Listening to Children

BUT . . . I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY . . .

And, herein lies the problem. As a culture, we’re a big bunch of talkers. We value the early verbal skills of our children: “Can you believe she’s already talking in sentences?!” How often do you hear “Can you believe how well he listens?”

YES . . . BUT . . . ON THE OTHER HAND . . .

Listening is not only an important communication tool, but its importance has much deeper implications. When we don't feel listened to and understood - beginning in infancy - we develop ways of protecting ourselves from the pain of feeling ignored and unimportant. These self-protecting strategies are often the roots of many of the qualities we least admire in people, including selfishness, greed and violence.

Feeling ignored and unimportant as children contribute to feelings of inadequacy, lack of confidence, and worthlessness, which can lead to depression, under-achieving, and anxiety disorders, to name a few.

It is amazing how much lousy, aberrant behavior initially arises out of a healthy attempt to be heard, respected and treated as an important and unique individual.

LISTENING . . . WITH AN EXTRA TWIST

Really listening means saying “tell me more”. Most of us are already formulating a response while another is talking, so we’re not fully listening.

Really listening also means validating what you hear first before you respond. It doesn’t mean that you necessarily agree with what you’re hearing. However, there probably is some logic in what your child is saying. Listen for it and validate it: “I can see that” or “that makes sense”. If you can’t see the logic, then say “help me understand more what you mean by that”. Validating what you hear first before you respond communicates to the child that you have really heard what’s been said. Once a person has felt listened to, you’d be amazed at his ability to listen to you.

The biggest challenge is when conflict is afoot. We may have intense feelings that are triggered by what we’re hearing, and it’s so hard to just hold onto those feelings and listen!

LISTENING AS BUILDING SELF-ESTEEM

Validating a child’s thoughts or feelings communicates that he/she is important, has worthwhile things to say and is worthwhile. This is crucial to a child’s self-esteem.

WHAT LISTENING IS NOT

Listening is not saying “uh-huh” while you’re reading the newspaper.

Listening does not mean giving immediate advice, or being judgmental.

Listening is not interrupting, or making comments with facial contortions!

AS SIMPLE AS IT SOUNDS?

In one respect, yes, it’s really as simple as it sounds: listen, validate, pause . . . respond. The difficulty lies in two areas: waiting until the child is ‘talked out’ before we respond, especially when we’re upset or angry. Secondly, accommodating the particular timing of when your child wants to talk.

NUTS AND BOLTS

TIMING: Sometime when the planets are lined up just right, it will be a convenient time when your child will want to talk. You probably already know when this is most likely to be, and it is well worth accommodating this natural timing. Expect certain activities, e.g. bedtime, to take longer than the activity itself, allowing for conversation.

VALIDATING: "Tell me more," or "what do you think or feel about that?", or simply, “oh . . .” can be inviting. Validating means acknowledging a child's feeling, by saying "that makes a lot of sense that you would feel left out when . . . ." or " that makes a lot of sense that you don’t like school when your teacher shouts at the class" or "that really is a funny joke", instead of just "uh-huh".
Or “I can understand that you’d like to do that with your friends. . . tell me more and let’s see if we can work out something that will make us both comfortable.”

“We’re not just cute, we're important", song lyric by Barry Louis Polisar