Dear Dr. Romance:

My best friend isn't talking with me since 2 months now. I'm frustrated. We are best friends since 3 yrs now. In Feb suddenly she stopped talking. We just had a small fight as in regular nothing serious. When i asked she said she doesn't want to talk anything for now. She doesn't respond to me. I said OK take your time, but its been a few months now she still doesn't want to talk. and its only with me. I even sent her an amazing greeting on her birthday which i made but she didn't respond to that. Shes enjoying college n stuff with other friends from our group, and I'm left out from the group and the fun. I know I haven't done any wrong with her. our mutual friends too tried to talk but she didn't tell them anything. I at least deserve a reason for her behavior. it hasn't happened b4. i don't know how to handle the situation now.  She's a very dear friend.

I don't want to ruin this amazing friendship with her. I share my whole life with her.  

Dear Reader:

It's hard to know what happened, but I think perhaps what you thought was a "small fight" was much bigger to her. You're seeing this entirely from your point of view.   Friends don't drop you for no reason. I also don't understand why you're being left out of your friends' group, unless they're upset with you, too. Have you tried apologizing? You're demanding an explanation, but maybe what she wants from you is an apology. It's certainly worth a try.  "Apology and Forgiveness" will help you understand what a real apology is.  Here are the four steps of apologizing:

Dr. Romance's 4 Steps: How to apologize
1. Surrender to your responsibility. When you become aware that you have made a mistake,
admit it and apologize. Use it as an opportunity to learn and grow. You don't have to be afraid
of punishment or rejection – apologizing makes it easier to be forgiven.

2. Don't be afraid to admit you're wrong. This fear comes from a culture of blaming and accusing
-- where your early family or schoolmates may have picked a "culprit" when something went
wrong, and focused on blame, rather than on fixing the problem and healing the hurt. Don't
approach every situation as if you're on trial, and don't compulsively try to convince everyone
you're not guilty. Apology and subsequent forgiveness is stress-releasing, and healthy for the
relationship, which turns out to be healthy for the participants in the relationship. Relationships
which include healthy apology and forgiveness are less stressful, more supportive, and therefore
healthier for the individuals within them.

3. Follow the following pattern for apology:
* Admit your mistake: Speak directly to the person to whom you need to apologize.
* State what you did (so the person knows you're aware)
* Say you're sorry
* Do a re-take: Describe what change you'll make to fix it, and so it won't happen again
* Say "I hope you can forgive me."

4. If that doesn't work, ask the other person what he or she wants you to apologize for (in case you misunderstood your mistake)

I know you don't understand what you did that would end a friendship, but assume that you are at fault -- it's the best way to find out what's wrong.  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction


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Author's Bio: 

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 30 years experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 13 books in 17 languages, including It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again; Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage, The Commuter Marriage, and her newest, Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences. She writes the “Dr. Romance” blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter.