How to effectively respond to blame and enhance your marriage.

Blame in any relationship is challenging to deal with, even more so in marriage. Your natural instinct may be to blame back. All this does is create more tension. Husbands and wife’s that blame each other for their unhappiness, actions and inactions find that they get stuck in a spiral of resentment, where they start building a case against each other. I don’t want this for you. If your being blamed for everything in your relationship or you are both trapped blaming one another – this article will hopefully help you put an end to this.

The first thing when looking to rid your relationship from blame is recognizing what purpose blame may serve to an individual. Some people revert to blaming others because it protects their self-esteem by diverting attention away from themselves. Others revert to blame because they have learnt early on in life that it is painful to be wrong or in the wrong. Some people blame because it is easier than facing the truth. Then there are some of us who were raised by parents who never took responsibility for their actions.

When you are able to take a look at what blame is doing for your spouse and have compassion you will be on the path towards a blame-free marriage. I will share a few stories (names changed ) and what has worked with couples who joined my empowered love online program.

First let’s explore whether blame is happening in your marriage

Signs of blame in a marriage – what statements are true for you?

My partner often blames me for our marriage problems.

My partner often blames me for his/her unhappiness.

We are both fed up with certain aspects of our marriage

My partner refuses to acknowledge their contribution to the problems

My partner blames me for their behavior

Whenever I try to discuss our relationship my partner I end up being blamed

My partner refuses to talk about certain issues

I refuse to acknowledge my contribution to the problems

I shutdown when I am blamed or retaliate

The more of these signs of blame that exist in your relationship the bigger blame is impacting your marriage happiness .

A common question I often get asked is “Nicola what can I do / should I do when my husband/ wife blames me for the marriage problems.

Here are some reasons why your husband or wife may blame you

Why Your Spouse Blames You

Protect Self-Esteem

When we blame something or someone else for our behavior we take away the responsibility and focus away from us.

Claire and Roberto were fighting over Claire’s sex drive. She was not in the mood for sex after the birth of their second child. She become less and less interested and more and more frustrated with her husband’s advances. She was tired of doing everything single-handedly in the home, whilst Roberto worked and went out more and more, she felt more and mole resentful and isolated. He blamed her for the marriage problems stating that her with-holding sex made him stressed and needing to go out and let off steam. He felt it was her problem to fix her low libido.

Claire blamed Roberto, that if he was a more helpful, cheerful and supportive husband, she would find him more attractive and want to be intimate with him. They were stuck in this vicious cycle of blame and neither felt loved or heard. Both were refusing to look at their own behavior as it was far easier to blame than look within and be willing to make changes. Both secretly felt “I don’t want to have to change, they are the one that needs to change.”

When we blame others for what we say, think and do; we give away our power. It also damages the relationship because we stop acknowledging and addressing the real problems.

Ignored issues only get bigger.

The often unconscious thought process for those who blame their spouse is “if I blame myself I will feel inadequate. If I blame my spouse I may get what I want.” It never works but thinking this way may make them continue to find reassurance in blaming.

Mike was having a stressful time in the office and instead of blaming work, he was blaming his wife for his stress because she didn’t make the home as tidy and as quiet as he liked. .

For such men and women, their spouse is playing the role of the scape goat. It protects the self esteem but it harms the marriage.

The more a person is insecure the more they will resort to blaming. This is where compassion can come in recognizing that blaming is often not personal, just a way of coping with insecurities.

Blaming is Habitual

Sometimes people blame because that is what they have learned to do throughout their life, where blaming has become a habit. Often a person will pick this up from a parent or influential figure growing up. People that do this may not know how to deal with conflict or relationship problems in a healthy way. I have someone like this in my close family, it still amazes me how they are never at fault. To the point where even if they did something they will blame it on someone else for not telling them to or not to. They will even blame the TV or radio show for their actions! It took me sometime to realise that these people can’t tolerate responsibility for their actions. I used to get angry but now I really feel for them, they don’t have another way to deal with problems or the courage to look within or accept they may have made a mistake.

