Family Dynamics

Do you feel exhausted and in need of a holiday after a family get together? Are the first couple of days great and then it’s all down hill from there? Do you wonder why you even agreed to take part in the event in the first place?

Spending time with family can be challenging mentally, physically and absolutely draining on everyone involved. Especially here on the beautiful Sunshine Coast; because we live in Paradise, everyone wants to visit. So it’s not just one lot of visitors we encounter, but several each year. Is it us they really want to see or is it the attraction of the Coast and they only want to crash on our lounge room floor to save on accommodation costs and therefore be able come more often? Didn’t we all move here to get away from family? Ha ha. Oh how that cynical side in me knows how to raise its ugly head! No, of course we didn’t, some of us moved up here to be closer to our loved ones.

So why do we feel this way? A lot of the reason is because they all know how to push our buttons so easily. Doesn’t it seem that family can get under our skin quicker than anyone else on the planet? They know exactly what to bring to the table to annoy us. And it's all the little things; it doesn’t have to be a monumental event that ticks us off. They know precisely how to push our buttons and this is because they created most of them. Is this because they know us so well or is it because they don’t know us at all? Both.

Your family knows you as the person you were last time they visited. What they don’t see, is how much you have changed and grown in yourself since then. When we visit our home towns, it appears that the same old people are there doing the same old thing. Nothing has changed except the fact that you don’t belong any more. This is another indicator of how much transformation has taken place within since you moved.

The way you think has altered and your opinions have changed. This is not how your family remembers or expects you to be. After all they have spent most of your life with you, so they feel they should know you best and when you are different, they don’t like it. So, in their wisdom they look for something or someone to blame. “I knew that husband of hers was no good, look how much she has changed since he’s been around” or “maybe it’s those new vitamin supplements she is taking” or “maybe she is reaching menopause.” They all have to have their say about your life. Oh yes, it can be a love-hate relationship at times.

We are all a part of a familial tribe, like a family community and apparently no one is allowed to step outside the boundaries of the tribe. The leaders of the tribe like things to be done a certain way, the way they have always been done. If anything new and indifferent is introduced, it is deemed unacceptable. If members start to present themselves otherwise, how would the tribe look? And this is what it is all about. It has absolutely nothing to do with you; it is all about how it will make them look to the outside world. What you do, reflects on them. They might have to justify and explain to society why you are the way you are. You might make them feel bad. This is how family dynamics are created.

For those of us who find it enticing to evolve, bettering ourselves through self-development is a natural process. However, some of the tribal members find accepting change very threatening and the challenge hard to face. What they don’t realise is that the challenge is where the growth occurs.

So for a satisfying, contented and relaxed family experience, stay the positive, enthusiastic person that you are and allow their opinions wash over you instead of annoying you. Use your voice when you need to speak up for yourself, but do it gently and with kindness. Refuse to take any negativity on board. If something is said that pushes your buttons, you have three choices; you can stay involved in the situation, you can say something to change how you feel or you can simply walk away. Choose what is best for you in each situation. If it is best to not be involved, then choose to opt out. If there is disapproval from the tribe, know the concern here is for you to get your needs met and this is your priority.

Ensure you still have time by yourself to breathe and gather your thoughts. Quite often we end up arguing and taking it all out on our partners while these family dynamics are going on, so protect your relationship by having one on one time with your partner. This keeps your bond strong through communication and is a great way to de-brief about how you are feeling.

Always be yourself, not who others think you should be. Make a point to be true to yourself, stand up for what you believe and most of all be happy. Remember that they are threatened by the change in you because they love you and want to be close to you. If you are too different from them, they fear you may create distance from them. Families are for support, encouragement and to always be here for us, so let’s allow them to do their job when we need. Instead of dreading your next family holiday, you can now make the most it enjoy.

Please email me at empower@deanneu.com for inquiries on any topics. I am happy to write articles that are of interest to you as the reader.