Dealing With A Selfish Husband: Selfish Behavior In Marriage

Relationships: Tips to Recognize if your Partner is Emotionally Abusive

Ever look around at who stays married, and who doesn't? Overweight people far outnumber the thin and beautiful in successful marriages. The svelte and attractive get far more dates, but don't seem as able to close the deal. Perhaps it's because the thicker daters aren't as narcissistic, or maybe they just settle for less.

On the other hand, maybe they're built for comfort. I suspect they're just focused more on things other than their own appearance, and that turns out to be an asset in relationships. I think the expectations and the ways they connect with others is a factor, too. Perhaps the unlovely have an easier time believing they're loved for themselves, rather than for their looks.

Many modern brides get focused on the "production" of the wedding, seeing it more as a theatrical event than an emotional/spiritual experience. This leads to a narcissistic outlook (it's all about me looking perfect, getting exactly what I want) rather than a healthier focus on the spiritual import (it's a blessing on the future of the couple) and the happiness of your spouse, friends and family -- ideally, it's an opportunity for members of the new "family" of in-laws and friends to get acquainted, to bond, and to support the happy couple.

The drive to get everything "picture perfect" raises the stress level (the fainting bride was suffering from exhaustion and stress) and tends to create power struggles between bride and groom, mother and bride, mother-in-law and bride, and even the bride's parents can be talked into spending much more than they can afford which leads to arguments between that couple.

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The problem that I find with my struggling couples is the narcissistic concept they hold of romantic love. They believe it is something they are entitled to feel based on the devoted actions of their partner to their needs. I often hear the complaint "but I'm just not in love with him/her any more" and that one of the couples has "outgrown" the other or has become bored.

In working with them I see the need to get each one out of their self-centered orientation and focused on what each of them is contributing (or not) to the health of the relationship. To expect that rush we first felt in early relationship years is unrealistic. Couples need to learn to accept the individual responsibility for their own internal growth and stability so that they bring something to the partnership, and that participation is what feeds intimacy, appreciation, acceptance and love. When these components are present in a relationship there is an ongoing bond that tolerates the ebbs and flows of long-term attachment without the expectation that the other person is responsible for the "romance" in their lives.

I am convinced that the term "romance" is interchanged, incorrectly, with excitement and passion. It is very hard for members of our instant gratification society to accept that these feeling of excitement and passion have to begin internally within each individual based on how they are giving to themselves and their partners. Obsession with looks is definitely a problem in our society, and it shows us to be increasingly immature and insecure. We also must be too wealthy for our own good, if we can spend these millions on vanity.

The obsession with makeovers is media-driven and shows an inability to think for oneself or to accept oneself as is. While plastic surgery is a true blessing for someone with a real problem and learning to "dress for success" may be helpful to the wardrobe impaired, it is definitely overblown to the point that people who otherwise would be perfectly acceptable are making drastic, artificial changes.

What does a cosmetic redone nose or an enhanced bustline say about you? It says you're narcissistic, willing to use and be used by others for narcissistic needs, and in doubt about your own self-worth. It says nothing good about the content of your character. Outside of the entertainment industry, it's actually the average-looking people who succeed, isn't it? They have the good, long-lasting marriages, the business success, the stamina to create a good life. This is because they've learned to look beneath the surface, and they're not looking for instant answers.

Women need to keep in mind that different habits indicate men's character differences. Lack of sexual confidence could be great if you want marriage or a long-term relationship, because it indicates someone without a lot of experience -- this is not a player, he's probably a more emotionally vulnerable man, which means he's more open to love.

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Sexual confidence is great, on the other hand, if you're into sport sex and don't have any need for commitment -- because men who are sexually confident usually have a lot of experience, and are often highly non-monogamous. A man with lots of charm, who says exactly what you want to hear, may be dishonest and narcissistic.

What about the man who is mistakenly confident -- that is, he's sure he's great, but your experience is, he's a sexual dud? This man is most likely self-involved and doesn't have much empathy or concern for others. His braggadocio may conceal a very wounded soul, along with an alcohol, drug or gambling problem. He lacks impulse control and a sense of responsibility, because he's a narcissist. That means that emotionally, he's stuck at the narcissistic stage children go through about 2-years old. So, you're a mom dealing with an emotional two-year old in a grownup body. The only thing you can do is get tough. You and your children are in danger.

You're taking the easy way out and making excuses so you won't have to handle this problem, which will make the problem worse. You need to put your foot down right now. Find friends or family you can stay with, or locate a woman's shelter. Make sure a friend or family member is available immediately if you need help, then tell him that you'll leave him if he doesn't go to AA and to an anger management group. If you allow him to continue this behavior, you risk losing your children. When he gets angry and acts out, it is harmful not only to you, but to your children.