Blame for Change

The great thing about a partner who blames is that they are expressing their viewpoint and the existence of problems. This is healthier for the marriage than bottling up frustrations inside. As denial of problems and burying one’s head in the sand makes it far more difficult to resolve issues. It is also a sign of wanting the relationship to change for the better. A person who blames will stop blaming if they no longer care about the relationship. When people give up complaining it is often because they feel hopeless. So even if they see the only way to improve the marriage as your improving yourself, it’s an indication they care. and you can use the blame to create change.

Why Do We need To Stop the Blame Game?

Blaming is self-destructive – it disempowering rather than empowering. It hurts the relationship and blocks closeness. The fact is people who blame create more negativity for themselves and others.

If you allow your spouse to repeatedly blame you, you will eventually emotionally reject your spouse. There is nothing loving about allowing yourself to be someone’s victim and vice versa.

Marriage counseling often focuses on blame. Where a couple go and each take it in turns to share why they think their partner is at fault for the problems. Which is why my approach to strengthening marriages is very different. There is no blame or no painful conversations. I meet many couples who get caught up in the blame game through marriage counselling and leave feeling worse off and further apart than ever before. This is why the empowered love online program ensures results through actions or I give a money back guarantee. It’s because I know the only way for lasting change is through inspired, giving loving action.

Occasionally people who blame, want marital counselling because they want the marriage therapist to side with them in blaming their spouse. This does not help the couple either, whether the marriage therapist agrees or doesn’t agree it is not going to make things any better. Some people desperately want the marriage therapist to say their partner is wrong and when they don’t they blame the marriage counsellor for not being very good. Talking alone does not save a marriage, actions do, which is why forward focused coaching is far more effective in marriage transformation.

If you have not yet seen the marriage secret masterclass 60-minute video you can do so, using this link – it shows you how to bring about lasting change in your relationship and become closer.

Remember who is right and who is wrong ultimately is not the issue here. The real issue is what you can do to increase the love and connection between you and your spouse
I hope you found this useful. Next week I will share more on blame with more steps you can take to deal with a spouse that blames you for everything, so stay tuned for that.

From my heart to yours, Nicola
Nicola Beer

P.S If you liked this article you may also find my free 7 Secrets To Fixing Your Marriage E-book helpful Copy the below link to access
7 Secrets To Fixing Your Marriage – Free Report

Here is the Marriage Secret Masterclass link – with a 98% success rate in transforming relationships

Author's Bio: 

Nicola Beer is an International Relationship & Divorce Coach who helps her clients find peace and create a new beginning after Marriage Breakdown and Divorce. This includes helping couples on the verge of a breakup to resolve their relationship issues once and for all so that they can revive the love, passion, respect, and fun that's been missing.

As well as helping clients during and after Divorce to manage stress, create more income and adjust to new financial realities, redefine who they are, create a new social life, and when they are ready to attract someone great. Nicola also runs 2 parenting programs that support children through and after divorce

Nicola has combined 11 years' experience helping people with emotional issues. This comprises 7 years private coaching and 4 years as a volunteer for the Samaritans where she supported callers dealing with any emotional distress. She is UK certified in Coaching, Grief Recovery for Adults and Children, NLP, Time Line Therapy, Hypnosis.

Nicola's passion for supporting people before, during and after divorce comes from her own childhood, where due to the stress of divorce her mother suffered a mental breakdown. As 1 of 5 children the divorce was devastating for her family and affected each of her family in different ways. More recently Nicola's older sister with 4 children is going through a difficult divorce. Having experienced and seen the pain and stress associated with divorce Nicola is focused on proving solutions. She knows divorce doesn't have to mean disaster and takes her clients and their children from surviving to thriving. She is equally passionate about saving marriages, so has a program to overcome relationship problems.

Nicola works with expats and locals, Muslims and Non-Muslims from all over the world, mainly from Dubai, London, India, Saudi Arabia, Singapore, either in person for a 2 day intensive package or further afield US, Australia via video conference and phone.