Sometimes we feel stuck and hopeless. We look at our life and relationship and wonder, What happened? This is not what I set out to create. Somewhere along the way you lost your path, you lost your self. And now, you have no idea where you want to go and how to get yourself there. You might even blame your partner for the lack of progress in your life and relationship. You can’t get your partner to do what you want. Stop trying. It won’t work – you can’t tell others what to do; they are not responsible for your happiness.

If your life and relationship are not what you had dreamed they would be, you have nobody but yourself to blame. Your contribution determines the outcome. You invite what you get. You cocreate your reality. This is a hard pill to swallow, but take a real look at your situation. Own how you have contributed to the dissatisfying parts of your life. Take a good look at how you are holding your self back from where you want to be and from having the relationship you want to have.

It is very easy to make excuses for our shortcomings and to blame our circumstances and others for the dissatisfaction we experience. In fact it is so easy, that this is our default MO. We might wonder how could it be our fault that the relationship is not working, after all we do it all. It has to be our partner’s fault. They don’t put in half as much. It can’t be our fault that our life is not working. We had bad parenting. Nothing is our fault. We wait for our partner to make changes so that our relationship can be better, we wait for the economy to bounce back to make money again, we wait for tomorrow to start our diet or go back to gym, we wait for Hell to freeze over to have a life. Why are we disowning our self? Why are we giving our power away?

It is time to reclaim your self. It is time to show up in your relationship and your life. It is time to stop giving your power away and start using it to create the relationship and life you want. Yes, this is easier said than done, but not impossible. Get to it!

You can do this by:
1) Not reacting to your surroundings and the people in your life. Take a step back and gain perspective.

2) Monitor your feelings and moderate them to your situation – exaggerated or minimized feelings are reactive, not responsive, promoting more dissatisfaction.

3) Stop worrying about what your partner is doing or not doing, and focus on your investment instead.

4) Stop trying to please, doing always what is expected of you, caretaking for everyone, imposing unrealistic expectations on yourself and others, trying to be perfect, and worrying about others’ impressions of you.

5) Clearly express realistic expectations of others and allow them to meet them.

6) Appropriately communicate your needs and go about having them met.

7) Flexibly hold on to your views and convictions and carry yourself accordingly.

8) Don’t tell others how to feel, what to think or what to do – doing so takes their power away disabling them from bringing their authentic and beautiful self to you!

9) Let go of outcomes. Live and enjoy the moment.

10) Give from the heart – no strings attached.

Stop de-selfing your self, stop the co-dependency today. Own your self and start moving forward in your relationship and your life!

Happy Living!

Author's Bio: 

Emma K. Viglucci is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couples ™ programs and products that assist couples succeed at their relationship and life. To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive her weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: