From the outside, someone can appear to be doing fine or at the very least, not in a bad way mentally and emotionally. But, beyond the impression that they typically create around others, can be someone who is not in a good way.

Consequently, it won’t be possible for them to receive the support that they need at this stage of their life. Now, what this could also show is that they don’t have any close friends or family members.


By being in this position, then, there won’t be anyone in their life who can truly tune into what is going on for them. Therefore, they could spend a fair amount of time by themselves.

And, when it comes to what is going on inside them, not only could they do their best to hide it from others but they could do their best to hide it from themselves. In other words, they could spend a lot of time being distracted by eternal sources.

Many options

So, they could watch a lot of TV, drink a lot, and perhaps take drugs. Ultimately, this will be a way for them to handle the pain that is inside them.

If it wasn’t for this pain, they probably wouldn’t be drawn to some of these things in the first place. It is then not that they are simply trying to undermine themselves, although there can be a big part of them that is focused on that; it is that they are trying to hold it together.

A Battle

If another person was to become aware of what is going on for them and suggested that they reach out for support, they might not take the next step. They could say that they don’t need it, for instance.

One of the reasons why this could take place is because, deep down, they can feel ashamed of their needs and not believe that they deserve to be met. They are then going to be an Interdependent human being who needs others but they won’t be able to accept that this is part of the human experience and that their needs are not bad.


Assuming that this is what is going on for them, they won’t be in a prison but it will be as if they are in a building that they are unable to get out of. As things stand, they might just about be able to hold it together via the different external suppressors that they have in place.

Yet, there could come a point in time when these no longer work due to how much tension is inside them. What might play a part in this is if they were to experience a loss of some kind.

The Final Straw

For example, a family member, pet or friend could pass on. Alternatively, they could be in a relationship and their partner could end up breaking up with them.

As a result of this, what they have been doing to keep it together and function will no longer work. Furthermore, the defences that were in place and helped with this can also break down.

Knocked Right Down

If they were to describe what is going on for them at this stage, they could say that it is a bit like being in a very deep hole. They could also feel hopeless and helpless and have lost the will to live.

Thanks to what is going on for them, they are unlikely to see a way out of the hole they are in. It is at this point that they could start to think about calling it a day and ending their life.

Two Parts

There are at least two reasons as to why this would cross their mind. One, they can be carrying so much pain that they simply can’t cope, and, two, this can be a way for them to try to be loved.

After they have thought about what will allow them to achieve this outcome, they can end up telling one or a few people about it. Subsequently, one or a few people can come to their rescue and stop them from going any further.

The outcome

After this has happened, they can start to feel different about themselves and as though people care about them. The trouble is that after the days, weeks and months pass and these people are less focused on them, they could gradually go back to how they were.

What this can illustrate is that they don’t feel comfortable with their needs and they don’t feel loveable. It will then take something extreme for them to be able to earn the right to have people in their life who love and care about them and are, thus, not worthy of being loved and cared for as they are.

What’s going on?

If they were able to step back and reflect on their life, they could wonder why they are in so much pain, don’t feel comfortable with their needs, and feel unworthy of love and being cared for. What will probably allow them to understand why they are this way is if they were to explore what took place during their early years.

Throughout this stage of their life, one or both of their parents might have been emotionally unavailable and unable to truly be there for them. What this would have done is caused them to be deprived of the emotional nutrients that they needed to grow and develop in the right way.

A Brutal Time

As they were powerless and totally dependent, there was nothing that they could do about what was going on. Their only option was to adapt and lose touch with themselves in the process.

The pain that they experienced, along with their unmet developmental needs, would have been repressed by their brain. Moreover, they would have personalised what took place as they were egocentric, which would have caused them to believe, at the core of their being, that they were unwanted, didn’t belong, were worthless and unlovable and their needs and feelings were bad.


If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, enmeshment, inner child, true self and inner awareness. With over three thousand, two hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

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