Definitions in Stepfamilies

Brave New Definitions

Let's talk about what the brave new definition of a stepparent must sound like to our kids and stepkids.

The one that must be most confusing to kids is the family whose co-parents have not had a traditional wedding with vows, honeymoon and name change for Mom. Mom and her kids have the same last name, but stepdad does not. Does this require explanation when introductions are made between family members and new friends? Is the new stepdad introduced as such even if his last name is different from the bio-moms' name? This is a subject that needs to be addressed by the co-parents before the kids have to wrestle with the answer. You co-parents should discuss how you feel about the need for marriage with kids in age appropriate language BEFORE your kids have to deal with introductions and explanations to new friends.

Back when having children out of wedlock was uncommon, this question would probably have just been handled by calling the "new man in the family" uncle somebody to strangers. These days the co-parents are not as worried about hiding the fact that a child is born out of wedlock, but children are still left with the uncomfortable position of having a different last name than who? Their mother? Their father? No matter which one is adopted, the explanation is usually embarassing.

Kids are embarassed by not "being normal" or by being different. Parents are even more often embarassed by these confused explanations. The fact is that if we are from certain ethnic groups we find all of this very difficult to discuss and would rather ignore that it exists. Even so, that is not fair to our kids and I beg you to face reality, confront the issue and discuss it as a FAMILY until you are all on the same truthful page!

Let me give you a real life example of how this embarrassment manifested itself in my second marriage. My husband and I were obsessed with genealogy for a period of time and went to great lengths to research each branch of our own families back as far as in the generations as we could go. When the data and family information is entered into a family tree computer program we had the option of entering a first and a second marriage. My husband was so embarrassed that he had a stepdaughter (my daughter) that he never entered my first marriage into the family tree! He tried to make it look on paper like my first marriage never happened! Of course I have corrected that entry so that my daughter's bio-dad is part of the tree, but I thought I would relate this story to show the range of denial that exists in stepfamilies.

In this brave new world the old rules and definitions have changed so much that we have to now, either discard the old rules and names, or adopt them. We can not have it both ways and expect our children to stay grounded and bond with the new stepparent and siblings when we are hiding from truths as though we broke a federal law! This brave new world exists and we brought our kids into it. Now we must redefine our labels, boundaries and parameters so they fit what is our new family.