Early Deprivation: Can A Woman Find Healthy Relationships Boring If She Had A Dysfunctional Childhood?

After having been in a number of relationships that were anything but functional, a woman can end up in a relationship that is very different. This can be a relationship where the man (or woman) is reliable and consistent.

Due to this, what he says he will do will generally be what he does and he will consistently be there for her. Thus, she is not going to wonder where she stands with him and if he wants to be with her.

Inner Conflict

However, although a big part of her can be happy and grateful that she is finally with a man like this, another, stronger part of her can feel that something is missing. In fact, this part of her can crave being with a man who is different.

If this is the case, she can wonder why she doesn’t feel comfortable being with a man like this. She could see that she had wanted to be with a man like this for a long time.

One Outcome

What might enter her mind is that although the man that she is with ticks a lot of boxes, she is just not attracted to him. Thus, if she was attracted to him, she would feel comfortable being with him.

As a result, it might not be long before she ends the relationship. She could then end up being single, or she could go from the relationship that she is in, to being with another man more or less straight away.

One Scenario

Irrespective of whether she does end up with another man straight away, the man that she is with next can be very different to her ex. He can be very unreliable and inconsistent.

She is then not going to know when she will see him or if he will show up when they do make plans. Also, even if she does see him, she might not know how long he will be around for.

One Big Ride

Thanks to this, it will be as if she is on a roller coaster as her inner state will be up and down and she will seldom, if ever, be settled. Yet, as depriving and tiring as this is likely to be, she can find that a big part of her feels comfortable with what is going on.

She can find that this is the part of her that felt uncomfortable when she with her ex. Nonetheless, there is likely to be a part of her that doesn’t feel comfortable with what is going on and this part of her is likely to have been what largely played a part in why she was with a man who was different.

A Strange Scenario

This part of her can see that while being with the man that she is with feels comfortable to this part of her, it is not serving her highest good. Still, she might see that a big part of her is hooked on the man that she is with and that she can’t just break up with him.

Furthermore, what can cross her mind is that even if she does end it with him, she could end up in the same position with another man. What might enter her mind is that there is something wrong with her and that she is crazy.
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One Focus

With that aside for the time being, if she or the man she is with were to end the relationship, she could experience a strong need to be with him again. She could even become obsessed with him, with her finding it hard to focus on or think about anyone or anything else.

This could send him lots of messages, call him or try to see him where he works, for instance. Soon enough, and perhaps after she has spoken to a friend, she could wonder what she is doing and she could conclude that she needs to be supported during this time.

Stepping Back

So, assuming that she does believe that there is something wrong with her and even that she is crazy and she does reach out for support, this can be a time when she will be told that what is taking place in this area of her life is likely to be a replay what it was like for her during her early years. If she were to look back on this stage of her life, she might not remember a great deal.

Than again, she might see that this was a time when her mother and perhaps her father were emotionally unavailable and out of reach and were seldom around. Consequently, instead of having parents who were attuned to her needs and typically met them; they would have been unreliable and inconsistent and physically unavailable.

A Rough Time

Not receiving the attention and care that she needed would have caused her to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded. But, as she was powerless and dependent, she had to adapt to what happened.

To handle not having certain needs met and being in pain, her brain would have repressed how she felt and a number of her needs. This wouldn’t have changed what happened, of course, but it would have stopped her from being consciously aware of the pain that she was in and allowed her to keep it together and function.

Another Part

And, as she was egocentric, she would have personalised what happened. It was then not that her mother and father couldn’t love her; no, it was that she was worthless and unlovable and her needs and feelings were bad.

So, although this stage of her life will be over, due to the conditioning that she received and what she came to believe about herself and love, being with a man who is out of reach, unreliable and inconsistent will feel comfortable. There is also likely to be the part of her that is still trying to receive the love that she missed out on.

Another Element

Even though her mother and/or her father were unable to love her, her need to be loved wouldn’t have been neutralised. Throughout her early years, she would have struggled to be loved and, while she is no longer a child, a big part of her will still be struggling for this love.

This part of her will cause her to be unconsciously pulled to men who will treat her in a way that is very similar to how her mother and/or father treated her in the hope of finally being loved. The reason for this is that this part of her has no sense of time and is blind, which is why it can accept that that this stage of her life is over and another man is not her mother or father.

Moving Forward

For her to change this area of her life, she is likely to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.