Despite what makes logical sense, men and women are with the one they’re with not because of the others’ pedigree or resume or the number of zeros in their bank account, but because of the emotional attachment - the way they FEEL around that person.

Valentines Day stirs up a lot of emotions for most of us – whether you are a man or a woman.

Women anticipate this day with wild expectations. We’re huge romantics – whether we let on or not. And don’t let it fool you – we want you to acknowledge the day in some special way.

Men on the other hand, probably wish they could live in a remote cabin in Alaska for those 24 hours! The stress of getting the special-ness just right is more than some can handle.

I even dated a guy who scheduled a dentist appointment Valentine’s evening (from one of those clinics) in Westminster, then claimed to have tools stolen out of his truck and had to wait for the police to take his statement before he could come back to Greeley. He conveniently waited at the bar of a nearby Old Chicago’s for the police to arrive. No lie! I couldn’t even make this up.

Well, before you do something drastic and have to deal with the consequences (for years to come perhaps), let me put you at ease…it really doesn’t matter what gift you give – hard as it might seem – it’s the way you make your beloved FEEL that matters.

Think about it – people want to be celebrated not tolerated.

I talk all the time about our different personality styles, our different communication ‘languages’ if you will.

Tell your sweetie-pie what you love about them in their personality style – their ‘communication language’. Quit trying to get her to understand your logical reasoning why a card or flowers are a waste of money (they just get thrown away and die…fyi, same guy as above) OR explain that you told him you loved him on your wedding day OR that you married him didn’t you? What more proof do you need??? (Okay, a guy might be more likely to say these, too, but I’m trying to be gender-equal, here!)

See, most of us relate to others in the style which is most comfortable to us – our personality style. Learn to speak the language of their personality style – their communication language – instead of yours.

This is one of the simplest relationship things you can do and it reaps the biggest reward. To learn how, go to this link for helpful resources:

Now if you’ve been talking in YOUR communication language (your personality style) instead of your sweetie’s you may get some suspicious looks or even blank stares at first.

‘Hmmm, what’s going on??? This brings back memories…wait, wait…I know…we were dating last time I saw this behavior.’

Do you have a fever? AaaHa! You have bad news to tell – downsizing at work, didn’t’ get the promotion, can’t go on the exotic trip we’ve been planning. Whatever it is, there might be some hard-heartedness at first. That’s normal when we’ve been conditioned to respond in a certain way for a long time.

It might also bring up some feelings of anger or frustration. ‘Why do you only show this affection when you’re guilt-ed into it by the media? How hard is it to do this all the time? Obviously, you have it in you.’ Stick with it. Change doesn’t come over night –on either person’s part.

Now before you get all upset and lay into the giver (again, usually in your personality style) let me stop you.

If you react in your caustic, sarcastic, skeptical or logical manner, your dearest might never even TRY to make the effort to get your relationship back to the good stuff.

Like a diamond, we’re all facets. Age, cultural influences, family background and values, live experiences, etc make up who we are. There is another facet which is important to know about – our love language.

Gary Chapman wrote a great book, The Five Love Languages, and I highly recommend it. In fact, I give it as a part of a wedding present. (Okay, so now you know what you’re getting if you invite me to your wedding!)

He basically says the same thing. Everyone has a love language, figure out your mate’s and love them in their language and not yours. Which is what we usually do. Remember, we tend to be inwardly-focused and not outwardly-focused. Just as we tend to communicate based on our personality style, we tend to love in our own language – the way we want to be loved- and then wonder why our beloved accuses us of not loving them.

Many other facets make up who we are. But get to know these two languages and see what happens. If you knock yourself out to make your main-squeeze feel good, they’ll work hard to keep you coming back.

Then you can celebrate EVERY day instead of just one.



Author's Bio: 

Pam Smith is the founder of Happy People Enterprises, LLC, a training and consulting company, and works with citizens, industry and business professionals and government agencies to help them improve their communication skills. With 20+ years in regulatory enforcement/compliance work, Pam knows firsthand the value of communicating what you mean.

For free resources to help you understand your communication styles check out