If someone was to take a step back and reflect on the feelings that they experience, what could soon stand out is that they often have moments when they feel as though something is missing. They will then look whole and complete but they will seldom feel whole and complete.

By having this understanding, they will be able to do something about what is going on. On the other hand, if this was not something that they were consciously aware of, this wouldn’t be seen as something that is possible.

Another Reality

Alternatively, they could be in a position where they are not consciously aware of how they feel. But, even though they won’t be aware of what is going on for them, what is going on for them will still have a big impact on their life.

What this shows is that in addition to their conscious sense of themselves, there is another part of them. This other part of them, often described as their unconscious mind, is bigger and far more impactful than their conscious mind.

A container

This part of them will contain pain, unmet developmental needs, adult needs, and rejected parts of themselves, among other things. So, the sense of emptiness that they carry will be held in this part of them.

From here, it will give them the need to behave in ways and attain things that will hopefully allow them to feel different. But, as they are being driven by a need that they are not consciously aware of, they won’t be able to join the dots, so to speak.

The Outcome

Consequently, if they were to think about why they behave in a certain way or want a certain thing, they are going to come up with a reason or a number of reasons that don’t reflect what is really driving them. For example, they could spend a lot of time eating and say that this is just because they have a big appetite.

Or, they could spend a lot of time buying things and say that this is because they enjoy shopping. In truth, eating or buying something will be a way for them to try to fill the emotional hole that is inside them.

Another Example

Along with this, they could more or less always be in a relationship, with them going from one person to another and not allowing themselves to be alone. Once again, they could justify this by saying that they prefer to be with someone.

The main issue that they could have with the people that they have been with is that they were not right for them. It can be as if this person was not giving them what they needed.

A Temporary Solution

Regardless of what they do to try to change how they feel they are likely to end up feeling frustrated and deprived. Ultimately, a thing or person ‘out there’ won’t be able to fill the hole inside them.

The only thing a thing or a person will do is allow them to suppress what is going on for them for a short while. And, after it becomes clear that a thing or a person won’t be able to provide them with what they need, they can become frustrated and feel deflated.

A Different Scenario

Or, they could soon do something else, which will allow them to keep how they feel at bay. This can happen without them even needing to think about it.

However, there could come a time when they no longer have the desire or energy to behave in this way. It is at this point that they can take a step back and look deeper into why they are behaving in this way.

Back In Time

What could soon stand out is that they feel empty and that they have been unknowingly trying to change this for most if not all of their life. After this, they could wonder why they feel this way.

There is a strong chance that they were deprived of the love that they needed during their early years, which would have stopped them from being able to grow and develop. This may have been a time when one or both of their parents were emotionally unavailable.

Two Types

As a result of this, they would have had a physical birth but they wouldn’t have had an emotional birth. For this to have taken place and for them to have developed a strong sense of self, they needed to have an attuned parent who could generally meet their needs.

As this didn’t occur, this would have been a time when they were often ignored, rejected and abandoned. This would have deeply wounded them, but, as they were powerless and totally dependent, they were unable to change what was going on or to find another family.

One Option

The only thing that they could do was to disconnect from their feelings and a number of their needs and adapt to what was going on. This would have involved them developing a disconnected false self and doing what their parent wanted.

Their conscious mind would have gradually forgotten about what took place and the impact that it had on them to allow them to keep it together and function but their repressed pain and unmet development needs will have continued to influence how they experienced life. A big part of what will allow them to change their life will be for them to face and work through the pain they had to repress.


If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, enmeshment, inner child, true self and inner awareness. With over three thousand, two hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

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