This article is inspired by one of my listeners from the Netherlands. She is recently divorced and is rebuilding her life. She wanted some advice on how to build self-confidence again. I decided that in response to her e-mail I would like to address using meditation as a means to boost our self-confidence.

What is it that causes our self-confidence to be beaten down so we don’t do as well in life? It stems from two things; one is our external environment, how people treat us and from our internal environment, how we treat ourselves. When you are in an abusive relationship or have friends who are abusive, it will wear away on your self-confidence. So I encourage all of us to surround ourselves with loving, kind people and if people aren’t kind call them on it; encourage them to stop and if they won’t stop move on and find new friends. Sometimes, like our friend from the Netherlands, you have to move on and remove yourself from the person or people you’re with that are abusive. Sometimes you have to start a new life. But the only thing that’s important is how we talk to ourselves, what’s going on in our head all day long. There is that “mind chatter” that goes on throughout the day until we learn to quiet our mind and that mind chatter is very important. It matters what we say to ourselves, it really matters.

I remember once, years ago, working with a woman who really struggled with self esteem. She was very angry at her husband because about ten years earlier, when they were at a movie, he made a comment about her weight and it really stuck in her brain. She was having a hard time, even ten years later, forgiving him for what he had said. He only said it to her once, but it really hurt her. What I pointed out to her was that all day long she was criticizing herself for her weight. So I asked her, “Why is it okay for you to criticize yourself every day of your life about your weight, when your husband criticized you one time?” She really didn’t have an answer to that question and that was how we began working towards stopping her negative self-talk, quieting her mind, and building her self-confidence so that she learned to love herself better. It really matters what we say to ourselves in our head all day long.

Begin by being aware of “what am I saying to myself?” For most of us, unless we are in a really abusive relationship, it’s easy to identify people who are abusive and we just stay away from them. But our own self-talk can be very critical and it matters; so it’s a three step process to change our negative self-talk.

• First we have to be aware of it; we can’t change it if we’re talking negatively to ourselves but aren’t aware of it.
• Then when we are aware of it, stop the thought and the easiest way is to replace it with another thought. Replace it with a loving, kindness thought towards ourselves and people around us. When our minds are filled with loving and kindness thoughts, guess what happens? Confidence and love exude from our very soul when our minds fill with these loving and kind thoughts.
• Lastly, learning to quiet our minds and being still is the ultimate aim that we are headed towards. Being still, being present with no commentary, good or bad, just learning to be still in our minds. Strive to love our life, be flowing with our lives, being present without commentary good or bad, and just learning to be.

The Meditative State

Breathe slowly, breathe deeply. Now is a time for relaxation. Now is a time to be present, to quiet the mind and be still. As we enter this quietness, let’s breathe slowly and breathe deeply; breathe slowly and breathe deeply. Feel our body relax, become still and very, very quiet.

In this state of peace, in this state of quietude I want for us to start only letting people into our lives that are loving and kind. We are loving and kind towards them. We are attracted toward and we surround ourselves with loving kindness towards others and those who share loving kindness towards us. It’s almost as if a magnet is being created inside of us that says “I am only going to be with people who treat me kindly, lovingly and I’m only going to treat others the same way; with loving kindness.” As we meditate, our brains, our hearts, and souls are being reconditioned so that they only want to be around those who are kind and loving. When people act in our lives that aren’t kind and loving we gently talk to them about it and if their behavior doesn’t change then we gravitate towards those people who are loving and kind and gently move away from those who are not. That magnet in us tells us, “I can only be around those people who are loving and kind towards me and I will reciprocate and attract them because I am loving and kind towards them.” It’s a beautiful relationship that we have in our lives; loving them and having them love us. This is what we are attracted towards. This is what our heart desires. This is the type of relationship we find ourselves in, loving ones, kind ones. You can feel that loving kindness coming towards you from the people in your life. You give that same loving kindness back to them. It’s a beautiful life that’s being created each and every day because of the loving kindness that you receive from others and the loving kindness that you give back to those in your life.

Equally as important is that we become aware of our own internal thoughts. Because we are becoming aware of and paying attention to what our thoughts are telling us, we only allow them to be loving, kind thoughts. We only allow them to be thoughts that build us up, care for us and if they are critical we replace them with loving, kind thoughts. This is our life. We desire to only have loving, kindness to be spoken to us from ourselves. It truly matters what we think about ourselves; so what we develop are loving, kind thoughts towards our self; awareness is the key. Unless we are aware of what thoughts are going on in our head we can’t change. Once we are aware and know what these thoughts are, we saturate our thoughts with love and kindness towards our self; focusing on that which we love about ourselves, that which is beautiful, that which is kind. We are building up who we are by focusing on forcing our own loving kindness towards ourselves and towards others in our life. We have that magnet that not only attracts loving kindness, compassion, gentleness, from others but also attracts loving kindness and gentleness towards ourselves. Throughout the day we are gently, kindly, loving ourselves; treating ourselves with dignity and respect. We are only allowing thoughts which are beautiful, which are kind, which are gentle, towards ourselves. This is what and who we are; being attracted towards loving kindness and in return enhancing our own self-esteem and self-confidence.

We also work towards just being, quieting our mind, letting our mind be still and enjoy the present moment without commentary towards others, without commentary towards ourselves. This is our ultimate goal that we work towards each and every day when we meditate. We are teaching our minds to be still so that we can be present; because in the present moment all is well. All is well when we are present. The way we do that is by practicing our meditation. We develop our quieting of the mind and we learn to be present throughout the day. We are striving to have a meditative life so that we can have a still, quiet heart and in the stillness and quietness all is well. When our minds are still, when our hearts are quiet there arises within us a peace that surpasses all understanding. All that we need to do is to be still, be present and that peace is always there. Our self confidence soars and we do so well because all is well.

Author's Bio: 

Dr. Robert Puff, Ph.D. is a meditation expert, author, clinical psychologist, and international speaker and the creator of the weekly Meditation For Health Podcast, available at He has a weekly podcast that explores the world of Happiness at He also has a blog at He also creates a weekly podcast that explores the world of Enlightenment available at If you would like to contact Dr. Puff, his e-mail address is