Or Not?

A client told me recently that her relationship with her husband was saved by two simple words that I suggested she would use on a regular basis. Some people are natural mismatchers, whilst others have mismatching behaviour at times. What is mismatching? Mismatching is when you are inclined to disagree with whatever is stated whether you actually agree or not.
Most people will show mismatching behaviour when they are tired. We all mismatch at times. If you find yourself to disagree with the last statement, you may well be a mistmatcher (no, I am NOT!).

There is one simple short and sweet way to deal with mismatchers, big and small (kids are excellent mismatchers!). You only need to add two very short words to your questions. The words ‘or not ?’ So, if you ask:’Can I borrow $100?’ You would now say ‘Can I borrow $100, or not?’ and ‘will you put the garbage out?’ becomes ‘will you put the garbage out, or not?’ Your mismatcher will have to answer ‘no’ to the first half of the question: ‘will you put the garbage out?’ and ‘yes’ to the second half ‘or not?’

In this way you gently confuse their brains, without them even noticing. My client Susie came to me as she handles the HR in the business that she and her husband run together. They had just taken on a new PA, but things were not all well. The PA would have to ask her husband for approval on certain actions, for suitable times to schedule meetings and other activities that were typical for any assistant.

The PA, Becky was at the end of her tether, as Chris, the boss, just seemed to disagree and refuse to cooperate with anything that she suggested. If she arranged a meeting at 4 pm, he would postpone it to 4.30, if she ordered white paper, he said he wanted cream, if she organised a taxi for him, he wanted a limo and this list just went on and on.

Becky confided in Susie, which she found awkward to start with as Susie was not only the head of HR but also Chris’s wife. After assurance from Susie that the two roles were entirely separate and that whatever Becky told her would stay confidential, Becky spilled her heart and shared her desperation with Susie.

Of course Susie was well aware of the fact that her husband was a mismatcher, she had been married to him for a decade and this had become apparent many times during their time together. Her requests for feeding babies, putting the garbage out, making her a cup of tea, visiting aunt Agatha for her 90th birthday had all been meet with what seemed to be brick walls as well. More often than not, this had led to raging arguments between the otherwise very compatible couple.

It wasn’t until Susie heard this little trick at a personal development seminar and decided to use it and test it. She was simply amazed and could not believe her ears when putting this very simple tool to the test! As if he was a different person!

Susie shared this little story with Becky, who assured her that she would give it a go. It was the next week in the office that she was able to try it out, and she was blown away by the effect of those two simple words ‘or not’ had on the results and communications she had with Chris.

Since then, the working relationship between Chris and Becky has improved dramatically, which, in turn has improved the efficiency and effectiveness of their alliance in the company. On top of that, Becky’s confidence and general happiness soared so that she was able to also positively impact her colleagues. You see, those two little words can have a massive and dramatic effect.

Give it a go, it is simple, fun, and you will see how effective it is!

Brigitte Sumner F IDM, B Sc

Author's Bio: 

Brigitte Sumner is Dutch, and speaks fluently three languages and gets by in another half dozen. She is of mixed Dutch and Indonesian Chinese descent, and married to an Englishman so she has an intimate understanding of many cultures. Her first degree was in education, speech and language sciences, and she holds a diploma in sports psychology. Her pursuit of the Eastern sciences led her to be one of the first Westerners to be officially certified as a Feng Shui advisor with Grandmaster Yap Cheng Hai, one of the worlds leading Feng Shui authorities. She was trained by Tony Robbins as a Results Coach and has more than a decade of intensive coaching experience. She was one of his first UK trainers and presenter of both digital UPW and Life Mastery events. She consults and coaches individuals, organisations and companies. She is a Oneness Blessing giver, and qualified in many areas of healing such as Pranic Healing and Reiki. After her 40th Birthday she found herself 40 lbs overweight, very unfit and suffering from minor ailments. She set out to release the weight and became an Ironman Triathlete. Whilst in training for her first Ironman she competed in the 2000 World Championships Duathlon. To date she has completed 10 Marathons, 6 Half and 2 Full Ironman races. She currently does yoga and swims in the sea year round.

Brigitte is a skilled and effective public speaker with superb audience rapport, indeed she is hailed as one of the best public speakers in Asia. She is a published author and organises Body/Soul retreats in Bali.

Brigitte’s talk will centre around relationships. All human experience is that of relationship. Mastering the area of relationships makes life an effortless and happy experience. Difficulties in both intimate and social relationships can make life seem dull, tedious and sometimes downright painful.
Brigitte offers easy, fun and fast ways to connect, communicate and relate. She pulls from decades of experience from her coaching, healing, teaching and training background to ensure the audience learns, participates and returns home with tools to apply immediately.

More information: brigittesumner.com