Empowering Your Love Life and Relationships Six tips to practice daily for a healthy relationship

Modern Marriage has higher expectations!
Why has the divorce rate risen significantly over the past fifty years?
I feel that modern day relationships require more maintenance than those from past generations and many couples lack the skills and desire to succeed in marriage and partnerships. Today, we are expecting more from our partners and couples are requiring mediocre marriages to become good and good relationships to become great. Relational skills and clear articulate communication are key starters to getting what you want and deserve from your relationship.

STOP Repeating Harmful Patterns!

One of the problems that I often see with couples is an imbalance of expectations in their relationship. Many times partners are not clear on what is expected of them and consequently fall short when it comes to pleasing themselves and their partner. A commo
"dance" I see is one partner (typically the woman) playing a "submissive wife" which frustrates her, even though this is how she has chosen to act. She eventually builds retaliatory walls and resentment while keeping quiet to maintain peace and harmony in their home. She is probably playing this role because she is modeling what she saw growing up.

Meanwhile, the other partner (typically the man) takes on the role of a controlling dominant husband whose unbridled self- expression causes his spouse to withdraw even more. He doesn't use boundaries when speaking and feels like he is the "man of the house" so he can dictate what he wants with out considering the consequences. Chances are, he learned this behavior from one of his parents'.
Both of these behaviors are lacking boundaries and respect. Unless this is stopped their dysfunctional dance, will continually lead to deep resentment and a lack of healthy intimacy.

RELATIONSHIP EXERCISE

1. Do you blow up and go with your knew jerk response, not thinking of the repercussions or impact it may later have on your spouse?
_____YES _____NO

2. Do you feel the need to always be "right" and have the last word? Do you get defensive with constructive criticism?
_____YES _____NO

3.Do you try to control your spouse in either a direct or indirect (passive aggressive) way and make sure your point is validated?
_____YES _____NO

4. Are you assuming a dominant role, or a submissive role? Why do you need to take either position?
_____YES _____NO

5. Are you walking on Eggshells in your own home and over-accommodating to keep peace at all costs?
_____YES _____NO

6. Do you shut down and withdraw to avoid controversy when you know you should be sticking up for yourself and kids?

_____YES _____NO
IF YOU ANSWERED YES…..

Look over your answers and rate your self in your own relationship. Read these tips on how you can improve your self and your relationship.

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1: The voice of reason and maturity will always be a healthier path when you are about to EXPLODE. When you feel your heart racing and the need to blow up, breath and say to yourself, "I am not going to go with my knew jerk response today, but will lead with humility and go to my "functional adult" part of myself." Strengthening this power to override your automatic response is the heart of relationship healing.

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2: If you feel the need to always be right or feel the need to find out whose view is more "valid" or "accurate" you are most likely not leading with humility. There is a saying, "You can be right or you can be married." Remember that the next time you are indignant in trying to convince your partner to see things your way.

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3: Controlling your partner will inevitably come back to bite you. Even if you think you have gotten your way, you haven't. Your partner will make you pay and will RETALIATE (consciously or unconsciously) by withholding intimacy and love. They will be sure to punish you over time.

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4: Assuming a dominant or submissive role in your relationship is not being in the center of health. Use my relationship grid to provide a snapshot of where you are, and correct for imbalance by doing self-esteem and boundary work. Go with your gut instinct to feel if you are "off " one way or the other.

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5: If you are walking on eggshells and over-accommodating in your own home, most likely you are not facing the reality of your situation. Stop denying what uncomfortable truths should be faced and take action. Once you realize that you can't change anyone-only yourself you will become more empowered.

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6: Withdrawing and building strong walls differs from responsible distance taking. This typically stems from either resignation or retaliation. Recognize your "dance" and break down the walls. Learn healthy communication to face your situation with maturity. Avoiding confrontation when it should be confronted is doing a major disservice to yourself and family.
ARE YOU HAPPY WITH THE RELATIONSHIP YOU ARE IN TODAY?

Maybe you are starting a new relationship and don't want to repeat the same mistakes from the past or you are trying to find the spark that attracted you to your mate way back when...in any case decide what you want out and deserve from your relationship. Remember: You get out of life what you put into it and there is no turning back once you are on the right track to a Healthy Relationship.

Knowing when to get help and identifying if you are getting what you want out of your relationship is healthy. Don't just settle for mediocracy when greatness can prevail.
Approaching your Spouse in an Unbalanced Relationship

Have you ever pretended to the outside world that your relationship is hunky-dory when you know in the back of your mind or in the pit of your stomach things are "off"? Multiple unspoken topics, avoided truths, and confrontations swept under the rug make it inevitable that emotional intimacy is definitely sacrificed.

Many couples can relate to that scenario and will try to save face and keep the peace at all costs. Are you really being honest with yourself? Now is the time to get into a healthy relationship and Empower Yourself and Approach your Partner.

To get to the heart of to relational health you need to stop denying your reality and face it for what it really is. I know from personal experience how damaging it can be to deny uncomfortable truths and pretend (only to harm yourself) that things are humming along just great. My advice, Stop "acting" happy if you aren't happy. Don't make life overly joyful or comfortable for your spouse if you aren't being treated with respect. Stand up for yourself and incorporate balance and truthfulness into your life. You will be glad you did. My marriage of sixteen years is now better than ever. Facing reality is a form of self-empowerment.

One of the ways you can start to re-align your relationship is by saying what is on your mind in a clear and concise way. I know so many couples that want their spouses to read their minds or intentionally send unclear messages so that they can point a finger back at them when things don't go according to plan. Stop blaming everyone else and hold yourself accountable. Ask for what you want!

Bottom line is if you are unhappy in a relationship let your partner know how you feel, set a limit and find a way to get some help so the seriousness of the situation is addressed. Good luck!