Midlife Dating: Where to Find the Men

The recent proliferation of dating websites makes it clear that you’re looking for him, and he’s looking for you, so how do we get the two of you together?

AT WORK

Most people meet their future mates in the workplace, despite the distinct possibility of Double Jeopardy: you could lose both the guy and your job. Inherently risky, it’s never been my favorite, but it isn’t stopping lots of other people, sexual harassment laws notwithstanding.

There are ways to make it work such as testing the waters carefully as to intent, initially flirting only when part of a group, and later, keeping it strictly off-campus, and after-hours. See my ebook, “Midlife Dating Survival Manual for Women” for more tips.

THROUGH FRIENDS

Word is this produces the most promising dates, though it isn’t surefire. I recall a friend who introduced a friend of ours to a man of her acquaintance, and later found out the man’s wife had left him because he used to beat her. That having been said, don’t forget to ask people for introductions. People won’t assume you’re interested unless you say something.

AT SCHOOL

Demographically (overall), you’d think the #1 place would be college/university, but I guess we’re putting off marriage until later.

Returning to school as an adult provides opportunities and is a win-win. Whether you meet someone or not, you’ve improved yourself and enriched your life. When I first divorced and returned to graduate school, I found it a great place to meet folks, including professors who were closer to my age than many of the students. One of my fellow-students did end up marrying one of the professors.

Learn a new language, brush up on your computer skills or get a post-graduate degree. Most learning institutions cater to the schedules of older working adults, with night and weekend classes.

ON THE INTERNET

The second best way to meet eligible others is probably the Internet, especially for females because there are many more men seeking online.

The websites give good instructions, including that you should use caution in agreeing to meet in person, and the importance of a really good photo.

One resource you can take advantage of is Glamour Shots (no, I’m not an affiliate). Depending upon the location, they do great work, and can also submit your photo directly to the website. You’ll get more action if you include a photo, and it should be current.

Which brings up the point of deception. If someone’s deceptive, they’ll do it anywhere, including the Internet. You just have to keep your wits about you. (See my ebook). However, if you submit a misleading photo you’re only fooling yourself. Why put on there a photo of you 6 years ago, and then be rejected when you finally meet? If only on principle. I’d think there was something wrong with someone
who had to fake their self-image.

The Internet seems to have been created for introverts. For dating, it allows a slower pace, in writing, that introverts love. From personal experience, I recommend meeting the person fairly quickly (once safe), so the fantasy doesn’t get out-of-hand.

A quick look at the profiles will inform you that everyone consider themselves sensitive, caring, and loving. We all know what to say, especially seasoned seducers, but misconceptions are provided by those who aren’t being willfully deceptive as well, either through their lack of self-awareness, or our illusions untempered by reality.

We’re all alike – we all want the same thing; but we differ in what things mean to us, and the means by which we hope to acquire them. Everyone’s looking for love and most find some version of it. Didn’t Hitler and Mussolini both die with their mistresses at their sides?

One person’s “financially secure” is making enough to pay the bills, and another’s is a million dollar trust fund. “I’m a sensitive guy” can mean he’s full of self-pity and insensitive to others, or too hyper-sensitive to be able to relate well.

See them face-to-face. No one really looks like their photo, no matter how current, and while appearance isn’t the deal-breaker for most of us, that illusive thing called “chemistry”is, so get it over with and you won’t waste time. It’s also a good way to check out their health.

AT PLAY

Meeting someone while you’re doing what you love to do is a great idea, don’t you think?

Here’s an example. Recently I went to a Sunday opera matinee. It turned out to be an incredibly unique group of people. The variance was small, and the overall median age must have been 55 (MEDIAN). Surprisingly there was a large number of men there alone. Who knew?

It was a small crowd, and during the long intermission, I wandered outside. Immediately several men struck up conversation with me.

Now here’s the kicker: I found myself telling a friend, “What kind of man over 55 goes to an opera alone?” She reminded me that the last great love of my life fit that profile!

I personally know clients who met their future husbands taking SCUBA lessons, learning German at the community college, and volunteering at the homeless shelter.

DANCE LESSONS

Dance lessons deserve special mention. Many dance venues are now offering free, or nearly-free lessons. In my town, one C&W dance hall has lessons Sunday nights at 7:30 p.m., for $3, and most attendees are midlifers. There’s free dancing afterwards, and the atmosphere is very different than Friday Night at Billy Bob’s.

In addition, private studios attract midlifers as well, offering all levels, beginner to competition. You can meet up and dance your way right out of the studio!

FAITH GROUPS

Don’t miss this often-overlooked possibility. Many places of worship consider it an outreach and do a great job, and they aren’t always religiously oriented. One of the largest ones in my town meets at a church, but the speakers are secular, self-help types. They carry a full calendar of activities. Take a leadership position and you’ll get more exposure. Yes!

IN YOUR FANTASIES

This may not be what you want to hear, but the best place to meet him is in your mind. To get what you want, you have to know what you want, with clarity and also with feeling. This man you want to meet, how does it feel to be with him? Best time to envision is just before you fall asleep.

Be mentally prepared for the possibility. If it can happen in the universe, it can happen to you. I wish you could hear the stories I hear as a coach. It can happen at the most unlikely places.

I’m thinking of a wonderful man I met at a restaurant on a vacation in Chicago. It wasn’t in my paradigm, so I thought “What’s the use?” When I recall the impression he made in our brief meeting … what a lost opportunity.

Last word – I’m told there are a disproportionate number of single men at upscale jazz clubs. “But don’t bug them during the show,” my informant said. Good advice. A woman who interrupts a man at work or play, is requiring multi-tasking of him, which mean aren ‘t good at. It’s always best to let him approach you, because then it’s his idea and all that other stuff you know about guys and you’re smart, right? If not, get some coaching and get up-to-speed. You don’t want him to miss the woman of his dreams, do you?