Father-Enmeshed Women: Can A Father-Enmeshed Woman Sabotage Her Relationships?

If a woman is in a relationship, it might not be long before it comes to an end. Now, this might not be because she is with a man who is not right for her or is treating her badly; no, it can be because of what her father thinks of the man that she is with.

So, when she is with her father, he could often talk about how he doesn’t think that the man she is with is right for her. Or, if he doesn’t say that, he could say something that means the same thing.

Another part

Additionally, when he has spent time around her boyfriend, he might not come across as very friendly. For example, he could come across as distant, critical and as though he doesn’t like him.

Due to this, she might have decided that it is best that her father doesn’t spend time around her when she is with her boyfriend. However, this can cause her to experience conflict, as she is also likely to want her father to approve of and get on with him.

The Next Stage

After this has been going on for a few weeks or months, she could feel compelled to end the relationship. Her boyfriend could be totally confused about what is going on and ask her why this is.

She could say that it isn’t working or something similar, but not fully go into why she has ended it. After she has ended it, she could find that she feels more settled and that her father becomes warmer.

The Other Side

Her father might also say that she did the right thing and that she deserves better. However, it might not be long until she is filled with grief and deeply regrets what she has done.

What can enter her mind is that he was right for her and that she has made a big mistake. It might not be long until she realises that she ended the relationship to please her father, not for any other reason.

A Pattern

After this has become clear, she could look back on her life and see that this is not the first time that she has behaved in this way. She might see that this has taken place on at least one other occasion.

If so, what might enter her mind is that there must be something wrong with her. She can then blame herself for ending the relationships that she has had and end up feeling very low.

Stepping Back

Nonetheless, if this is how she responds, what she will need to keep in mind is that she is unlikely to be consciously choosing to behave in this way. Instead, she is likely to be reacting to her early programming.

It is then far more than her just trying to please her father and gain his approval. At a deeper level, she is likely to believe that if she doesn’t please him, she will be rejected and abandoned.

What’s going on?

Her father’s inability to accept that she is an autonomous human being who has her own needs and feelings, and his need to control her, is likely to be a reflection of how he treated her as a child. Throughout his stage of her life, he is likely to have seen her as an extension of himself.

It was then not his responsibility to be there for her and meet her needs; it was her responsibility to be there for him and meet his needs. From a very young age, then, a role reversal occurred.

One Option

If she resisted what took place, as, deep down, she would have known that this wasn’t right, she is likely to have been disapproved of and even punished. She would then have been rejected and she might have been left.

To stop this from taking place and to try to be loved, she would have lost touch with a number of her needs and feelings. The outcome of this is that she would have lost touch with her connected true self and developed a disconnected and outer-directed false self.

It was Futile

But, as her father is likely to have been developmentally stunted and unable to provide her with what she needed to grow and develop in the right way, it wouldn’t have mattered how she adapted or what she did. Yet, by living in the hope that he would change, it would have played a part in stopping her from having to face how she felt and reality.

Her father probably wasn’t emotionally close to her mother, or they might have split up. Either way, as he wasn’t able to be there for her and used her, she wouldn’t have been able to develop a separate sense of self and will have stayed emotionally entangled with him.

Moving Forward

Taking all this into account, how she is behaving as an adult is a natural consequence of how deprived she was as a child. For her to change her life, she is going to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience.

This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.