Are You Living With A Woman Who Struggles with Intensity? What To Do and Not to Do

A common union I see in couples is a very strong woman partnered with a fairly passive man. The men often say their partners are overbearing, controlling, intense, critical and never satisfied. The women say the men don’t talk, are walled off, often passive-aggressive and say yes just to get the women off their backs. Often they’re both right: the women are over the top and the men are too passive.

If you’re a male and happen to be living with a woman who matches the descriptions above, here’s your cheat sheet for being in relationship with her.

1. Stop ducking in response to intensity. The worst thing you can do with an angry woman (or man for that matter) is to duck. If your partner is coming at you with high intensity (yelling, swearing, raging, name-calling, etc.), then set a limit on the intensity. Don’t try to talk her down or jump to do what she’s asking of you until you address the way she is speaking to you.

2. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Learn to become a man of integrity and stop lying to avoid her intensity. Do not just “yes” her to get her off your back. If you say you will do something, do it. Otherwise, say no.

3. Ask for your needs and wants. Stop being resentful that you’re constantly trying to please her and stand up for yourself. Healthy relationships require that both partners ask for their needs and wants. The more you try to do what she wants without asking for what you want, the more resentful you will get. Pay attention to what you want and learn to ask for it.

4. Don’t play the victim. Too many passive men act as if their wives/partners make their lives miserable. No-one has the power to make your life miserable without you allowing it. Look at how your behaviors contribute to your unhappiness and address those.

5. Be direct. Do not sideswipe your partner by throwing out underhanded comments, sarcastic quips or disdainful looks. If you’re not happy about something—speak it. Don’t stoop to being passive-aggressive by emotionally withholding or being behaviorally irresponsible. Those are child-like responses to adult issues; step up like an adult and address things directly.

If you’re with a woman who you believe struggles with intensity, start looking at what you’re doing that is not helping the situation. Remember that you deserve to be treated with respect at all times. If your wife or partner is highly intense or reactive, she is not being respectful. It’s your job to teach her how to treat you. Do not play the victim to her rants…or you will ensure they will continue.

Challenge: When it comes to intensity, remember to address that energy head on. Set limits, speak directly and be clear that the intensity is not okay. Also be sure that you are “clean” on your end by being responsible, following through with what you say you will do, being honest and asking for your needs and wants. Good luck!