Early Deprivation: Can Someone Have A Fear Of Abandonment If Their Parents’ Had An Unstable Relationship?

If someone was to take a step back and reflect on their life, what might end up standing out is that they have a strong fear of being left. So, they can believe that their friends are going to leave them and perhaps their partner, if they have one.

By being this way, they could see that they often feel anxious and have the tendency to cling to others. This can mean that they will do what they can to be around another or others, with them rarely spending time by themselves.

One Area

If they are in a relationship, what could also stand out is that this is the norm as they have more or less always been in one. Now, they could be with someone who is right for them, or they might not be.

But, if they are not with someone who is right for them, it is not going to be much of a surprise. The reason for this is that as they have such a strong fear of being alone, they are not going to be overly discerning when it comes to who they end up with.

An Analogy

This is then going to be similar to how it would be if someone was extremely hungry; their priority will be to eat something. As to whether or not what they eat is overly healthy might not concern them.

The difference, in this case, is that although they can eat something that is not healthy and then go back to eating what they usually eat, if one is in a relationship with someone who is not right for them, it probably won’t be easy for them to move on. In addition to their need to keep what they fear at bay, can be the attachment that they have formed to them.

For Example

So, they could be with someone who is abusive or who they are with could simply not be a good match. Assuming that they are simply not a good match, this will mean that they won’t have a strong connection to them.

Yet, this person could be pretty stable, which will provide them with the stability that they crave. As a result, their need to be with someone who they are sexually attracted to and love is going to be overlooked.

External Feedback

If they were to share what is going on for them with a friend, they could end up being told that there is no need for them to be this way. This friend could say that they are not going to leave them and if their relationship does end, they will be able to find someone else.

This friend might also suggest that they need to start thinking positively and not get caught up in their negative thoughts and feelings. Based on this, the thoughts and feelings that they experience will be irrational.

The past is present

However, even though what is going on for them can be seen as being irrational, what if there is more to it? What if what is going on for them is completely rational given what they went through during their formative years?

If what took place during this stage of their life was taken into account, they might see that a big part of them is caught up in the past. What did happen is then seen as something that will happen.

Back In Time

At this stage of their life, they needed stability and love in order to grow and develop in the right way. Instead, this might have been a time when their parents’ often argued and one parent often threatened to leave the other.

This parent might have often left and then come back or there might have only been threats, but this would have caused them to feel as if they were going to be left and to die. Therefore, they wouldn’t have been able to be at ease; they would have had to be on edge and ready for when or if they were left.

Another Element

Along with one parent leaving and then coming back or threatening to leave, they might have often been left. As they were powerless and totally dependent, they wouldn’t have been able to do anything about what was going on.

Their only option, when this happened, and whenever they experienced a lot of pain, would have been for their brain to repress how they felt and their developmental needs. This would have allowed them to keep it together and function but it would have also caused them to lose touch with themselves and to be anchored to this stage of their life.

The outcome

As what happened was then repressed and not faced and integrated, it would have gone from something that was often about to potentially happen or did happen to something that will happen. Ultimately, they wouldn’t have been able to handle how they felt at this stage of their life and their parents’ would have been too preoccupied to be there for them.

They were likely to have been too caught up with their own struggles to even notice how destructive their behaviour was. Most likely, they were unconsciously playing out their own unresolved childhood issues.
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Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they might need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.