Here’s a question I received via Facebook that really caught my attention. So much so that I’m sharing the Q&A with you here. By the way, if you’d like to “friend” me on facebook, my profile is here.

While we’re at it, if you’re on Twitter my username is “scotmckay“.

Here we go:

Hey Scot:

I have an honest question for you. Though I’ve ribbed you on forums before about how you always talk about your wife, I think I am very similar to you in that respect. I have a very serious gf who I will soon get engaged to. She is a sweetheart. The PUA sites really push the concept of being poly-amorous. I guess if you’re a 20 year old kid you want to have fun, and we all have our heidonistic fantasies even when in a great relationship. But my question to you is: Do you think it’s wrong for these sites to push this poly-amorous concept?

Let’s be honest here- 99% of the women I have met want a monogamous boyfriend. Sure there are younger women in sororities or other between relationships that want to date around, but overall our society tells women that they want 1 boyfriend /mate. To spread this notion to be polyamorous and that women will respect it- I find it to be stupid and not realistic.

There’s nothing better than a great monogamous relationship. Forgetting even the physical aspect, the emotional connection cannot be matched. And even if my gf isn’t “a 10″ in the looks department compared to some supermodel types I see on the street, my gf is a 10 with her devotion, love, and caring and connection we have. Should the community be spreading this type of relationship rather than being playboy PUAs?

I’m a big fan of the Seduction Community and have learned lots from them, but I think this aspect of their philosophy is totally off base. Curious as to your thoughts.



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Hey Bradley, man. What a phenomenal message you’ve sent me. There’s a lot there to comment on.

One time a certain well-known PUA’s marketing guy really pushed me to set up an interview with him, even though I pretty much didn’t see much in common between our philosophies. I kid you not, it wasn’t two minutes into the ensuing conversation with the PUA that he literally insulted me for being married.

My response to him was very simple.

I told him that what he didn’t get was that I WANTED to be married. I had been where he is and he had never been where I am, which made me more qualified to opine on the matter.

That pissed him off. Oh well.

There are several aspects of this whole matter that are relevant, many of which aren’t obvious on the surface.

For starters, some suspect that the “bootcampers” believe they’ll “lose customers” if they point them towards monogamous relationships.

I’m not sure I buy into that.

However, if you read any of the masters of marketing copywriting they’ll tell you that there is a shockingly small number of major themes that SELL. One of them is “immediate gratification”. The other, as you may have guessed already, is “lust” (aka “sex sells”).

Most insiders in the the men’s dating advice market accept that those are the only two of seven total that are a good fit for the men’s dating advice market. “Social acceptance” is another, I believe, which may apply. That, along with “security” typically replace “lust” in the women’s dating advice market quite effectively..

So, then, the most commercially successful seduction shops sell lust and immediate gratification.

Because it WORKS.

To spin this another way, you WON’T read about sexual responsibility, STDs, or condom use in marketing copy directed at single guys. Nor will you find much about unwanted pregnancies or any other possible logical outcomes from immediate and frequent sexual gratification.

It’s not that all of that isn’t important. It’s just that those topics are a buzzkill when it comes to marketing. It doesn’t SELL.

But let’s be fair here. As much as people want to bust on PUAs, etc. for being “commercial” or “sell outs”, the naked truth is that selling stuff is what frees them up to work their craft full time.

So then, for most shops it’s a no-brainer: you’ve got to default to what SELLS. And as soon as the “silent majority” of guys who really want one great girlfriend stop throwing MONEY at the “get laid quick” message, things will change.

But they probably won’t. The tenets of marketing are what they are.

That’s not to say I’m anything other than eternally optimistic. After all, the message around here is indeed decidedly different.

There’s another whole side to this whole discussion, though, that I’ve never heard acknowledged.

People are ANONYMOUS on the Internet. This gives those who “fly under the radar” of social scrutiny 100% freedom to act out on their most prurient fantasies without fear of recourse.

The mass consumption of porn underscores this premise, but so also does the fact that guys who flame the hell outta people on message boards would probably call the same people “sir” in real life.

Conclusion? I really believe that much of the Seduction Community REALLY IS “for entertainment purposes only”.

Many, many guys don’t want to be PUAs, they only want to feel like one once in a while.

In real life a genuine PUA lifestyle would melt most men’s faces off.

And that’s okay.

So for the most part, yes…I’m all about validating your thoughts.

I would also agree that most women WANT a monogamous relationship.

BUT, I will continue to stand behind the premise that a man should date multiple women even if his goal is eventual monogamy, simply to get a solid grip on what he wants.

There’s also the matter of getting to date the kinds of women you fantasize about so that your “big choice” is made from a position of strength rather than weakness.

You know I talk a lot about high-quality women and deserving them. When you are the man who great women want, they are indeed very much prepared to compete for the right to be monogamous with you.

Sounds crazy, but it’s true. Great women are reasonable and understand that a high-quality man is in demand. He’s not going to latch on desperately to the very first woman who comes along.

That said, the responsibility of a great man is immense when it comes to relationship management. He must be honest from the very beginning and never waver for the sake of sexual convenience.

Likewise, he has to be sexually responsible. If a man can enjoy femininity without being sex-focused, then he’ll happen upon the truth that he doesn’t have to have sex with every woman he is dating.

As preposterous as that last sentence must sound to some guys, most of those same men are “starving” when it comes to sexual fulfillment. The man I’m describing is “well fed” in that regard, knowing he has options.

And ultimately, a great man has to make hard decisions when a woman wants to move faster than he does. Women do this all the time in their relationships, and aren’t second guessed. It’s time for men to reserve that right as well.

And when you DO find a great woman in this context, something POWERFUL happens. When you choose her, she TRUSTS your choice. She knows you had options, and that you picked HER anyway.

This concept works especially well when great women are involved because they too likely had a rich set of options from which THEY also CHOSE the one they wanted to be with most.

So the two of you understand where each other is coming from, as well as where you are going.

And when you’ve come full circle with all of this, rest assured it’s IMMENSELY rewarding. You’ve dated successfully, had real choices, and actively chose the lifestyle you wanted when you were ready to choose it. From there, you enjoy all the rich benefits of a shared history, building a family, etc. with the woman who caused all others to “fade into Bolivian” as Mike Tyson would put it.

That’s what happened between Emily and I.

There I go talking about her again. But hey…she’s a big part of my life these days and we share a lot of common experiences. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

All the best to you. If you’re truly excited about your future, so am I.

Be Good,


Author's Bio: 

Scot McKay is a character-based dating and seduction coach, online dating consultant, talk show host and founder of X & Y Communications. He lives in San Antonio, TX with his wife and co-conspirator Emily (whom he met online), three kids and two hairless terriers. You can find lots more from Scot on his website at where you can sign up for his popular weekly newsletter and get free stuff...including audio podcasts and videos. His blog is found at