Child Protective Services can come in an take them if you won't protect them from his abuse. To develop conscience in people with these problems, behavioral training is necessary. Essentially, you treat them as children, regulate all their behavior with reward and punishment, and force them to use self-control to behave within the rules. Then, you teach them about ethics and morality, and give them exercises to develop these capabilities.

Here are tips to consider when you're in a relationship with a partner who is a narcissist.

1. Take care of yourself.

That is, think before you do anything about whether it will be a good move for you or not.

2: Don't participate if it's not working for you.

That is, if you're at a party, and being ignored, just leave quietly. He'll get the message. If you're at home, and not being treated well, go to another room, go out, or phone a friend. Don't just sit around and take it.

3. Find some things to do that are happy and healthy for you.

Fill up your own time and don't waste it on people who don't really care. Start taking responsibility for making yourself happy, don't rely on him, and you'll feel more grown up, less adolescent. It's a learning process, so give yourself some time.

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Thousands today are looking for marriage problems help.

The divorce rate is sky-rocketing, leaving broken hearts in its wake and the children as victims with no idea of what a healthy marriage relationship is. Then this vicious cycle perpetuates itself into the next generation. This is a recent and destructive pattern that you and your children do not have to be a victim of!

Back in the late 40s and 50s, when I was a youngster, divorce was seldom heard of. Why? They followed some very basic healthy-relationship principles that, if you put into practice will help your marriage too. I guarantee it!

How can I guarantee such a thing? My wife and I are happily married and still in love after 44 years of marriage. These are the very same principles that we live by AND THEY WORK!

Forget about all the self-centered and sex-focused ideas of what the movie industry is portraying love as. Real love has nothing to do with that gushy feeling that you get in the first months of that relationship with the one you "love." That kind of love fizzles at the slightest whim and can be shifted from person to person without a twinge of conscience.

That's why Hollywood has a history of infidelity and divorce, which now has contaminated our society. Hollywood's kind of love has no commitment or sacrifice to it. Hollywood's kind of love is focused on what I can get and on beautiful looks and bodies.

What happens when the body changes or someone with better looks comes along? Adios!

Wouldn't you rather give and receive love that says, "I love you because you are you, and I am committed to you through thick and thin?" Wouldn't you rather have and give a love that does not change when things get tough. Wouldn't you rather have a love that says, "It's you and me sweetheart...I am committed you and to meet your needs for the rest of our lives, because I LOVE YOU!"

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The following marriage problems help principles work best if both you and your spouse are involved. But if that is not possible, apply them on your own. I have seen many individuals save their marriage because they were willing to be the ones who started the process.

So what are some of the principles that create this king of love?

Put Your Spouse Before Yourself

Calm down, calm down, and hear me out. I know is a strange thought to many people, but it works. You do want me to give you marriage problems help that will work, right? Selfish marriages will never work!

However, when you have two people who will commit to making the other person happy at their own expense, the magic happens. Both person's needs are being met by the other person. This does wonderful thing to the heart. A strange thing feeling comes over you. You both start feeling loved!

Show Your Love

Real love is not a feeling. Feeling loved is the result of being loved. Real love can be seen. Real love is as tangible as a bouquet of flowers or a husband's favorite meal. Real love is a choice to sacrifice your time and comfort for the good of your spouse.

When you are loved like this, you know you are loved. Each time I open the door for my wife, I am saying, "I love you." Each time my wife gets me a cup of coffee, she is saying, "I love you."

Oh, how I hope you get this! This principle is a must for a happy, lasting marriage.

Verbalize Your Love

I put "verbalize your love" last for a reason. If your spouse doesn't feel important to you and if you don't show that you love your spouse, your "I love you's" will be hollow and resented. However, once you have been showing your spouse that you really love them, the "I love you's" are sweet and meaningful.

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Many couples with a devout belief in God find that they are having troubles that they can't solve on their own. Simply praying doesn't always seem to come up with the answers that you need so it's important to keep all options open. While praying is truly an invaluable tool when trying to saving your marriage, you want to have as many options as you can when it comes to improving your marriage and getting back to where you used to be when you first got married.

With help from God you can begin to start healing as individuals and your relationship as well. Many Christian couples have tried counseling and seem to get nowhere at someone else's hands. This is why it is so important to trust in God and that he will bring you through this hard time. Chances are that one of the reasons you married the person you are with because you both share a strong set of beliefs in God, so let that be what brings you together. Let praying and religion be your salvation when you find yourself wading through difficult times.

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So many marriages today end in divorce because people don't have that essential core of beliefs that has the potential to solve almost any problems and heal whatever needs healing in your life. Going to church together and praying is a great idea that will bring you closer to your partner and help in the process of saving your marriage. Talking to each other about how you feel is another good idea that will show that you care and want to help each other. By communicating your feelings you are opening yourselves up to God's divine plan and keeping that sacred promise you made to your partner to honor and cherish them till death do you part.

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