Dr. Romance:

I'm a couple of years into my relationship with many problems. I met my guy online and he moved the relationship along rather quickly. His eagerness even made me a bit nervous.   After a couple of months being with him, I began to fall for him and fell in love, its kinda strange, but right after I gave him my heart he began to act distant with me. 

I never had questioned about him with other ladies up until this point.  At this time, I decided to check online and see if he's had any activity, and sure enough he was live-online when I was viewing the site. I called him immediately and was very upset.  He said, "so we're over right." I couldn't just cut myself off from him at that time and told him I would need some assurance to move forward and we agreed to stay together.  

But, he continued to fish around online, and kept lying to me. I wanted to break up because I felt a lack of trust but I couldn't find the resolve.  I would get very upset and cry, I would go away; He would come back; and I would go with him again.  One night I was upset and drank some wine, then had a fight with him, he asked me to leave while intoxicated and I got a DUI I spent 45 days in jail. He dated other women while I was in jail.  I feel crazy with him, but I don't want to be alone.  I am in my fifties. I asked him to go into counseling with me but he didn't want to.

What type of advise or reading material would you recommend for healing and potentially working this out or moving on in life?

Dear Reader:

It sounds like your guy likes the chase, and isn't really into a serious relationship. You can see how harmful it is for you to keep hanging on to this relationship. He just wants fun, nothing serious: and he won't be there when you need him (for example, when you're sick or in trouble.) You can see, when you back off, he comes forward. He likes to be in pursuit, but he doesn't like the responsibility that comes with a commitment, so as soon as you become committed to him, he runs.

To have a real relationship, you need a different kind of guy. Don't look for the surface stuff.  Handsome is as handsome does. Find a guy with character, which you're more likely to find out if you are socially involved with him before you are personally involved with him. Don't be too easily available. 

This is pure Narcissism on the man's part, coupled with insecurity that he won't find his "Ms. right." (Yes, Narcissists are insecure) It's linked to a fear of commitment, but even more to a view of women as "sources of narcissistic supply" -- women as ego-gratification. That's why no one woman is enough.

These men regard women as possessions, trophies, not as people. The man is only looking from  his own point of view and has no empathy or real capacity for love or commitment. 

If you're looking for a commitment, avoid these men at all costs. It's OK to date more than one man until you find one who is as willing to commit to you as you are to him. Keep looking around until you find a "keeper." With some online dating sites, men get the impression that the supply of women is endless, and they don't have to earn a relationship. Instead, get socially active in groups and clubs, classes and sports, and meet people face to face. You're more likely to be able to tell the difference between a good guy and a good advertiser.

"Couples Can Cooperate for Success"
  will show you a different kind of couple model. "
Your Primary Relationship"
  will help you change your attitude toward yourself,
"Creating Unconditional Love" 
  demonstrates how healthy couples interact, and 
 "Less Talk, More Action"
 will help you see how to handle guys like yours.  Let go, move on, and you'll be a happier woman.

The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty

will help you rethink your life and create more happiness for yourself, and

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today

The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty k



For low-cost phone counseling, email me at

Author's Bio: 

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 30 years experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 13 books in 17 languages, including It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again; Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage, The Commuter Marriage, and her newest, Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences. She writes the “Dr. Romance” blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter.