One would think that connecting with our partner is an easy feat. After all they are the one person we are supposed to be the most intimate with. This is most often not the case and we are actually not that intimate. I find that couples have a very difficult time connecting, feeling connected and staying connected, and their efforts at connecting sometimes create even more distance between them. It doesn’t have to be this way.

First, we need to become aware of some of the ways we sabotage our attempts to connect and set ourselves up to be disconnected:

1. Being too busy
2. Placing our partner down on the priority list
3. Allowing other people and things to eat up our time and energy
4. Dismissing our partner’s attempt at closeness
5. Giving our partner negative attention and criticism
6. Setting up interactions and situations that typically annoy or hurt our partner
7. Withdrawing attention and affection
8. Demanding closeness, attention and caring
9. Being right all the time and seeing only our perspective
10. Playing the victim card

Then, we can start doing things differently. We can change how we set up interactions, respond to our partner, approach our partner and generally organize ourselves so we create space to connect. Note that as you attempt to implement changes to your non-connecting-habits, you will find yourself and your partner resisting and undermining the changes – even if you both want to really connect! Don’t trick yourself into thinking only you want to connect – your partner does too even if you can’t see it!

Connecting is scary – we are not used to being in real connection. We crave it and at the same time we fear it. Don’t let this stop you. Practice makes perfect. Ease yourselves into it. Eventually you become experts making sure you safe guard your connection, nurturing it and enjoying it!

From this connected place we feel gotten, understood, accepted, valued, respected, admired, wanted, and cherished. We mutually build ourselves up. We become whole. We grow up. We heal. Our self-esteem soars. We no longer just complement each other. We are now two wholes ready to collaborate. We are full of potential and might. We enhance and bring out the best in each other. We synergize and are ready to take on any old project we so choose to take on!!

Happy Connecting and Creating!!

Author's Bio: 

About Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT (Metropolitan MFT)
I'm the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC (Metropolitan MFT), a private psychotherapy practice specializing in working with couples. I help couples succeed at their relationship by assisting them get on the same page and deeply understand each other, repair hurts, create intimacy, stay connected, share passion, and tap into their synergy. I specialize in pre-marital, codependence, reactivity / anger, and infidelity work.