For someone to have deeper connections with others, they will need to share how they feel. If they were to purely share what they have been doing and their views, for instance, this wouldn’t take place.

This is not to say that being this way wouldn’t allow them to form connections with others; no, what it means is that these connections wouldn’t have the same level of depth. This is because they would only be sharing a small part of themselves.

The Norm

Nonetheless, if someone only shares a small part of themselves with others, it doesn’t mean that they will realise this. What this comes down to is that experiencing life in this way could just be what is normal.

Along with this, they might not have a strong connection with their feelings. If this is so, there is going to be no reason for them to know that they are not expressing how they feel, let alone to realise that this is preventing them from having deeper connections with others.


By not being connected to how they feel, they are unlikely to even be aware of their need to have deeper connections with others. Thus, having relationships with others that lack depth is going to be something that feels comfortable.

There is a chance that they have been in this shut down state for most if not all of their life. Being this way is also likely to show that they won’t have a strong connection with their true self and will typically play a role.

Living on the Surface

How they come across, then, will be a reflection of their disconnected false self. This will be a self that is not connected to most of their needs and feelings and is outer-directed.

So, even if they see themselves as someone who is their own person, they are still going to be strongly driven by a need to please others. But, as this need is likely to be outside of their conscious awareness, this won’t occur to them.

Another Scenario

At the same time, someone could be in a position where they are only too aware of the fact that they seldom reveal how they really feel. They can see that they typically act as though very little bothers them.

Yet, even though this will be something that they are actually aware of, it won’t allow them to take the next step and to express how they feel. They may then wish that they were unaware of this as knowing about and not believing that they can do anything can be a heavyweight for them to carry.

It’s Automatic

When they are around a friend or family member, for instance, they can find that they make out that everything is fine. There is a strong chance that they won’t consciously choose to keep their feelings to themselves; it is something that just happens.

This can also be a time when they lose touch with how they feel and are unable to access their emotional self. Consequently, they might talk about what they have been doing but that could be about it.

Weighed Down

Having the tendency to keep how they feel to themselves is likely to make their life far harder than it needs to be. As the saying goes, a problem shared is a problem halved, and this comes back to the fact that they are an interdependent human being.

If they were to generally open up, then, they would be able to have deeper connections with others, feel more supported by them and let go of some of the weight that they carry. Ultimately, it wouldn’t be as if they were so alone.

What’s going on?

If this is how they have been for most of their life, irrespective of if they are or are not aware of what is going on, it could be due to what took place during their formative years. Throughout this stage of their life, their feelings might have largely been ignored, dismissed and criticised.

Furthermore, there may have been moments when they were rejected and abandoned for expressing how they felt. What these experiences would have done is made it clear that if they wanted to be accepted and not be isolated, they had to hide how they felt.

No Other Option

And, as they had to hide how they felt, it would have also meant that they had to lose themselves and become an unreal person. What this comes down to is that their feelings were and are an essential part of them; they can’t just be cast aside.

As they were cast aside, they would have lost touch with their essence and ended up creating a disconnected false self. This false self would have had very little to do with who they were and everything to do with their need to survive.

A Defence

This stage of their life will be over but if they were to change their behaviour, they would end up coming into contact with a lot of painful inner material that has been kept outside of their conscious awareness for so long. The truth is that there is nothing wrong with their feelings and they don’t need to hide them.

For them to know this at the core of their being, though, they will probably need to face pain and express the unmet developmental needs that ended up being repressed all those years ago. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence.


If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, inner child and inner awareness. With over three thousand, two hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

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