Even though someone was mistreated during their formative years, it doesn’t mean that they will be able to acknowledge this. This can mean that they won’t talk about what happened or they could often talk about some of the things that happened.

But, if they do talk about some of the things that happened, they could talk about it in a very matter-of-fact way. Along with this, they could say that it was for their own good or words to that effect.

A Strange Scenario

If so, it will be as if they are talking about something that happened to someone else and that their parent or parents behaved in this way to mould them into a well-functioning and capable adult. From this, it will be clear that it is not possible for them to see clearly.

Furthermore, if another person were to point out that they were treated badly; this could soon be met with denial. After this, this person could end up being accused of having something against their parent or parents.

A Brick Wall

Based on how they behave, it will seem as though they are simply choosing to block out reality. However, while this can seem to be the case, there is likely to be far more to it

Most likely, their brain is stopping them from being able to face reality, due to how painful it would be for them to do so. This is then not something that they are consciously choosing to do.

Too Much

What this illustrates is that self-deception is a key part of what allows someone to keep it together and function. If their brain wasn’t able to keep their pain at bay and they were unable to deceive themselves, they would fall apart.

The trouble is that while their brain will do this, the impact that their early years had on them is unlikely to be completely hidden. The pain and the developmental needs that were not met and were repressed throughout this time will probably affect them in a variety of different ways.

The Symptoms

For example, they could spend a lot of time in an emotionally shut down state, with their feelings typically being a mystery. This is likely to mean that they will spend a lot of time feeling down and depressed.

At other moments, they could suffer from anxiety, finding it hard to feel calm and centred. Feeling good about themselves could also be a challenge, with them often feeling low and having a strong critical voice.

A Secondary Defence

But, as how they experience life is likely to just be what is normal, it might not be something that they are consciously aware of. Still, this is not to say that they won’t have a number of ways to manage the impact that all their pain and unmet developmental needs are having on their conscious mind and perhaps body.

They can spend a lot of time working, doing what they can to please others, exercising, eating and/or drinking, for instance. Whatever it is that they do, to stop input from other areas of their brain from entering their conscious awareness, it can be something that happens without them needing to think about it.

One Approach

And, if their brain’s ability to repress pain and these secondary defences were no longer as effective, they could reach out to their doctor. During this time, they could talk about how they suffer from depression and anxiety.

Yet, instead of this being a time when their history will be explored, it can be a time when they will end up being put on medication and/or being told that their ‘negative’ thoughts are the issue. Consequently, the repressed material that is trying to break through to their conscious awareness will soon be pushed back down and more defences will be built and, thereby, allow them to continue to live in denial and on the surface of themselves.

The other Side

If this was to take place, they could end up going their whole life without ever reconnecting to their true self and facing up to the fact that they were mistreated. This would be different, of course, if they lived in a society that encouraged people to reconnect to their true selves and to work through their pain but they are likely to live in a society that is largely an unconscious manifestation of the need to avoid pain.

Therefore, even if they are not surrounded by people who are disconnected from themselves and are unconsciously colluding with them to stay unconscious, the people who they reach out to, such as doctors and therapists, who are in the same position, will help them to avoid themselves. If they do stay this way until their last breath, then, it won’t be a surprise.

A Brutal Time

With this aside, what this shows is that although they are now an adult, as opposed to a powerless and dependent child, they feel safe or strong enough to face how they feel. To be harmed by their own parent or parents would have been too much for them to handle then and it will be seen as being too much for them to handle now.

At this stage of their life, along with losing touch with their feelings and a number of their needs, they had to block out reality; it was simply too much for them to accept what their parent or parents were actually like. A big part of them won’t have moved on, and, this is why, keeping what is going on for them at bay and avoiding reality will still be seen as the only way for them to survive.


If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, enmeshment, inner child, true self and inner awareness. With over three thousand, two hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

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