Early Deprivation: What Can Happen If A Man Had A Devouring Mother?

If a man were to step back and reflect on his life, what he may see is that he finds it hard to stand on his own two feet, stand up for himself, and feel good. As a result of this, his life is unlikely to be very fulfilling.

He might see that he has been this way for as long as he can remember, and may even believe that he was simply born this way. Along with this, he could have a very challenging relationship with his mother.

A Negative Impact

So, instead of being someone who is a source of warmth and support and who has his back, she can largely be someone who makes his life harder. She can generally be critical and controlling.

If he talks about what he has been doing or what he plans to do, then, she can not only put him down, but she can also tell him what he can or can’t do. Based on how she behaves, it will be as if she sees him as her possession, not her son.

A Strange Scenario

Therefore, it won’t occur to her that he is a separate human being who has his own needs, feelings and life to lead. This will be why she has the right to his time, attention and even his resources, and can treat him however she wants.

After he has spent time around her, he could end up feeling angry and frustrated. After this, or he just might not feel angry and frustrated first, he could feel helpless and hopeless.
​
No Different

Yet, he might not even need to see her in person and have a conversation with her to feel low after. Merely messaging her or talking to her over the phone could more or less have the same effect.

What can soon enter his mind is that, in addition to his mother treating him like an object that she owns, she also treats him like a boy. In her eyes, then, he is not going to be capable of knowing what is right for him and living his own life.

A Pattern

After thinking about what it is like with his mother, what might enter his mind is that he has been with at least one woman who was very similar. She would then have been cold, controlling and critical.

Being in her presence would have undermined him, and it might have taken him a long time to get back on his feet after this relationship came to an end. Then again, he might have been with a number of women who were like this.

External Feedback

If he were to speak to a trusted friend about what is going on for him, they could say that his mother is not well mentally or emotionally. Due to this, she is unable to be loving and supportive.

They could say that no matter what he says to her or does for her, she is unlikely to change. After this, he might be able to accept what they say, or he could believe that his mother will change over time.

A Brick Wall

If he were to talk to her about how her behaviour is having a negative impact on him, she may listen to what he has to say and might gradually change. Conversely, she might not listen to what he has to say and could become critical.

He could then continue to try to get through to her over the days, weeks and months, and the outcome could be the same. Assuming that this is what takes place, he can wonder why his mother is this way, why he needs her approval and why he is so beaten down.

Back In Time

If he were able to go back in time and observe his early years, he might gradually be able to answer most of these questions. This may have been a stage of his life when his mother was very similar to how she is now.

She would then have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach, and she would have treated him like her possession. Consequently, he would have missed out on the attunement, care, mirroring, support, validation and love that he needed.

Another Element

And, if he tried to assert himself, he is likely to have been criticised, rejected, abandoned and even physically harmed. He would then have learnt that it wasn’t safe for him to freely express himself, and that for him be accepted and survive, he had to please his mother.

Furthermore, if he didn’t do what she wanted, his father, if he were around, might have put him down or physically harmed him. If this is what took place, it will show that his father was not in his power and enabled her behaviour.

A Brutal Time

To handle being greatly deprived and deeply wounded by his mother and perhaps his father, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs. This would have meant that he lost touch with his connected true self and developed a disconnected and outer-directed false self.

This wouldn’t have changed what happened, but it would have stopped him from being consciously aware of the harm that was being done to him and made it easier for him to notice and be prepared for the different threats that arose. He would have also come to believe that his needs and feelings were bad, that he was worthless and unlovable, and that his mother owned him.

A natural outcome

Considering this, it is not going to be a surprise that he is not in his power as an adult and still has the need to please his mother. A big part of him won’t have moved on from what happened, which is why he still feels like a powerless and dependent boy.

As for why his mother behaved in this way, she is likely to have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her formative years and ended up being developmentally stunted. To handle what she went through, she probably developed a disconnected, unfeeling and inflated false self.

Moving Forward

It was then not that she chose not to provide him with the emotional nutrients that he needed, but that she wasn’t able to do so. What this means is that his needs and feelings are not bad, he is not worthless or unlovable, and his mother doesn’t own him.

For him to gradually change his life, he will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.