Are you tired of experiencing conflict in your relationship? Do you ever find yourself choosing the wrong person? Have you ever thought, “if only I’d known…” about my partner?

Just imagine what it would be like if you could have a relationship where you could easily resolve problem, make conscious choices and had a partnership where you both felt fully empowered. Imagine being able to let go of potentially destructive negative emotions and patterns.

When we find ourselves struggling in our relationship, or wondering whether we will ever find that “right” someone with whom to share our lives, resolving the problem sometimes seems almost impossible, doesn’t it?

We are all born loving and lovable, and with our own unique qualities. Our true essence is love, joy and happiness. However as we grow older, significant people in our lives tell us, through their language and behaviors, that we are not okay. As we have less than positive experiences, we internalize them. These experiences surface later in life in the form of feelings, emotions, beliefs and behavior patterns. We develop a distorted view of ourselves covering up our true essence, blinding us to our loving qualities.

In other words we develop distorted beliefs about who we are. Because it is so painful, and even sometimes shameful, we put up a “socially acceptable” front built around our need to be acceptance or our need to stay in control. These two needs are at the root of all our problems, both in relationships and other areas of our lives as well.

As an example, let’s say a child has a need for a hug, and the parent unknowingly, ignores the child’s need. As a result, the child then develops loud behaviors in order to gain attention. Annoyed by the child’s behavior, the parent then yells angrily at the child and sends him to his room. The child now feels even more rejected. The child loves and trusts his parents and counts on them for his survival. He assumes that they can’t be wrong because they are the authority he looks up to for guidance. The child’s conclusion is this: “It’s my fault. There must be something wrong with me, otherwise I wouldn’t feel this way.” The child then ends up hating himself for feeling the way he does, but at the same time he feels he has to feel that way in order to survive. The end result is, Self-hate = Survival and Survival = Self-hate.

The child decides to be perfect in order to get love. Then the “sub-personality” is born. “The judge,” that determines “right” from “wrong.” Over time, in our effort to be “right,” we overcompensate to be perfect, and eventually nothing is good enough. Our conclusion becomes as follows: “Needs are bad.” “I’m bad for having needs.” “I hate myself for not being good enough.” “I don’t deserve happiness.”
Later in life these self hate patterns show up as emotional reactions of fear, anger, depression, loneliness, perfectionism, addictions, which result in the behavior patterns of the “need for acceptance” or “the need to be in control.”

In a relationship where one person has an extreme need for acceptance and the other has an extreme need for control, most often ends up in an abusive situation, or not staying together very long. Even one’s need for control is really the persons deeper need for acceptance. Their behavior just shows up as needing to be the controller. Either way, if these issues aren’t dealt with, the relationship is doomed for failure. When we interact with another from either of these behaviors, we do not connect from a place of whom we really are, our resourceful, full-of-source, loving self. Resourcefulness is a state of our ability to see the truth in a situation, and to be open to the correct solutions available to us instead of being blinded by the problem we find ourselves caught up in. If we can’t communicate with an open heart, from a place of love, how could we ever expect to attract someone, or be in a totally loving relationship with another, free of conflict?

The need to be loved is the greatest of all human needs. As a child we feel the need to be accepted, loved, and connected to our parents. That need is so strong that we carry it with us all our lives. As we grow into our childhood and teen years, we feel a need to be accepted by our peers. Our friendship circles are made up of people who satisfy our need to be accepted. As we begin to form significant relationships, the need for acceptance plays a major role in the people who are attracted to us. We look for acceptance from those with whom we work. When we marry we have a great need to be accepted by our spouse. And when we become parents ourselves, we want to be accepted by our children—we want them to love us and remain connected.

Our greatest problem lies in the need. A “need” is defined as “a situation of great difficulty or misfortune.” When we are in a state of “need” for anything, we are automatically in a state of difficulty. Need has the same meaning as lack. When we focus on our need for acceptance, we are focused on lack, and we are always in a state of non-resourcefulness. So, when we “need” acceptance it means we have none.

