If someone wasn’t cherished during their formative years, it doesn’t mean that they will be consciously aware of this. But, if they were able to take a step back and reflect on how they experience life, what might soon stand out is that they are not in a good way mentally and emotionally.

Still, without an understanding of what their early years were like, they can believe that this is because they don’t value themselves and suffer from depression, for instance. What can also play a part in why they would come to this conclusion is that they could believe that their childhood wasn’t that bad.


For example, they could say that they were not always treated well but that it was ‘for their own good’ and that their parent or parents did the best that they could. As far as they are concerned, this can be seen as the truth.

Yet, this view will largely be a consequence of the meaning that they made during a stage of their life when they were powerless and totally dependent. At this stage, they wouldn’t have been able to face what was going on; it would have been too much for them to handle.

A False View

Therefore, to keep it together and function, they had to block out reality and what their parents were like. What would have replaced what was going on was the view that their parent or parents were good and they were bad.

What this would have also done is given them the hope, the false hope, that if they did the right things and became who they wanted them to be, they would be loved. This would have set them up to struggle for something that wasn’t available.

No Different

Many, many years will have passed since this stage of their life, but as a big part of them won’t have moved on from this stage of their life, they will still have the need to block out what happened. This won’t be something that they are consciously aware of, though.

What this illustrates is that even though this stage of their life is well and truly behind them, the impact that it had on them is still defining their life. At a deeper level, they are likely to fear that if they face up to what happened, it would be too much for them to handle.

Old Wounds

As a child, if they had accepted that their parent or parents couldn’t love them and were harming them, they would have been overwhelmed by fear and pain. They are also likely to have felt so helpless that they might have died.

So, their brain had to block out what was going on for them to ensure their survival. If then, they were to face up to what happened, they are likely to feel like a petrified, powerless, rejected, and abandoned child.

A Gradual Process

Taking this into account, it is to be expected that the view that they have of this stage of their life is not very accurate. For this to change, they will need to start working through the pain that this caused them.

As this takes place, the ability to see this stage of their life clearly will gradually improve. But, if they are carrying a lot of pain, they might end up being forced to face up to what happened.

A Catalyst

For example, after a breakup, the loss of a loved one or a job loss, their inner defences could start to break down. Consequently, the pain that was kept at bay by their brain will start to seep into their couscous mind.

At this point, they could also start to remember some of the things that took place during their childhood. There can be memories that relate to when they were put down, humiliated, hit and isolated, among other things.

Putting the Puzzle Together

After a while, what could occur to them is that as they were often treated so badly, it is not a surprise that they have found it hard to be at peace and feel good, worthy and lovable, for instance. They could soon find out that as they were egocentric, this caused them to take everything personally.

Therefore, not only did this give them the false hope that they could change what was going on but this also stopped them from being able to see how cruel their parent or parents often were. Before long, they could wonder why their parent or parents were so cold and unloving.

What was this?

Ultimately, they would have been their parent or parent’s child and yet, they would have been treated like dirt and an intruder. This is similar to how someone’s body attacks itself when they have an autoimmune disease.

When this happens, it shows that something was not right; if this wasn’t the case, a parent or parents wouldn’t have continually harmed their child. Most likely, it was possible for them to see their child clearly, due to what they were projecting into them.

A Closer Look

Instead of being able to see their child clearly, then, they would have seen them as bad, worthless and unlovable. This was thanks to what they had unconsciously placed into them, with this being a reflection of what they had repressed and disowned within themselves.

In all likelihood, they had also been greatly harmed during their childhood, which caused them to lose touch with their own humanity and become an unfeeling person or people. The truth, then, is that how they were treated was not a reflection of their worth or lovability; it was a sign of how damaged their parent or parents were.


If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis cover all aspects of human transformation; including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, enmeshment, inner child, true self and inner awareness. With over three thousand, six hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

Feel free to join the Facebook Group -