Emotional Neglect In Marriage: Emotional Abandonment Shut Out By Your Spouse

If a healthy intimate relationship is to stay that way, there has to be an abundance of emotional and physical intimacy in that relationship.

But what is the connection between the two? Is one a pre-requisite of the other, and if so which one?

Which one do you need to work on more in order to achieve a powerful and healthy balance between the two in your relationship?

Physical intimacy and emotional intimacy can feed off each other but it is very important that there is a clear understanding of how these interact in order to get the best from both, not to mention the synergistic benefits to the relationship when they are in sync.

Physical intimacy of course involves the physical interaction of the partners in the relationship. It is based on desires, feelings, and perceptions. All of these at a certain level are nothing but energy being processed and represented by the associated actions.

A kiss is the result of certain energy. Sex is the result of certain energy manifesting in a most intense manner.

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So how do these energies come about? What are their origins?

Of course the mechanics of physical intimacy have to be present in order for the energy behind it to become manifest in the desired actions.

But there is little doubt that without the energy driving these actions, nothing would take place. And the energy behind them is primarily emotional energy driven by desires, perceptions, aspirations.

So it is somewhat pretty safe to say that for physical intimacy to be a huge part of any intimate relationship there must be a solid foundation of emotional intimacy.

Unfortunately most relationships make the common mistake of focusing on the physical aspect of intimacy. With this focus it is very easy to not pay attention to developing emotional intimacy with the result that given the connection between the two, physical intimacy will suffer in the long run.

So how do you ensure that there is a healthy mix of physical and emotional intimacy in your relationship?

Do you focus on one exclusively before moving on to the other? Of course not, but it is advisable that you ensure that the emotional connection is strong before moving towards physical intimacy.

Failure to establish a strong emotional connection from the very outset of the relationship is only courting confusion, suspicion and even frustration. A relationship based on powerful emotional connection is likely to be strong on emotional intimacy which leads to a higher intensity of physical intimacy.

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If you are in a situation whereby your marriage is collapsing rapidly and you are saying to yourself "I have to save my marriage now!" You will want to act quickly before it' s too late! So if you are not one to give in and throw in the towel at the first sign of trouble, then there are things that you can do today, that will start to turn your marriage around for the better.

Marriage breakups are harrowing times and emotion plays a huge part in this. It is all you can think about from the moment you wake up in the morning to the moment you go to bed. In fact it is hard to think about anything else. However this has probably got you nowhere fast. So in order to change the situation, you will have to change the way that you think! So from now on it is really important to remove emotion from any thought processes and start to think and act rationally and above all calmly.

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How many times have we said something in the heat of the moment that we probably didn't mean? Well in this sort of situation that can't afford to happen. If you feel yourself getting angry with your partner, then take a deep breath, walk away and take time out to think about a solution to the dilemma. When you have had time to think, go back and talk it over with your partner, in a calm and positive manner. This will keep the lines of communication open with your partner and they will see that you are taking their feelings and wishes into consideration as you try to find common ground.

Something else you can do immediately that will start to turn your marriage around is to take a look at yourself (not in a selfish way but in a reflective way). Think about ways you can improve who you are. As you start to change yourself your spouse will see that you are making the effort to save your marriage by trying to change and therefore it should spark them into action

As a marriage matures and dynamics change, we sometimes allow our needs to be buried in favour of the needs of our partner and children. Don' t do this. Take some time now to focus on what you really want out of the relationship and what makes you happy. Once you start to value yourself again, this will not only result in you becoming a more positive focused person, but your partner will regain new found respect for you.

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Valentine's Day is approaching very quickly. If you walk into any store, you will see hearts, balloons, flowers, and lots of the colors red and pink. Merchants are attempting to get us to spend money on our spouse, girl-friend, or boy-friend to celebrate a "day of love." Florists will have more orders for flowers than any other day of the year, except maybe Mother's Day. More cards are sold than any other card than Christmas cards and Mother's Day cards. Gifts of all sorts are bought while hotel rooms are rented well in advance for the little get-a-way around Valentine's Day. Now, am I against such spending? NO WAY! I will buy the cards and maybe even the flowers or a gift. I will want to go out on a date or maybe I might fix a romantic dinner for two at my house. The plans are still in the works, I promise. You will have to wait and see what I decide to do and then only if I decide to write about it will you actually know what happens at my house for a Valentine's Day celebration.

