If someone believes that they are unlovable, it doesn’t mean that they will be consciously aware of this. But, even if this is not something that they are aware of, it is still going to have a big impact on their life.

So, a lot of their time and energy could be spent doing things to make themselves more appealing. For example, they could put a lot of effort into their appearance, with them spending a lot of money on clothes.

More to it

Along with this, they could spend a lot of time exercising, and they might have even had a fair amount of cosmetic surgery over the years. Now, if they were asked why they put so much effort into their appearance, they could say that it is important to look good.

Therefore, this will be seen as something normal as opposed to something that they are doing in order to try to be loved. Still, as they are not aware of what is driving their behaviour, it is to be expected that this would be their response.

Two Levels

There is then going to be what is taking place in their conscious mind and what is taking place in their unconscious mind. They won’t be aware of what is taking place in the latter but what is taking place in this part of them will still be influencing their behaviour.

What this illustrates is that even though this part of them is hidden, it is far more powerful than their conscious mind. Now, if they have become aware of what is taking place at this level, it could be because they were in a relationship or experienced a breakup.

A Closer Look

If they have had at least one relationship, this might have been a time when they were not valued by their partner. As a result of this, they might have often felt worthless, not good enough and unlovable.

However, they might have believed that their partner made them feel this way. When this relationship came to an end, they might have ended up in a very deep hole, and once again, believed that how they felt was caused by what took place.

A Trigger

By not being aware of what is taking place for them at a deeper level, they won’t have been able to realise that what took place unlocked feelings that were already inside them. Not only this but that these feelings also played a part in why they ended up with this person.

Irrespective of whether they have had one or a number of relationships, they could believe that they are just unlucky. Until they find someone who can love them, then, they can continue to do what they can to ‘improve’ themselves.

Stuck On a Treadmill

To use an analogy, they are going to be like a product that has very little value and, thus, needs to be dressed up. This will partly be a way for them to deceive others and it will partly be a way for them to deceive themselves.

But, as they are not consciously aware of what is driving their behaviour, they won’t be choosing to deceive others. The trouble is that no matter what they do to make themselves more appealing, it won’t change how they feel deep down.

It’s Futile

Another part of this is that the self that they need to keep in place, to keep their true feelings at bay, is going to stop them from being able to experience real intimacy. For them to truly connect to another they will need to be able to be real; their false self won’t allow them to do this.

If they were to drop their mask and be real, however, this would be a time when they would feel unworthy and unlovable. The outcome of this is that they wouldn’t expect anyone to want to be with them let alone be intimate.

What’s going on?

Sooner or later, they could come to see that no matter what they do, this area of their life doesn’t change. At this point, they could be sick and tired of trying to be loveable and no longer want to live in this way.

They could wonder why they don’t feel lovable and have struggled to be loved for as long as they can remember. If they have been this way for as long as they can remember, it could show that their early years were not very nurturing.

Back In Time

Throughout this stage of their life, they might have been deprived of the emotional nutrients that they needed to be able to develop a felt sense of worth, enoughness and lovability. One or both of their parents might have been emotionally unavailable and they might have often been left and physically harmed and/or verbally put down.

How they were treated was most likely a sign of how wounded one or both of their parents were and reflected their inability to love. Nonetheless, as they were egocentric at this stage of their life, they would have personalised what took place.


If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they might need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, enmeshment, inner child, true self and inner awareness. With over three thousand, two hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

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