Effective Communication

Effective communication is something that I study extensively as I suspect that how we speak and listen to one another makes or breaks our interactions. What I discovered is this. While we humans may not consistently verbalize or say what we mean, we humans seem to have communication patterns and desires. After taking American Sign Language, a herd of writing and communication-design courses, and supporting thousands of clients with behavior modification and mediation (conflict resolution), I finally feel ready to publish my observations about this as a list.

We desire to communicate more effectively with those that matter to us.
We don't like saying no.
Most of us aren't good at mind reading and are frustrated by what we know that we don't know.
Some of us want to talk it out and many of us don't.
Many of us are unaware that we play, can change, and/or can pause old tapes (communication patterns).
Humans appear to want to socialize and get to know one another.
Active listening creates mutual purpose and smooths conflicts, but few of us seem to use or know what it is.
I would like to expand a bit on this list by focusing on the sweet spot of my observations: empathy. Empathic listening can save relationships, including marriages, friendships, and even business relationships.

Yet, what is it? I would say that it is a gift that we can give to ourselves and others. I know, vague. Dictionary.com defines empathy as follows.

The intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.
The imaginative ascribing to an object, as a natural object or work of art, feelings or attitudes present in oneself. By means of empathy, a great painting becomes a mirror of the self.
Dr. Marshall Rosenberg simplifies the definition, "A deep understanding what another may be experiencing." Put differently, empathy is about identifying with and deeply understanding another's feelings, thoughts, attitudes and/or experience. Yet, it can also be a bit tricky. The gift and trick of empathy is not feeling sorry for another person, nor offering suggestions or advice. In fact, I feel empathy is so powerful because it is none of these. I estimate that less than 20% of the time that people want our sympathy, suggestions, or advice first. Instead, I estimate that what most of us want is to feel fully and deeply listened to. Or, to feel completely understood and respected as capable and intelligent individuals. Offering sympathy, suggestions, and advice accomplishes none of these things. So, empathy is simply the gift of fully tuned-in-global listening. What's that?

Well let me lay this groundwork first. Let me do that by integrating empathy into my list. I promise that we'll get there. Remember, the key words that you're, uhm, listening for are global listening: wink.

1) We desire to communicate more effectively with those that matter to us.

So, how do we feel when someone puts themselves in our shoes after a long busy day saying, "Wow, if I had a day like that, all I'd want to do is put my feet up and be pampered."? Instead of, "That sucks. Poor you." Or, "Well you better relax for a bit because you know how you get when you're tired and don't." Or, "Sit down and relax. You'll feel better."

Try it and note the different responses that you receive. You may be pleasantly surprised.

2) We don't like saying no.

And why is that? Because we don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or be perceived poorly? So what if we used empathy instead saying, "I would feel so pushed and overwhelmed if I had that time commitment. I would like to help, but I also feel pushed and overwhelmed by all that I have on my plate. I can however help you by doing..."

There you are. You've just said no, honored and expressed your needs, and set helpful, yet, effective boundaries.

3) Most of us aren't good at mind reading and are frustrated by what we know that we don't know.

How can empathy help with this? My experience with behavior-change coaching is that silence can also be a need for understanding and/or a loss of words. So, when a loved one, business associate, or acquaintance is silent, what happens when we barrage this person with questions? Are you okay? What's wrong? I'm not a mind reader! Why can't you just friggin tell me what you want!@?!

Exactly, how do we feel when we're at a loss for words and someone hammers us with questions? Seriously. Just taking a step back and realizing how we might feel in this situation may slow our frustration a wee bit and add some effectiveness to our words. For example, When I'm quiet, I just want to be left alone. Is that what you're feeling?

Please let me know, if this helps to lower the frustration levels a bit: wink.

4) Some of us want to talk it out and many of us don't.

As with the last point, each of us is unique. So finding that place of what works for one and the other can be challenging. Especially when you have a talker and a not-so-much talker communicating. Empathy can help here too.

Putting ourselves in the another's position can help us to gauge if we need to talk less or more. Please let me know what your findings are on this too. Thanks.

5 & 6) Many of us are unaware that we play, can change, and/or pause old tapes (communication patterns) & humans appear to want to socialize and get to know one another.

Who has heard the saying that the most popular person in the room is the one who listens? My Grandma Beeze used to say that. It intrigued me so much that I tried listening in many different ways.

Through the years, I discovered what Laura Whitworth et al, authors of Co-Active Coaching (1998), might say is level-3 or a higher order of listening. Internal or level-1 listening, according to Whitworth et al, is internal listening. That is a sort of tuned-out listening with a focus on our own thoughts. Dialogue or level-2 listening is a tuned-in listening with a focus on our responses to what we think that we hear. Global or level-3 listening is, in part, a tuned-in listening with an active focus on the speaker's full meaning. (Wink, did you catch that?)

How do we respond when we know that someone is level-1 listening? How about level-2 or level-3 listening? Using empathy, chances are that those that we socialize with and/or are trying to know may feel the same.

So here's my challenge for you. Pause the tapes! First listen to how you listen. Is it level-1, 2, or 3 listening? What is it that you hear? Then, ask yourself this. How can I be more tuned in to what this person feels. If you are feeling truly daring, try this. So, it sounds like XXXX, is that what you mean? Once you dial in the meaning, then use a sincere empathy statement.

7) Active listening creates mutual purpose and smooths conflicts, but few of us seem to use or know what it is.

Active listening is reflective listening using clarification statements, empathy, and reinforcing statements. For example, so what you're saying is XXXX. If I were in that situation, I'd probably feel XXXX. Is that how you feel? No? So how do you feel about XXXX.

A word to the wise, touchy-feely statements may trigger some people in different ways. If in doubt, I leave out the word feel. So the above series could sound like this instead. So what you're saying is XXXX. If I were in that situation, I'd probably XXXX. Is that how you'd go about it? No? So how else would you go about XXXX.

Lastly, please be mindful of asking people the why question as that can lead to underlying issues, concerns, and, yes, feelings. If someone is cranky, chances are, not a good time to ask her or him why s/he may be cranky.

Using active listening (reflective, clarifying, empathy, and reinforcing statements) may address some of our toughest human challenges. Including, how we communicate with one another, saying no, understanding what we know that we don't know, balancing-talk-to-no-talk communication, becoming more aware of and changing communication patterns, socializing, and creating mutual purpose to smooth conflicts. All considered, as the US Department of Homeland Security, the US Congress, Wall Street, and investment banking square off with so many, perhaps now is time to develop skills that express what we mean, mean what we say - and - I might add - support our listening fully and deeply to what others may say.