I recently came across your article on “sabotaging relationships” through an Internet search and I really found it helpful. I’m writing to you because of my current situation. I am 31 years old and have grown up in a very religious community. Everything is judged superficially; family, appearance, etc.

About a year and half ago I met this girl and started a relationship, unfortunately, things went sour. I was in love with this girl and she was in many ways, my “dream girl”. I tried my best to give and be a good partner in the relationship but she seemed to vacillate between hot and cold. Soon after, she ended the relationship.

I was crushed and didn’t see it coming. She even told her parents a week earlier that she wanted to be with me forever but I guess her influences were to powerful for her and she choose that life over being with me.

Now, I’m in a relationship with a girl who is very giving and caring to me. She really shows that she wants to be with me and I kind of like it. She asked me if we are moving to the next level and getting married and I guess I felt obligated to her so I proposed. Now a month later, I’m starting to have second thoughts and its almost like I’m looking to sabotage this relationship. I find all sorts of things wrong with her.

I think that I never really got over the break up with my previous girlfriend. Why am I doing this to myself and what can I do to make my current relationship blossom and really build a life with some one that cares about me?


Thanks for your comments on my article. It almost sounds like you want your existing relationship to be more like your last - with all the good things your girlfriend now brings. It appears that what your last girlfriend lacked, your current girlfriend has, and vice versa. Your question is about how to not ruin your existing relationship and to be happy with what you have. I first have to ask you a question: is what you have really what you need?

Obviously, neither you nor I can answer that question - yet!

You've probably sat down to create goals for your career and have probably written them down on paper. I strongly advise people to do this at least yearly. Do you have written relationship goals too? You should! Your relationship life is every bit as important as your career, and if you get the right one, you're going to find much additional happiness and support from it. Being in the wrong relationship can take away from everything else you do whereas the right one can aid your life in ways you can't even imagine.

When you create these goals don't consider the women in your life at all - look only at yourself. What do you want? What do you need? How will you know when you've found these things? These are the types of questions your relationship goals should answer. Trust me, this isn't an exercise you spend 1/2 hour on and thing you're done. This is something you may very well spend many evenings on! You want to be as complete as possible. You should answer everything from the qualities of the woman you're looking for to how your life will change when you find her. If you need additional help on creating these goals, see my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" as it goes into creating goals - and a plan for reaching them - in great depth.

There was a time when marriage was more about the communities we lived in. Today, that isn't the case and we can consider being married much more from our own needs than the needs of those communities. If you want to be married, that's fine, but do so for yourself and your own personal benefit - not because your community wants you to do this.

One last thing to consider: how do you know that the woman you're engaged to is the right - or wrong - one for you? First, compare her to your goals. How does she fit? What areas does she lack? Of the things she lacks, are they things where you can help her grow? These can be difficult questions to answer, but there's help! Check out my website for the free download of my "Rating Instrument". (http://beingaman.com/rating_instrument.htm) This software tool will help you really see what areas she's both strong and weak in and will give you an idea of how she fits your goals.

Best regards...
Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2006, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

Author's Bio: 

Dr. Neder is known around the world as a tough, but fair relationship expert, dealing with all sorts of dating, sex and relationship issues from a man's perspective. Having written 3 books ("Being a Man in a Woman's World™" series) and is working on others, hundreds of articles, been on hundreds of radio and TV shows, he is funny, direct and intuitive.

Do you have a burning question that needs an answer? Are you a man that wants to better experiences with women, or a woman that wants to better understand men? To learn more, go to http://beingaman.com.