At the beginning of someone’s life, they needed a mother who was able to attune to their needs and typically meet them. The reason for this is that they were in a physically and emotionally dependent state.
Therefore, although they had experienced a physical birth, they hadn’t experienced an emotional birth. For them to develop a strong sense of self, they needed to receive the right emotional nutrients.
The outcome
If their mother was generally attentive, affectionate, supportive and affirming, then, this probably would have taken place. This would have allowed them to stay connected to their body and, thus, their needs and feelings.
They would have gone from a dependent to an interdependent human being who was able to lead their own life. This is not to say that their father wouldn’t have played a part; no, what it means is that their mother would have played a bigger role at the start.
An Indirect Influence
When it comes to the role of their father at this stage, he would have played a big part in their mother having been able to be emotionally available. For example, having their father around and him taking care of the financial side of the equation, for instance, would have stopped their mother from being unsettled.
Instead of having to fear for her and her child’s survival, she would have been able to be there for her child. And, as time passed, he would have taken on a greater role.
Another Reality
However, although they needed a mother like this at the beginning of their life, they might have had a mother who was radically different. So, practically from the moment they were born, she might have seldom if ever attuned to their needs and typically provided mistuned care.
Their mother would then have been around but she would have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach in most cases. As a result of this, being ignored, rejected and abandoned would have been the norm.
A Brutal Time
Not receiving the attunement and care that they needed would have caused them to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded. Instead of gradually moving from an emotionally dependent to an interdependent state, they wouldn’t have moved beyond this stage of their development.
As they were powerless and dependent, they were unable to change their mother or find another mother who was available and could love them. So, to handle being deprived and the pain that this caused them, they would have had to lose touch with how they felt and a number of their needs.
An inner Emptiness
Along with this, the inner states that would have been activated if their mother had been available won’t have been activated. As opposed to developing a felt self of safety, belonging, worth and love, they would have developed a felt sense of being unsafe, not belonging, being worthless and unlovable.
In other words, their outer self will have developed but their inner self won’t have. They will have experienced a physical birth but not an emotional birth, which will cause them to feel empty.
The outcome
Due to this, they won’t have a sense of wholeness and could often feel as though they are missing something. Thanks to this, they might have spent a lot of time and put in a lot of effort over the years trying to change how they feel.
They might have bought a lot of things, eaten a lot, drunk a lot, been with numerous people and/or travelled all over the world. But, as nothing ‘out there’ can truly change what is going on inside them, this won’t have worked.
The Truth
What they can keep in mind is that the reason why they missed out on what they needed was not because there was or is something inherently wrong with them. Most likely, their mother wasn’t in a position to provide them with the love that they needed.
During her developmental years, she might have also had a mother who was emotionally unavailable. To handle what happened, she would have had to disconnect from herself, taking away her ability to be there for anyone else.
Moving Forward
For them to reconnect to their body and their needs and feelings and activate the states that would have been activated, they are likely to have pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. This will take courage, patience and persistence.
Awareness
If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis cover all aspects of human transformation; including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, enmeshment, inner child, true self and inner awareness. With over three thousand, seven hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.
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