Hurt in the past and sacred to love? Find out how to love again?

I am a divorced professional woman age 38, and am successful at work, but haven’t had a relationship for 3 years. I do meet plenty of men, and men find me attractive, but I am very fussy and rarely attracted to them. Worse then that, the ones I am attracted too have been unavailable in some way. I really would like to get married again, although my sex drive is pretty low these days.

Your story is incredibly common -- quite a number of my clients have been in
the same situation, and I was in a similar predicament myself some years back.

Being honest with yourself and with others about what you really want is an important first step. “Married again” could be the words for your goal. Perhaps you tell yourself that you are an intelligent, discerning woman and will be open when “Mr Right” shows up. My guess is that you may have been hurt in the past and to stay safe you have become unavailable emotionally (including having a low sex drive). My prediction is that he won’t show up, until you make some shifts within yourself.

There are a number of steps – both spiritual and practical - that I find useful to open the heart. Step I involves releasing any feelings of anger or sadness that you hold. Difficult feelings that are historical can prevent you finding love. Write a “letter that never gets sent” to each person in your life that has hurt you. Write, without holding back, and tell them exactly how you feel. End the letter by writing about what you appreciate about them. Set yourselves free by burning the letters. You may also find it useful to write a letter from each of them to you, explaining their behaviour.

Prayer is powerful too. Start by appreciating what you have, ask for your new husband to enter your life, be honest about how you are feeling, hand over your dilemma, and trust that life will manifest the best result for you.

I have used a number of visualisation processes myself with great effect: Growing my own light as brightly as possible within myself, doing the same with another light as well as visualising my own fearful part transform. Daily visualisations of your heart opening and love pouring out work well too.

As well as the spiritual processes, there are practical actions that you can take to transform your fear. Ensure you create a full life so that a relationship is no more than the “icing on the cake”. Go for friendship first with potential partners. Often it is easier for us to choose loving friends, one of whom could become a partner, than it is for us to choose a loving partner from cold. Be willing to show your true self including your vulnerabilities when appropriate, which will encourage your “friend/potential partner” to do the same. Through being truly open, you will be able to create a deep connection.

I mentioned my own past similar dilemma. No sooner had I finished these processes, and in particular the spiritual ones, my life partner materialised. Say “yes to love” and “no to unavailability”, take these steps, and watch what happens for you too (including your sex drive!). Do send me an invite to your wedding!