People who have a deep “need” for acceptance from others are like vacuum cleaners sucking up attention. Of course it varies in degree, but when it’s there, these people are often very wearing to be around. They are almost impossible to accept when they are so needy of validation, and aren’t accepting of themselves. People seeking acceptance from the outside world can’t receive it until their inside world feels it. It can be a vicious cycle.

Being in a relationship with someone who has a need to be accepted is a “no win” situation. They want to please you and you want to please them. This puts you in the cycle of being the pleaser who can never really please. No matter what you do or how hard you try you can never really please them or fulfill their needs. This creates frustration, blame, and judgment, all of which create very unfulfilling relationships. In order for someone to be pleased, they must first be pleasing to, and accept themselves.

There are basically two human emotions, “love” and “fear.” A feeling of fear is the supporting mechanism behind our need for acceptance. Fear is simply taking a past experience, projecting it into the future, with the anticipation of it happening again, and then re-living it in the present. Fear restricts our energy and holds us back. Fear usually comes from not wanting to repeat the same mistake again. Fear can be anything that is not loving. We may experience our fear as loneliness, resentment or being stuck and feeling there is no way out. We may express our fear as sadness when we have to live without something or someone we have lost. Anger is another way we express our fear. When we are in a state of anger, we fear what we may lose, or we fear not being heard.

It is really quite simple. When we let go of the ‘need for acceptance’, we gain the acceptance of others. When we let go we gain true power. We inherit the freedom of the present moment, a freedom to choose and act from a place of certainty and confidence, or love, rather than fear. When we free up the mental, emotional, and physical energy that has been bound up by our needs, our actions surrounding events and our perception of those events take on an effortless almost magical quality—a flow.

Everyone wants to love and be loved. When we truly love and accept ourselves as we let go of need to be accepted, only then are we free to love, be loved and accept others unconditionally. When we change those around us change. When we become more loving toward ourselves, those around us become more loving toward us.

In order to resolve conflicts, make the right choice or be the right choice in a relationship, it is essential to understand these dynamics. When we are stuck in our problems, we are not free to see creative options or to make healthy choices. Resourcefulness is truly a state of ability to see and accept the resources available to us.

In order to experience a joyous relationship, two things are necessary. One, is self-observation. Ask yourself, “what’s it like being in a relationship with a person like me?” And then listen for the truth! To stop on occasion and to take responsibility for what you bring into the relationship. Through this simple process or self-observation and taking responsibility, you will very quickly begin to see what you bring to the relationship and what issues needs to be resolved, as well as how to resolve them. When we are always looking outside ourselves or to our mate for the answers, or to place blame, we are always focused on the perceived problem instead of taking responsibility for our own actions, remaining resourceful, and being open to solutions. By becoming more self-observant, we can see the truth behind our fears and conflicts, let them go and move past them.

The second thing that is necessary in order to have a joyous relationship is building upon our own qualities, by acknowledging our own talents, strengths, successes, values and goals. We should all take time out to acknowledge our strengths and the divine essence that lives within each of us.
When we build more upon our strengths, acknowledge and let go of our fears, only then are we free to live our lives in the present moment, which is where real life and real love exists! By living fully in the present, we develop the freedom to choose and act from a place of clarity, love and confidence.

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Author's Bio: 

Jim Britt, entrepreneur, author, speaker, and peak performance specialist, is a seasoned organizational executive, a noted success counselor, and an internationally recognized leader in the field of personal-empowerment and peak performance training.

He is author of numerous best selling books and programs including, “Rings of Truth,” “Unleashing Your Authentic Power,” “The Power of Letting Go,” “Freedom,” “Money, How to Earn it, How to Make it Grow,” “Do This. Get Rich-For the Entrepreneur” and his latest, “Do This. Get Rich-For the Network Marketer.”

Throughout the World Jim has shared his business success principles and life enhancing realizations with thousands of audiences, totaling over 1,000,000 people from all walks of life.