What someone could struggle to get their head around, if they were abused as a child, is why their parent treated them in this way. The person who was supposed to love and cherish them wouldn’t have done so.

If they had been harmed by someone at school or a stranger, for instance, it would probably be easier for them to come to terms with what happened. First, this person wouldn’t have lived with them and, second, they would have been able to talk to their parent or parents about what was going on.


However, as it was not only someone who they lived with but their own parent who was harming them, they may as well have been living in the middle of nowhere and by themselves. This would have been a time when they were deeply alone.

And, even if their other parent lived with them and this parent wasn’t harming them, they might have been too beaten down to do anything. Therefore, although this parent was an adult and was far more capable, they would have been in a similar position.

Another Factor

Also, as they were powerless and totally dependent and would have been filled with fear as a result of what was going on, even if they had known at this age that they were being abused, they are unlikely to have done anything. Talking to another person about what was going on would have been seen as too much of a risk.

At the same time, that’s not to say that they didn’t know that something wasn’t right at this stage; no, what it means is that they wouldn’t have consciously understood that they were being abused. This is partly due to their intellect having been underdeveloped and partly due to what they were going through having been normal.

Looking for an answer

Thanks to being brought up in an environment where abuse was normal and personalising what took place due to being egocentric, for them to have realised that they were abused will be an achievement. From here, they will be able to gradually heal the damage that was done.

If they are struggling to get their head around what happened, though, they might not be able to attain the answers that they are looking for from their parent. Assuming that this parent is still alive, then, they could deny just about everything and make out that their adult child is making everything up.

A Barrier

From this, it will be clear that this parent is not willing to face up to how they behaved all those years ago. Based on how they behave, it will be as if they are being accused of a crime that they haven’t committed.

Instead of displaying empathy and remorse, then, they will be indifferent and cold. Still, as strange as their behaviour can appear to be, there is a strong chance that they are not consciously choosing to be this way.

A Defence

In all likelihood, they are carrying a lot of pain and blocking out reality is the only way that they are able to keep it together and function. With this in mind, while it will seem as though they are doing their best to undermine them; in reality, they are behaving in this way to stop themselves from falling apart.

Going Deeper

If they come across as strong, this will be nothing more than an illusion. When it comes to the pain that they are likely to be carrying, it will relate to what they have experienced as an adult and during their early years.

And, when it comes to what has had the biggest impact on them, it is likely to be what they experienced as a child. This is likely to have been a stage of their life when they were mistreated by their parent and perhaps others.

In The Beginning

Hoverer, as this was a stage when they were powerless and totally dependent, they wouldn’t have been able to do anything about what was going on or to find another family. The outcome of this is that how they felt and their developmental needs would have automatically been repressed and they would have lost touch with reality.

Facing up to what was actually going on would have been too much for them to handle. This would have involved them believing that there was something inherently wrong with them and, if they tried hard enough, they would be loved.

The Next Stage

The years would have passed but what they had repressed wouldn’t have simply disappeared. Consequently, once they became a parent, what was held deep inside them would have been unconsciously projected into their child.

As this was a being that wasn’t a threat to them, they would have felt more relaxed around them and this would have loosened their defences, making it easier for the parts of them that were hidden around other adults to be expressed. So, the anger, rage and hate that they didn’t feel comfortable expressing around their parent and had to swallow would have been directed at their child.

Two Levels

This parent may have even justified how they were behaving, with them being completely oblivious to the fact that they were not seeing their child clearly and were holding them accountable for what their parent did to them not merely a fear years ago but decades ago. Another part of this is that as they were deprived of the love that they needed they would have also deprived their child of the love that they needed.

While this may have partly been a way for them to get their own back on the parent/parents that they projected onto their child, it would have also been a consequence of the fact that they didn’t have the love to give. What this shows is how much of an effect the material that was held inside their unconscious mind had on how they behaved.

Drawing the Line

Considering this, it would have been one parent who mistreated them but this parent would have been anything but an integrated human being. Like a bucket containing toxic waste with holes in it, this parent would have been leaking their toxicity all over their child and perhaps others.

Yet, as they were out of touch with themselves, they wouldn’t have been aware of what was going on or the damage that they were doing. Thus, expecting them to be able to remember what took place will be similar to expecting someone who is high on drugs to remember what they had been doing.


If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, enmeshment, inner child, true self and inner awareness. With over three thousand, two hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

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