The reason that I bring up all the hype of Valentine's Day is that many times we want to shower our loved ones with gifts on just special occasions, but we do not want to show love on an everyday occurrence. Let me ask you a simple question, "What does love look like to you?" Another way of wording the same question would be, "What are your expectations in your love relationship?" The question I think is a simple one to ask, but the answer might be much more complex. Gary Chapman wrote a book a number of years ago entitled, The Five Love Languages. He has since written about teenagers, children, and even now about apologies. We all have different ways of saying "I love you." I personally think that every married couple should read that book, but this writing today is not to be centered on how we say "I love you," but rather what are we saying when we say "I love you."

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The Bible uses a word in the original language that most people have heard that we translate as love and that word is ? (agape). Agape love is the love that describes God, God's relationship with man, Man's relationship with God, and Man's relationship with his wife. The love is a love that is totally unconditional and selfless. It is a self-sacrificial love that is given actually in spite of the fact the recipient does not necessarily deserve to be loved in such a way. Agape love is not earned or deserved, it is given.

With those thoughts on the word LOVE, how would you describe your love for your spouse today? Would you say that your love is sacrificial or selfless? Or would you have to say that your love is selfishly motivated? I am not trying to accuse anyone with these questions. I am attempting to cause you to focus on your relationship with your spouse from a Biblical perspective, which in turn will enable your relationship to go the distance. Unconditional love can stand the test of time. Every one of us will change over the years. Age catches up to us in all kinds of different ways. Some of us have put on a pound or two extra, (maybe a lot more than that) while some of us have lost our hair. Some people's hair has changed colors while others have changed the color of their hair. Eye-sights change, hearing changes, as well as even some personalities will change. With all of the changing that takes place over the course of a lifetime, there needs to be a foundation that the relationship is built on in order for it to maintain a sense of stability and that foundation has to be ? Love!

Do you have it? Are you sharing it with your spouse so that every day is a Valentine's Day?

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NASB)
4 Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,
5 does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,
6 does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never fails;

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According to a recent study[1], generosity, along with sexual intimacy and commitment, was rated in the top three predictors of "very happy" marriages; specifically of those married partners with children.

This may not be much of a surprise. Most people would predict that those three qualities would make the list.

Perhaps these qualities meet partners' needs on various levels - commitment at the base, sexual intimacy the core, and generosity the cream on the cake.

THE FIRM FOUNDATION OF COMMITMENT

This fact is surely a no-brainer, yet practicing loyalty by way of practical senses-of-sacrifice is, without doubt, exceptional.

Couples may stay together for decades, seeing out their vows till death do they part, but can their long-term commitment augment, in any way, the more important and abundantly relevant issue of day by day and moment by moment commitment? Where are partners when the chips are down?

Commitment is more than agreeing not to divorce; it's more than keeping the vow of fidelity; and, it's even more than sticking by our partners through thick and thin.

Commitment, as a firm foundation, is loyalty to one's spouse as one might be loyal to oneself - in, and of, a rational mind. Who, of a sensible mind, would decry themselves?

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THE FLUX CORE OF SEXUAL INTIMACY

The engine room of marriage has to be located in intimacy, and the real brake horsepower quantifying such intimacy is the nuance of sexual intimacy; not 'brilliant sex' by any means, but partners immediately and conscionably comfortable with each other in the orientation of sexual play.

Trust and respect have no better basis than by expression in the bedroom; true sexual intimacy is achieved when marriage partners strive to discover in their partner what remains to be discovered; and, they serve each other.

Sexual intimacy, hence, introduces the topic of generosity.

WHAT MAKES MARRIAGES 'VERY HAPPY' - GENEROSITY

The point of the cited article was to highlight the strong ratio of generous acts in so-called "very happy" marriages.

It may, on the surface, seem to be quite a blow for marriages where partners are not especially generous - they are more likely to not be uniquely satisfied and as close to perfectly content as can be.

But, knowing that generosity can make big differences in marital happiness outcomes motivates partners - even for initially selfish reasons-to outdo one another such to achieve such wedded happiness, themselves, personally.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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