Dear Dr. Romance: He Was Never That Into Me

Dear Dr. Romance:

I divorced my best friend of 13 years this past January. I'm having a hard time moving on... Let me very clear...over the past 13 years of our marriage..we were never sexually compatible...he was never that into me...I had an affair and I am still seeing that 'guy'... I do not want to give up my friendship w/ my ex... It's really affecting me...emotionally... Any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated...

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry you're having a hard time.  Who says you have to give up your friendship with your ex? It sounds like it was always a friendship, not much of a marriage.  Is your current partner jealous (it's pretty standard not to trust someone who was cheating on her husband)? Or does the ex not want to be friends? 

Either way, the best way to go about being friends with an ex is to include the new partner in the friendship. This may be difficult, since your new partnership was an affair.  I'd suggest you talk frankly with both men, if that's possible, and see if you can work out a situation with boundaries that control the problems.  For example, promise (and mean it) your new partner that you won't be alone with the ex in private, only in public.  That way, you can go to lunch, but not be together in tempting situations, or scenarios that would make your partner jealous. 

Find out what was wrong with your sexual relationship with your ex.  Thirteen years is a long time to be married without sex.  Is he gay?  Maybe he has friends on the side, too.  op trying to guess what each man is thinking, and ask them.

"Asking for What You Want" will help you clear up the mysteries here by talking to both men; and "Handling The Green-Eyed Monster" will help you understand jealousy and what to do about it  

Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences contains exercises, information, and dialogs you can use with both your men to understand your relationships better.   

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com