Can You Help a Friend of Yours who Always “Falls” for the Wrong Man?

It is very likely that you have a friend who always “falls” for the wrong guy. Everybody sees it, except her. You feel sorry for her; you wish you can help her. You even try to show her the “facts”, explain to her how she hurts herself; “predict” the miserable future she’ll have. After all, she has been falling for the wrong man time and again…

But all in vain: she is sure that “this time it won’t happen!”; that “you don’t know what you’re talking about”; that “you don’t know him at all”; that “I feel hurt that you don’t trust my judgement”, and so on and so forth.

So nothing that you say helps. She continues falling for the wrong man time and again. …

You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped

The problem is that often you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. Apparently there is something in your friend that drives her to fall for the wrong man: it is either something to do with her personality; or her being used to be controlled; or something that is related to her neediness and the deep rooted desire to be loved, which manipulative men sense and see her as an easy pry. Whatever it is, when the same story repeats itself over and over again there is actually nothing that you can do to help her. No “logic” can help here. She is determined to go on with the way she has been doing “relationships” no matter what.

Help doesn’t necessarily mean helping your friend make a change

As much as you wish that your friend will “come to her senses” and stop her self-sabotaging behavior, there is indeed nothing you can do to help her with the process. You might have given her ample advice, maybe have also recommended that she sees a therapist, but the refuses. Deep inside herself she might know something is wrong with the way she “falls in love” over and over again. But she is afraid to change, thinking to herself “who shall I be if I change”? She might even be scared that if she changes no man will be attracted to her any more. Now, she thinks, she has no problem attracting men. Here, doesn’t she always have “someone” by her side?

So she is willing to take abuse, be manipulated and eventually left, but at least she has someone, for a while.

She might be unaware of her own thinking. The only thing she knows is that men are now attracted to her and are willing to go out with her. And she feels she has a lot of love to offer; and she feels she knows how to satisfy them; and she is sure she is a great woman and a great lover who really takes care of “her men” - and therefore she always has a partner.

Is she driven by a huge fear of loneliness? Is she driven by a bottomless need to be loved? Does she operate based on low self-esteem? All these might be true. Yet, it doesn’t mean that she herself is aware of it.

You look at her from the side and see it all (or part of it), but talking it over with her time and again might not only not help her but ruin your friendship.

So all you can do is just continue be her friend.

Would she ever change? It is hard to know. Some people change with time, some not.

The best you can do at this point is observing yourself: Do you feel pity for her or compassion? Do you lose respect for her? Do you still love her as much as before? Do you contemplate whether it is still enjoyable for you to spend time with her? Is it difficult for you to listen to her stories about her relationship and eventual abuse? Is it difficult for you to not give her advice? Do you think she is stupid for not listening to your advice? And, maybe most important of all, does her situation make you think about your own relationships (or lack of)? Does it help you get in touch with whatever it is that you need to change about your own intimacy (or lack of)?

As you observe your friend, think over whatever changes you yourself may need to go through in your own life and relationships; or, for that matter, just feel content and blessed with whatever situation you are in.