"What Kind Of A Deal Is Marriage?

WHAT IS MARRIAGE?

“A BET THAT BOTH PEOPLE WILL DEVELOP AT THE SAME TIME AND IN THE SAME DIRECTION”

Befuddled by the meaning of this so special contract? Are you pondering what makes it so different from other “contractual deals” that we get into along life?

Here it is:

MARRIAGE is a blind contract, done in absolute faith, that both partners will walk the same path in life, towards the same goals, 30 years hence.

OK, How can I understand this proposition?

Life is constant growth and development. The trip of our lives is constantly taking us into different stages, from birth to grave…In each stage there are tasks to be performed and lessons to be learned, so when we get to die, our voyage of self-realization is complete.

Does this “life as development program” happens to every one? Not quite!
• First: you need to realize that life is for learning.
• Second: you need to accept that the learning has to be done actively BY YOU, nobody else;
• Third: all experiences, those named good or those named bad, are all learning experiences, and your task is to learn from them, tears and all.

The problem is that we are taught so many things by our parents, and in school, but few people says to us: You are here to learn, first, who are you, second why are you here, to do what, and third, to do it, up until the last day!

We get sidetracked, confused and blinded by so many influences…that we forget to ask ourselves the basic question: what is what I want to accomplish in this life?

We need to answer this question way before we fall in love. Perhaps when we are between 8 and 12 years…time for big dreams and life goals to sprout.

Otherwise, we will marry and make plans with somebody else, forgetting that there is a big, fundamental piece of ourselves that we managed to have hidden or forgotten. Which doesn’t mean that it will not come back later, to ask for our attention!

Once solved the question: how can I be with someone in a permanent basis, so as to get support and affection and avoid loneliness, the postponed question raises its head and asks:

What are you going to do with this life goal, now that you are loved and supported? Isn’t this the perfect time to realize the goals you had in mind for ever?

Oops! BIG OOPS! Our life partner is not knowledgeable that we have always dreamed of doing something very particular, or that now, just now, we want to pursue that dream…

The problem is that our basic dreams are our life goals, and are individually designed. If and when we need a partner in crime, the life lover has to be selected according to her/his affinity with this goal.

Otherwise, we are charting a path of unmitigated misery for us, only because we wanted to solve the singlehood and loneliness problem once and for all.

Well, a partner chosen without consideration of our life goals, probably will not be very helpful, but can even be a very solid obstacle…This is more or less the kernel of truth under the “starter marriage” high rate of divorces…you suddenly discover the non-compatibility of your present partner with your lifelong goal! And all the glamour of the attraction to this person is challenged by the basic question: Why this estrange person hates me now because I want to do X?

Only because, we were never clear to her/ and probably to ourselves! We “forgot” that we were, basically born to do what we were born to do. We never included this piece, out of fear (things will not happen so why dream so high?) out of resignation (those were a child’s dreams, anyhow) and out of conformity (nobody goes to school being a grown up like me, they will laugh at me, so why bother?).

Whatever the reasons for repress our higher goal for years, we did repress and ignored them. Up until the moment when we felt pushed to make choices that either put us near them, or very away from them…Your partner, then, can be a helper in the fight to recover them, or an accomplice in the conspiracy to repress them…all in the guise of: “we are married now, and married people do things in this way…”

Truth is, it is scary for you as it is for him to look at a different future than the one it was securely imagined. You forget that you are in the married trip to support each other’s development, and begin to defend stability, security and immobility. Perhaps you offer solutions to be applied for in the future: “you can go back to school when we have raised the children,” in the hope that you can preserve the present as it is.

Perhaps this is the issue that raises the rawest feelings. Insecurity, loneliness, betrayal…when one of the partners can’t forget his or her dreams, which are not part of the life scenario of the other. Silence, repression of the issue, anger attacks if it is mentioned, everything goes in the fight to preserve an imaginary status quo that is crumbling under your feet.

When you get to the point of defending immobility, almost everything is lost. Your partner will see you as the defender of a situation that has already changed; that is already in the process of developing in something else.

Do you want to be loved in ALL YOUR DEVELOPMENTAL STAGES? DO YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE LOVED ONLY IF YOU STAY AS YOU WERE IN YOUR TWENTIES, when you two met? And if you promise to continue being that person, so as to confirm your partner that he/she is also not growing older? Even when you know that you are not that person anymore?

But then, who loves the person that you try to be? Nobody? This is the core of the issue labeled as infidelity. Which is not basically over a sexual issue, but about finding someone who will honor who you are now, as you are….not the one you were five years ago…

And who will accept the one you can become in five years? This is the blind bet! Seriously, this should be part of the marriage contract: “I promise to accept and revere the person you will become along our lives…, whatever quirks and idiosyncrasies you develop, because I trust that you will become the person that your goals describe, and I admire those goals! Meanwhile, we will keep fair fighting and negotiating peacefully our different needs”

Is this proposition going too far? It can be, and in this case, we accept what is called “serial monogamy” where you have to find a new companion for the person you are at each developmental stage of your life.

So the choices now are two:

Either we believe that both sides can know, accept and work together towards their respective goals, and “shared goal achieving” is part of the marriage agreement;

Or we believe that people can’t develop at the same pace, and that we will have temporary partners for each stage of our personal development, which forces us to consider divorce as the normal exit that will allow us to search for the most convenient situation for our new stage.

Perhaps you are considering now that this proposition changes the whole meaning of the marriage deal, as you knew it. Do we get married to have company and fight loneliness? Do we marry to get help in developing our individual life goals?

Outcomes are very different in each case, and perhaps you will need some help getting clear about which on is your personal situation…this is one of the objectives of having a life coach.

What is a life coach for? Let’s remember what a life coach can help you with:

• identify the source of your frustration feelings
• connect with your submerged life goals
• work on acceptance/ integration of those goals into your NOW
• recognize how do you sabotage goals, with your spouse’s help
• learn new ways to realize your goals
• learn ways of negotiating those goals with your spouse
• make better plans for achieving your life goals.

Whatever your decision, I wish that you have the courage to connect with the original life goals that you are supposed to achieve in this life.