I define chemistry as “the feeling or desire that compels you, when in the presence of a particular person, to want to please them, touch them, and make them happy.” That’s it!

Too many singles associate chemistry with the desperate feelings, longing, and compulsive thoughts that are actually a common sign of insecure attachments or addictive, abusive, or manipulative relationships.

If you think that chemistry is something you should feel all the time, that the person should be on your mind all the time, that your desire to be with them should be intense and constant, and that your fear of living without them should compel you to tears, you will only find yourself in dramatic, intense, and unstable relationships that are prone to extreme emotional upheaval.

I experienced this type of chemistry many years ago and found that, actually, the highs were only high in contrast to the extreme lows. The emotional highs and intense moments of love and affection were no higher than normal relationships, but when coming out of another episode of neglect, verbal abuse, or threat of abandonment, the attention and affection I got seemed dramatically fulfilling and was addictive. I was always afraid of losing this intense connection, and for good reason, since the highs were getting lower (as were the lows), and so I was constantly consumed with thoughts of the relationship.

It was so difficult to pull myself out of this relationship that when I created my top-ten list prior to meeting my husband (click here to learn more: http://itsyourtechnique.com/2010/05/21/how-to-create-your-top-ten-list/), I absolutely refused to put chemistry on my list. I felt it had betrayed me.

Fortunately, when I met my husband, the chemistry was there anyway. This time I noticed that the chemistry was not compulsive or consuming. I felt the intense spikes of desire to touch him but usually only when I was with him. When I was away from him, I had fond feelings and a desire to see him again, but (after the first few weeks of initial excitement about the new relationship) I was content to see him every few days rather than feeling a desperate need to see him every day. I found it easy to continue my work, relationships, and other associations. I also felt that I would be okay without him and that he was not my only chance for happiness.

This is not to say that I didn’t want to be with him. I enjoyed the relationship and felt no desire to end it. I just didn’t feel a compulsive need for him to validate me and my worth all the time. He made me feel safe and secure with myself, with him, and with our relationship so that I could easily live my life and enjoy it. He made my life better rather than making my life revolve around him.

Each time he would call me, come to my house, or I’d run into him while shopping, the emotions would take over, a smile would come to my face, and BAM, I couldn’t help but want to be with him or touch him. But then I could go back to my life.

To say these feelings were constant would be wrong. There were many times when I would be with him and I would feel just common or mundane feelings, but, consistently and predictably, the feelings would stir here and there again, and they still do to this day. I can be walking downstairs simply to get a drink when I see him across the room, and before long I find myself scratching his back, acting flirtatious, or finding it difficult to pull myself away and go back to work.

Thus, a healthy chemistry is one you experience when in the presence of the other person. It’s not compulsive, addictive, or consuming. It enhances the relationship and makes physical contact desirable. It’s not the stupid or compelling examples that so many TV shows, books, and movies portray of two lovers throwing away everything they have worked hard for in their lives (their families, careers, values, children, and money) to be together. Only the abusive and manipulative would be okay with such reckless and destructive forms of love. It’s important that you understand the difference.

I hope this helps you as you sort out the differences between healthy chemistry and compulsive, addictive relationships. Chemistry is critical to a successful relationship and something I recommend everyone look for, but you need to be able to tell the difference between the two, or you could end up in a world of pain.

Good luck,

Alisa Goodwin Snell,
http://ItsNotYou-ItsYourTechnique.com

Author's Bio: 

Alisa Goodwin Snell is a dating coach like none other. With sixteen years of experience as a licensed marriage and family therapist, she knows what singles need to do (and not do) to find success (and to avoid disaster).

Alisa has been a frequent guest on television programs, including Good Morning America NOW, ABC4, KUTV, KSL, and KJZZ and has been interviewed on radio programs such as Good Morning America Radio, Family Net Radio, The Mark and Brian Show, and more. Click here to view or listen to these interviews: http://itsyourtechnique.com/about-utahs-dating-coach/#tv.

Alisa is the author of Dating Game Secrets for Marrying a Good Man and writes weekly dating advice and blogs for singles at http://ItsNotYou-ItsYourTechnique.com.