It could be said that it will be normal for someone to want to talk to their parent or parents about what happened, if they were to see that they were mistreated by them during their formative years. They might want to know why they treated them in this way and for them to express remorse, among other things.

But, although this is what they hope will take place, it doesn’t mean that it will take place. Ultimately, this is something that is likely to largely depend on how mentally and emotionally healthy their parent or parents are.

One Outcome

Now, assuming that it was one parent who mistreated them and this parent is not in a bad way internally, they might be able to receive the validation and support that they desire. This parent could be deeply sorry for what happened and, while not using this to justify their behaviour, talk about why they behaved as they did.

What this will do is allow them to gradually see that while this person is their parent, they are still a flawed human being that is not perfect. They are then not an all-knowing, all-seeing god.

Part of it

In addition to the conversations and reparative experiences that they have together, this can be coupled with the work that they do with a therapist or healer, for instance. There is even the chance that their parent will join them during some if not all of their sessions.

Having their parent on board could be seen as the ideal scenario as they will have more support and experience less conflict. However, someone may find that it is not possible for their parent to be there for them.

Another Experience

After opening up to this parent, they might not have been able to make much headway. So, they might have been told they were not mistreated, that they are making things up and they might have been seen as a nuisance.

Based on their parent’s response, it can be as though they were opening up about a time when they didn’t get something they wanted one Christmas and are acting like an ungrateful child, as opposed to someone who was deeply wounded in a variety of different throughout their early years. After this has happened, they could feel angry and frustrated and end up feeling guilty and ashamed and feel helpless.

Self Doubt

Before long, they could start to question themselves, with them wondering if what they remember actually happened. If this does happen, there is a strong chance that it is not the first time that their reality has been dismissed.

This might have been something that took place during their early years, with their needs and feelings typically being overlooked. If this is the case, what has taken place will simply be a continuation of what happened all those years ago.

Another Go

This doesn’t mean that this response will deter them, though, as they could soon try to get through to them again. Once again, the same thing could happen all over again and they could have a very similar mental and emotional experience after.

As the days, weeks and years go by; they might end up trying to get through to them hundreds if not thousands of times. However, this is not to say that this is something that will always take place directly.

For example

In addition to talking to them about what happened, they could also try to get through to them by doing things for them, buying them things and being there for them. Deep down, they can hope that this will finally cause them to change.

After struggling to get through to them for a long time they might arrive at a stage when it is clear, at a mental level, that they are not going to be able to get through to them and, for them to have a relationship with them, they have to lose part of themselves and play a role. Most likely, this will have been how they had to be when they were younger.


But, even though part of them could realise that they are speaking to a brick wall and that this parent is not mentally and emotionally healthy enough to face reality, they want wont to let go at an emotional level. To this part of them, receiving this parent’s validation and love can be seen as being essential for their survival.

Therefore, it is not something that they can just let go of; it is something that they need to attain. The trouble is that this need is going to chain them to this parent, with this parent being in control of both their well-being and their life.

An Illusion

One will then be an adult, but, just as when they were a child, this parent will be in control of them. But, as they are now an adult, they don’t have to experience life in this way; there is another option.

The truth is that they don’t need this parent’s acknowledgement or love to be able to survive or move forward. Yet, as they are carrying pain and unmet developmental needs, this will appear to be the case.

Drawing the line

With this in mind, in order for them to liberate themselves, they will need to work through this pain and experience these unmet developmental needs. This is what will allow them to gradually let go of the need for this parent to see them, love them and validate what they went through.


If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, inner child and inner awareness. With over three thousand, two hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

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