There are those that are in tune with their need to be loved and those that are not. When someone is not in tune with this need, they might have been this way for most if not all of their life.

As a result of this, they won’t be in tune with this need and this will be something that they are not aware of. But, even if this is the case, it doesn’t mean that this need won’t have an effect on their life.


From outside of their conscious awareness, it will exert its influence in one way or another. So, one thing that it can do is cause them to have a very high sex drive and or to be a workaholic.

On one level, these can be seen as things that have absolutely no connection to the need to be loved. However, on another level, they will be examples of how their need to be loved will have been redirected.

A New Direction

Behind their need to have a lot of sex and their need to work so much, assuming that they are in this position, then, will be their need to be loved. If this was put forward to them, they could dismiss what is said.

They could say that sex is enough for them and that they don’t want more and that they enjoy working. And, due to how hidden their need for love is, it is to be expected that they would respond in this way.

The Driving Force

They won’t have access to what is driving their behaviour, so there will be no reason for them to say anything else. What is taking place in their mind will be seen as what is driving their behaviour.

They are then going to be controlled by a part of them that they don’t even realise exists. A number of the people in their life could also be in a similar position, which will help to strengthen their view that how they are behaving is normal.

A Struggle

Nonetheless, there could come a point in time when they no longer want to behave in this way, with them simply not having the desire or the energy to do so. Along with this, they could come into contact with the need to be in a relationship and spend more time doing things that are not work-related.

Still, a big part of them could still want to behave in the same way and this is going to lead to inner conflict. Behaving in a way that is not truly serving them is then going to be what primarily feels comfortable.

A Deeper Look

What might enter their mind is why they haven’t been in tune with their need to be loved and why this need has been channelled into other needs. When they have sex, this will give them the sense that they are being loved.

They will experience human contact but they won’t truly be seen by the other person and it won’t last. As for when they work, this will probably allow them to receive a fair amount of approval from others and to feel seen.

A Poor Replacement

When it comes to them being loved, this will relate to them being seen and heard, held, touched, and valued. This is not going to take place purely by having sex or by working hard.

The only thing that it is likely to do is to allow them to release tension and help to keep their need for love at bay. At this stage, they could wonder why they have been able to meet this need directly as opposed to trying to unconsciously meet it indirectly.

What’s going on?

If they were to think about expressing this need directly, they might soon feel deeply uncomfortable. It could be as though something bad will happen to them and they will end up being rejected and abandoned.

What this is likely to show is that their early years were not very nurturing, with this being a time when they were often abused and neglected. By being treated in this way, it wouldn’t have been safe for them to express their need to be loved and be vulnerable, and, even if they did, it probably wouldn’t have been met.

One option

To handle what was going on, their brain would have automatically repressed a number of their needs and the pain that they experienced by not having these needs met. This would have caused them to lose touch with themselves and create a disconnected false self.

From this moment onwards, they are likely to have done a number of things in order to try to be loved. This might have meant they got good grades, were well behaved and were helpful.

A New Experience

But, no matter what they unconsciously did to try to be loved, it wouldn’t have allowed this to take place. As they were not loved and were deeply wounded, they are likely to carry a lot of pain.

Physically and mentally they will have grown, but their emotional self is likely to be in an underdeveloped state. Facing this pain and experiencing their unmet development needs will play a big part in what will stop them from trying to receive the love that they missed out on as a child and be able to receive the love that they can receive as an adult.


If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, inner child and inner awareness. With over three thousand, two hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

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