If someone missed out on the love that they needed in order to grow and develop very early on, it doesn’t mean that they will be aware of this. Most of what took place during this stage of their life could be a mystery to them.

However, even if this is the case, it doesn’t mean that this stage of their life will be well and truly behind them. Not only can they be in an underdeveloped state but they can continue to try to meet their unmet developmental needs.


If this is the case, this will be something that is taking place outside of their conscious awareness, which will stop them from realising what is going on. This can mean that they will be extremely driven.

They are then going to be drawn to one thing when they will really want something else entirely. Therefore, irrespective of what they achieve, it is unlikely to lead to a deep sense of fulfilment.

An Analogy

One way of looking at this would be to say that they will be buying a drink when they really want a meal. They will then have one drink after another, only to find that no matter how many drinks they have, they are not satisfied.

Yet, as they are not aware of the fact that they really want something to eat, they will continue to have more drinks. Thanks to this, they are going to know what it is like to feel frustrated and empty.

Positive Feedback

Nonetheless, as they are likely to live in a society that idolises doing and success, they might not find it hard to receive approval. They could often be told that they are living in the right way and be seen as a model citizen.

Still, even if this doesn’t take place, they can still believe that they are on this planet to be successful. Due to this, they can keep going in the same direction even if part of them has the need to live in a different way.

Another Area

When it comes to their relationships, this could be an area of their life that has brought them a lot of pain. One reason for this is that they may have continually been with people who were unable to be there for them.

Then again, they might not have had a relationship, and may have only had what could be described as casual encounters. So, just as with their career, this will be an area that takes a lot out of them and gives them very little in return.

Stepping Back

If they were to take the time to reflect on their life, they might wonder what is going on and why it is so full of frustration. What might enter their mind is that this is just what life is like or that they are simply unlucky.

They could believe that they are doing the right things by taking action and doing things but this won’t have allowed them to live a life that is truly worth living. What is clear is that a new approach is needed.

Going Deeper

If it was put forward to them at this point that they are unconsciously struggling for the love that they missed out on during their formative years, they might end up being confused. This stage of their life will then be over but a big part of them won’t have moved on.

Via transference, this part of them will see certain people as their parents and will try to receive the love that they missed out on from them. On the one hand, it will be too late, and, on the other, as they are largely going to unconsciously co-create situations that are very similar to how it was for them early on, they will experience some of the same feelings again.

Joining the Dots

Naturally, having this understanding will allow them to see why their life is the way that it is and to do something about it. Merely being aware of what is going on and changing their behaviour is unlikely to be enough, though.

A big part of them that needs to struggle for love will not want them to change their behaviour; this part of them will want them to carry on behaving in the same way. To solely resist this, without looking deeper at what is going on, is going to lead to a lot of unnecessary struggle and strain.

At The Root

Behind their need to struggle for love that they missed out on is going to be the pain that was too painful for them to face all those years ago. In other words, struggling for love will serve as a defence that allows them to keep it together and function.

During their formative years, as they were powerless and totality dependent, it would have been too much for them to accept that their parent or parents were unable to love them. Believing that they could receive their love by doing the right things would have given them a false sense of control and stopped them from falling into a state of total despair.

A Different Being

Although they were not n a position to face their feelings all those years ago, now that they are an adult it is different. For one thing, they are stronger and they can reach out for external support.

Thus, unlike before, when it was too much for them to face them, they are more resourceful and they are no longer alone. This is likely to be a process that will take courage and patience and persistence.


If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, inner child and inner awareness. With over three thousand, two hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

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