But I Just Need Some Closure!

The grief you cry out from
draws you toward union.
Your pure sadness
that wants help
is the secret cup.
Rumi

One of the hardest things for someone going through a breakup is fighting those relentless urges to contact the ex. "I just need some closure. I need some answers; I want to know 'why'. I need to understand. I just want to explain to them, plead with them, and show them how sorry I am. I want him to know I’m willing to do anything to change. I want her back. How could he do this to me? I didn’t know she was so unhappy."

We do whatever we need to in order to process our pain, and we each grieve in our own way. When a person dies, we also feel the need for closure. We want to connect and to understand, but it is impossible. The person is no longer there. You get to say goodbye at the burial and everyone knows you are going through grief and that it will take time. You “see” your loved one in the street, hope it’s them when the phone rings. And you get lots of support.

That doesn’t happen with divorce.

You know the other person is alive and well, and probably having a great time at the beach while you are here feeling miserable. If one more person tells you to “be strong,” you might find yourself on trial for murder! Divorce is all about falling apart. If you can’t fall apart after the death of your marriage, then when can you? You will never be the same person again. You know that the other person decided to no longer be in a relationship with you, and that hurts. You no longer have their mental, emotional, and spiritual presence; their love, their protection.

You experience grief over the loss of your own sense of value and self-worth, your pride, your ego, your dreams, your hopes, your security, and your feelings of being loved. You feel rejected, not good enough, not lovable, unwanted, and cast aside. You feel taken for granted and unappreciated for all you have done. You have gone from being everything to being nothing in a moment flat! But what kind of person would you be if you didn't grieve?

You’re in love with someone who has rejected you, and are having a hard time getting over your ex. Please use this time alone to do some serious emotional work on yourself. Even though you believe your troubles would be over if only your ex would come back, that’s not the answer. You need to heal that insecure little child inside you that doesn’t believe she’s lovable, and thinks she has to work really hard to get someone to care about her. Don’t make your goal getting him back—make it getting yourself back.

You must be willing to be a healed single person rather than an ever-grieving divorced one. And there’s that “need” to contact your ex because some secret inner part believes that it isn’t over. And because we’re creatures of habit, and don’t like to get pushed out of our comfort zones. Do you really think you’d want your mate back? Do you honestly believe you could go back to “how it used to be?” The more you try to connect with your ex, the longer it will take for you to get over the first stage of recovery from a divorce.

So, before you dial his number, or send her an email, call a friend. Cry like crazy and mourn as much as possible. Keep busy and spend time with friends and family. Take good care of your body. And use Energy Psychology techniques to control the “cravings” of wanting to contact your ex. Here are some start-up phrases to try out, and I'm sure you will come up with your own versions:

Even if I think I’ll go crazy if I don’t see_________ one more time….
Even if I need to understand why ___________ left…
Even if I believe I can’t live without ___________…
Even though I think _______________ did me in, I insist on holding a grudge because I must like the pain it gives me…
Even though I’m anxious and lonely and crave ___________ presence…
Even though I feel incomplete without ___________,…
Even if I should have seen it coming, and I didn’t…
Even if I feel that calling ________________ just this once won’t hurt …
This must be all my fault, I failed___________
This can't be real, s/he's waiting for me to call…
Even if I choose to forget that at times I was fed up…
I can't cope; I don't know how to be on my own…
_________ can't cope; s/he doesn't know how to be on her/ his own…
_____________ is a good person, I can't believe s/he did this…
I'll tell _______________ that I am a changed person; it'll be OK now…
This is my fault, I failed…

After a few rounds of tapping and or holding, you might want to try the following sentences:

Maybe if I call, I'll feel worse…
What if it's OK if I never really know the reason…
Maybe there is no logical reason, and I can be calm and at peace…
What if I can live without….
What if I can let go of the resentment just this one moment…
What if I can keep my hands off the phone just tonight…
What if I am able to cope on my own…
What if I could feel complete by myself just this moment…
I did my best, I choose to feel calm and at peace…
I don’t need to beat myself up and feel guilty any more.
Getting over it, letting it go, right now…
I am now strong and ready to go forward…
I can do this; I now choose to be stronger than ever before…
I now have the opportunity to grow from the experience and become a wiser, more loving human being…

Another way to regain peace, even if it's momentarily, is to visualize your heart filled with a radiant white light that expands until it has filled you completely and exits through every pore. The white light is there to protect and soothe. As you inhale, inhale the white light through the crown of your head. Let it come down to your heart, and let it fill and expand your heart. As you exhale, exhale the pain, the hurt and confusion.

It may be that you need to repeat these exercises many times, whatever you do, don't contact your ex! Call your friends, call your family, call your therapist, use Energy Psychology tools, you'll be doing yourself a favor!