’ve climbed the ladder of success only to find it is leaning up against the wrong wall.

People with Relational Intelligence know that there is more to life than motion, money, and might. They prioritize that which brings lasting satisfaction: loving relationships then place all the other urgencies of life in proper perspective.

How high is your Relational IQ? Ask yourself, then, ask your mate or your children, or your best friend for the real answer.