Returning To Love

How I learned to invite love back into my life.

While I was so busy convincing myself that my love Finn and I should be apart (see previous post), and blaming our relationship for my acting out, very slowly, Finn crept back into my heart. Love is inevitable that way. It partners with truth: even if we ignore it, it’s still there, underneath, constant.

I didn’t notice it at first. We had been spending time together as friends only, and I suppose it started with small moments of looking over at him, and noticing that my heart felt full.

My heart was full? This was not supposed to be happening! Having a full heart toward Finn was not in keeping with my habitual regimen of cutting ties when things get tough. I admitted my confusion to a counselor, who encouraged me to not reject the feelings but to instead sit with them, and listen to them. Listen? To fear?

It wasn’t easy. As I’ve written previously, I’m much better at throwing the baby out with the bathwater and avoiding such work. But I stuck with it. When I was nervous, I stayed put. I didn’t run. When Finn and I started being intimate, I had to learn not to punish myself for having “just sex” and to instead embrace it and enjoy it…and see if it might even take us somewhere new.

It did. And not only did I get back with Finn—our relationship is better than ever—but I learned a valuable life lesson. I learned that discomfort is worth noticing, not rejecting. More than that, if we have the faith to jump in and explore it, we’ll find a wealth of self-knowledge and, ultimately, truth.

The next time I encounter an overwhelming sense of fear around something and feel the need to reject, reject, reject, I will instead listen carefully. Anything my firefighter might be saying—“Don’t do it, it’s not good!”—is likely cover for “You don’t deserve this! I won’t let you have it,” a fearful reaction to the unknown. But I do deserve it. And I will have it. That little guy inside is just going to have to get used to happiness.

When you feel fearful, see if you can be curious, maybe even grateful for the opportunity to investigate. By exploring situations in which we are uncomfortable will we gain insight into ourselves and evolve.

Remember, being single isn’t a burden, it’s an OPPORTUNITY!