The flareup was immediate. "I'm writing a book called 'How to Choose the Perfect Gift for the Woman You Love,' I told my friend Sam, and he replied immediately, "If any woman doesn’t like what I get her then…” and his voice trailed off in… what was it? Anger? No I think it was more eternal frustration. I could tell he’d been bloodied, and he was, in fact, married to his second wife.

Now I've been single many years, so I've spent many Christmases in the homes of others, married couples included, and I've seen a lot of the same old thing -- waring blenders and vacuum cleaners bringing tears, stonewalling, or profanity. No woman wants an appliance.

Uh uh, it's not that easy. My ex mother-in-law preferred potted plants over fresh flowers ("too wasteful") and asked for, received, and was thrilled with various things made of steel and wire that whizzed, banged and whirred.

Your goal, you see, is to understand not “women,” but YOUR womAn. Maybe that’s a relief, maybe it isn’t.

Now I'll share a secret with you. I was having a chat with a friend of mine the other day who said, "I just don’t understand men." She was in a relationship I couldn’t comprehend, and about to do something career-wise that made even less sense. In point of fact, I did not "understand women." At least I didn't understand the one sitting across from me.

So how do you get to "understand" that one special lady?

Rule #1: You PAY ATTENTION.

"Okay," you're probably saying. "That's easy enough."

No, it is not. This is what I mean when I say PAY ATTENTION. You listen to her like

  • You like you would if your lawyer were telling you you were being sued for $1,000,000.
  • You focus like you would if your teenage son were telling you his new Hummer was now at the bottom of Lake Michigan.
  • You watch her like you watch the quarterback sneak when you’ve bet $500 on the Cowboys, it’s the last quarter and they’re down 13-6,
  • You hang on her every word as you do when your CFO is telling you you’re not going to make the quarterly projection again.
  • You tune in like you would when the Chairman of the Board asked you to explain the last point.

    That's what I mean when I say "pay attention and listen to her."

    Now that concept’s clear, in the next chapter we’ll address just exactly what it is you’re watching and listening for, and it isn’t the way her long blond hair swings from side-to-side as she walks through the room, or the way her silk nightie drops beneath her knees.

    What we'll be aiming for is this. When she says, "That dog's going to have to go. It won't do what I say," you stop and think before you speak. You use your Emotional Intelligence because, after reading the next chapter you're going to be getting the cues that this is a very important conversation you're about to enter into that has little to do with the dog, other than the fact that you may be sleeping with him that night, not her.

    Carry on until next time!

    • Author's Bio: 

    Susan Dunn is The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc. She offers coaching for career, relationships, resilience, leadership, and Emotional Intelligence is always included. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE eZine. To order "How to Choose the Perfect Gift for the Woman You Love," go here: http://www.webstrategies.cc/gift.htm. To escalate the learning curve, take The EQ Foundation Course, http://www.webstrategies.cc/EQcourse.htm. It's on the 'net,interactive, 12 modules. To take the Strengths course, go here: http://www.susandunn.cc.