Don't Ask; Give and You Shall Receive
By John-Robert Coleman MPA

Many people consciously or unconsciously feel that others do not treat them well enough. As a consequence they withhold or hold back from others because they think they are not getting anything from them or they do not think they have any thing to offer.
The topic here is on “withholds.” I will define what a withhold is, its origin, and some observations of why one holds back or refuses to budge to give of oneself. Then I’ll offer you a simple solution that can improve our relationships immeasurably. Are you still with me on this …?

Imagine you are enrolled in a very special Psychology 101 Honors Class for the next several minutes. You do not have to take notes; however, I do ask to pay close attention and please read this through, because the word is out and about on this universal campus that this particular professor always gives those pop-up awareness quizzes…and he may just call upon you at any given moment to awaken.

Werner Earhart, a guru in self development field defines withholds as misperceptions or misconceived thoughts we make up in our very own mind and hold it against someone or something. Thus withholds are like pebbles in our shoe that becomes an irritant until you choose to overturn your shoe, dump it! Simply, they are unforgiving, unloving thoughts we harbor, and the underlying principle is, “whatever one holds or resist in one’s own mind, it will persist” until we let it go…that’s a withhold. Basically withholds can and will unconsciously run you until we for-give it.

Now let me ask of you this, how do you feel when you hear others indulged in expressions such as I do not get any respect, I do not get enough attention, recognition, approval, acknowledgement, -- they may even say indirectly, nobody loves me, I am being taken for granted or being taken advantaged and the list can go on and on of what I labeled as the “Not getting any syndrome’’. These are just a few examples of feelings we burden ourselves with and they are often masked in complaints, excuses, judgments, criticisms and justifications. If you got this far in this reading--please take a deep breath…

Let’s admit it, from time to time we all indulge in this form of thinking and behavior. Personally, I was reluctant to speak on this very subject because I thought it was not positive enough, it was too serious, and in my mind’s eye the word “lecturing” was of talking at people rather than sharing of important information. Thus,I procrastinated and cancelled a speech (not feeling good enough) at a Toastmasters meeting last week on this very topic.

Now let’s look at where our withholds originate?
According to Eckhart Tolle from his book, New Earth, Awaking to Our Life’s Purpose says, “Who they think they are -- I am a needy little me whose needs are not being met. It’s that little whine boy or girl in us, our egos throwing a tantrum because we didn’t get what we wanted from someone in our childhood and we unconsciously carried it into our adulthood”. For example, if one did not get breast feed, perhaps s/he may be unconsciously still whining for those two cartons of milk to this day?

Furthermore he explains the “Why “of those who withhold, “It’s because you think you are small and have nothing to give. To the contrary you already know you are bigger than that; the truth is you always have something to give!” The bottom line about withholds is this: ”whatever you think the world is withholding from you, it is you who are withholding from the world.”

Then what is the solution?
Let’s do this task for a couple of weeks as our personal experiment together and see how it can slightly change our reality, brighten up our relationships. The gist of this challenge is this: When ever you think other people are holding back from you, that is, you are feeling deprived or “Not Getting Any“ or whining about a missing flavor ice cream you never received, here is what you can do--
You simply give away whatever you are denying to another! That’s right, practice just giving it away mentally or physically what you think you do not have to whoever is on your mind right now! Hey, you just forgot momentarily that outflow always determines inflow. Yes, it is a circulation problem. For example, if you want friendship, BE a friend, if you desire a lover, BE the lover, and here is your Pop Quiz: If you desire to BE at peace, BE ________.

To wrap up our experiment I believe the primary cause of any form of unhappiness is never the situation, event or someone else; it’s really our thoughts about it. Again, our specific challenge is to take One pebble, that One withhold or One resistance that is not serving us and dump it, turn it over or just give it away!
The benefit is obvious-- you carry one less piece of baggage around and you will BE freer, BE lighter and thus it will improve your relationship with yourself and others. Should you have listened carefully the emphasis is on the BEING and taking ACTION. Be the giver first rather than waiting on someone to come to you. You then can breathe lighter by circulating your gift of giving again. I learned that it’s not in the getting; it’s by giving you shall receive.

Author's Bio: 

John-Robert (JR) Coleman is a Hawai‘i based teacher, free-lance writer, self- published poet/author of his latest work entitled, “Pearl Drops of Aloha.”( As an artistic entrepreneur, John-Robert has pioneered and now implements a newly formed inspirational, educational card-product entitled, “The Heart Cards: Your Self-Guided Companion to Inner Wisdom and Empowered Relationships.”
Currently John-Robert manages Heart Card Productions LLC. ( and consults by partnering with affiliate- kindred non-profit agencies and private business to enhance their awareness and fund-raising objectives. He holds a BA in Social Sciences and MPA, Masters in Public Administration in Organizational Development with the California State University, East Bay. He is a member of Toastmasters International and is available for speaking engagements and personal consultations in affirmation development for change.